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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to bail DH out financially - again.

339 replies

Yolo89 · 20/10/2019 19:02

DH was out of work for 10 months a few years back and he has never recovered fully financially. He got into huge debt and did not really keep me in the picture at all. We got a loan out on my account to help but I ended up paying it off using my inheritance as I was a SAHM. It still didn't help. Then one day the tax man turned up with a demand for £30, 000. I had no idea. I was devastated.

This situation has been somewhat sorted but still remains in debt and I have seen him trying to gain credit from all sorts of sources. He tuns out of money each money and has to rely on my inheritance (I am a studying at the moment so not working) and now has just asked me to see if I can take out another loan of £10, 000 which he will pay off. I am not sure if I could get a loan anyway but I am loathe to bail him out again as I'm pretty sure I will end up paying. I am so angry at him as he keeps me in the dark even though I tell him to tell me what is going on and then expects me to bail him out in some way. I feel he needs to sort this on his own. He has problems with depression and alcohol, and is dragging me down in so many ways. It is all a mess. What would you do? I am fragile so please go easy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 20/10/2019 19:35

Yes he has a drinking issue. He is seeing a counsellor about his depression. I don't think he is spending large amounts on alcohol. He earns a decent salary, it is the repaying of debt that means we are short each month. Hence his need for me to bail him out.

I have severed ties financially as don't want his bad credit rating to be mine . But we are on the council tax together -which he is in debt and gets demands for. Can I separate my name from the council tax in any way?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 20/10/2019 19:36

I am currently doing a masters as my old career I can no longer work. I