to not want to bail DH out financially - again.

[Yolo89]

DH was out of work for 10 months a few years back and he has never recovered fully financially. He got into huge debt and did not really keep me in the picture at all. We got a loan out on my account to help but I ended up paying it off using my inheritance as I was a SAHM. It still didn't help. Then one day the tax man turned up with a demand for £30, 000. I had no idea. I was devastated.

This situation has been somewhat sorted but still remains in debt and I have seen him trying to gain credit from all sorts of sources. He tuns out of money each money and has to rely on my inheritance (I am a studying at the moment so not working) and now has just asked me to see if I can take out another loan of £10, 000 which he will pay off. I am not sure if I could get a loan anyway but I am loathe to bail him out again as I'm pretty sure I will end up paying. I am so angry at him as he keeps me in the dark even though I tell him to tell me what is going on and then expects me to bail him out in some way. I feel he needs to sort this on his own. He has problems with depression and alcohol, and is dragging me down in so many ways. It is all a mess. What would you do? I am fragile so please go easy.

Don’t you think you should be contributing towards the family expenses - I mean @SoyDora apart from looking after his DC and working part time, paying his debts off whilst she is Bank of Woman to him, I mean apart from that, what has the OP ever contributed?

Yes, but she considers her contribution as a massive favour while at the same time expecting him to pay for her share of the rent and bills.,

I mean @SoyDora apart from looking after his DC and working part time, paying his debts off whilst she is Bank of Woman to him, I mean apart from that, what has the OP ever contributed?

Yes, but she considers her contribution as a massive favour while at the same time expecting him to pay for her share of the rent and bills.,

I think get a piece of paper and start writing up your situation now, you and the kids, your studying. Outgoing and incoming. See how it all stacks up.

You need to take complete control.

If he won’t show you a credit check - sign him up for it if he hasn’t got it. Then you seriously need to separate yourself financially, which means move separately even if it’s temporary.

If he does show you it, get two bits of paper.

One for staying with him. Go to citizens advice or online budget calculator.

One paper for on your own. Look up benefits calculator online and pretend you are a single person. Jot up all you are entitled to, and write these down very clearly. Again, budget but this time as a single person.

Do this even if you are adamant you are to stay together.

Then have a good look at both bits of paper. Project 1, 2 and 5 years into the future with each financially.

Talk openly with some people you trust. Bear in mind the finances.

Think about the emotional toll too, he depends on you emotionally and financially. Then start thinking which future your CHILD needs.

You have enough money to leave so leave. Notify the council you have moved out and take you names off the bills and start divorce proceedings. Since you are married it is more complex due to the way the law views you.

If you don’t leave now the money will leech away. Better to use your inheritance to move out and set up on your own. Private education is nice to have, being protected from his bankruptcy is essential. If it’s uni you’re thinking about you can save up once you’re on an even keel.

how long is it since you had a full time job?
How old are your DC?
Why did you decide to go to Uni at a point in your life when you couldn't afford it? I assume you expected your DH to support you through this and in reality he wasn't earning enough? For him to have had a £30k tax bill he must have been earning a lot of money! Do you have access to his wages?

Do not bail him out. Consider eg investing your inheritance in a property and rent it out on a rolling monthly let (so you can leave if you have to in the future!) - the rent should pay the mortgage on it. He can't get to it or ask you to bail him out anymore, keep some back but don't tell him as a fund for you.

He needs to approach his bank, my hub had similar debt from travelling, and got a consolidation loan so all his debts in one place and a manageable payment plan. Cut up all credit cards except one you have control of afterwards. You also need to be seeing what's going on financially if you're staying in this relationship, there is no excuse for him keeping you 'in the dark' if this is a partnership when one of you is financially irresponsible.

Can you get a wee wknd job to help whilst studying? It will be a lot to juggle but it might relieve some of the financial stress and there is an end in sight when you finish your masters and move into more full time job?

So he’s in debt due to rent and bills. Hate to break it to you but this isn’t his debt, it’s both of your debt.
You need to work if he cannot afford for you not to work and then do an evening course if you want to train in something else.

It’s actually pretty selfish of you to throw him under the bus with debt which has been spent on bills. If he was gambling the money away then I would get it but he isn’t.

It’s also really weird that the inheritance is ‘your’ inheritance and you don’t see it as both your money. Both me and DP have had inheritance and this was used as improvements into our house as it was seen as joint money

He's in debt paying for the household while you sit on an inheritance and study. Sounds like a great partnership.

I've had decades of this sort of experience and I finally took his name off the deeds of the house, if I hadn't I wouldn't have a home.
Don't underestimate the toll this will take on you and your family and the example it sets to your children.I always remember one of my children saying they would be like Daddy and not work, describing it like an ambition.

You say you have to bail him out. No. No, you don’t. He has a history of this, not sure over how long, but he isn’t going to change. Why should he when you keep paying up? He has no incentive. And you don’t know how he racked up £30k of debt? I would damned well have found out and taken control of the finances long ago. You need to decide if this is the life you want, and if it isn’t, I think I’d be giving him the boot.

I think the question is, do you want to be with him anymore? If no, then you know what you need to do.

If yes, you can go to agencies and charities that will help organise the debts, and he obviously needs AA and counselling too. Relationships don't survive unless things are transparent and open. With your studying and having a little one, you can't support him, and his debt will significantly affect you. If he doesn't want to make those steps, then again, I think it would be time to end things.

Too late now, but when he was unemployed either of you should have got whatever job you physically could while the other looked after the children.

A tax debt is very different to credit cards etc in my opinion.

@Aunaturalmama

Being a good partner does mean supporting your OH in numerous ways but this man has made a huge mess of things and what gets me is his lack of honesty regarding their financial problems. It's one thing to expect your DW to jointly tackle financial challenges, but quite another when "the tax man turned up with a demand for
£30, 000. I had no idea."

I can't imagine my DH ever concealing such major problems from me - IMO, he's the one with the unhealthy approach to their marriage.

Can you use your inheritance to pay some bills for a while?.. Like the council tax and half the rent perhaps?

Don't do it OP.
My lovely friend fell into this trap.
First time she bailed im out she used her inheritance from her father. He spent the lot, most went on the back payments to save the house being repossesed.
Second time she used her inheritance from her Mother, same again with saving the house.
She was retired disabled and recieved a good income monthly. He was a solicitor who couldn't handle money at all.
So once all her money was gone, they finally lost the house as he never made payments and racked up bills.
She finally left him, even though he was the love of her life and was a lovely man we all liked him very much. But you can't live like this. She had a child to raise and couln't count on him to be stable.

I don't understand when you say he runs out of money each month. If you don't work, surely his income is the only source of household income.

In a marriage, if the chips are down, if I had any form of inheritance/individual savings of course, I would use it to cover the shortfall in rent and bills/debt. It's far from ideal, I agree but needs must and or that. Why would you resent it? It's both your responsibilities.

Wow, Aunaturalmama. Having MH issues doesn't give you the right to lie and spend freely, abuse alcohol, and refuse to disclose where the money is going to your spouse all while demanding they bail you out. Again.

I would leave now, OP. Honestly, he'll bleed you dry, your marriage will likely fail anyway, and then youll be left with no inheritance at the end of it.

If your rent is way more than you can afford then can you get a lodger or two in the mean time?

The only way I would bail anyone out is if they gave me a full and frank disclosure on WTF they had been spending all the money on, why they hadn't put away anything for a future tax bill, and they gave me full control over ALL their finances after calling step change or similar and committed to doing this even in the good times.

He can't ask for massive amount of help without actually tell you fully what the problem is

Are you sure that the 30k was a tax bill?

OP. You need to sit down with him and work out the current debt that he has and contact a company like Stepchange. They can help him to sort out his debts.

DO NOT bail him out ever again. You will never see any of that money again, including your inheritance. DO NOT ever take out loans in your name for somebody else, as the debt is yours not theirs and you are liable to repay it.

Why should you give him every single penny that you have, just because you are married? It won't help because once you bail him out he will just do it all over again. I have seen it before with ex family members, 3 different people who all repeatedly got into debt, had it paid off, then did it again.

They don't learn the lesson when somebody bails them out. He is impacting on your life because you can't move to reduce costs. You are not liable for his debts, unless they are in joint names.

If he doesn't sort this out, you will end up penniless.

Contact Stepchange asap. Tell your H that if he doesn't sort this out then the marriage is over. If he won't get help then he will never change, believe me.

Hmmmm - good point @TamarindCove

What an odd thread.

I'm not convinced a masters is the way to getting a good job and I say that as someone with a masters degree. You would be much better get an entry level job and working your way up.

Surely if you are married, then you are a team? you should be writing out all the debt and working out your financial situation together. Neither of you sound realistic about your current situation.

Can you make an appointment with a financial planner to help you both go through everything together?

He had a limited company - he got disqualified. I found out that on google.

I agree that you need full disclosure regarding the remaining debt. Maybe, you need to take control of the family finances and help to manage the debt repayment.

Have you just started your Masters? Why do you feel that you cannot find any work with an undergraduate degree?

He needs to sit down with someone and work out every penny he owes, set a budget and stick to it, possibly for years.

Inheritance isn’t automatically a marital asset, it’s more complex than that you would need expert advice on that.

Failing to pay £30k of tax is stupid. It shows a lack of the most basic level of financial responsibility and organisation.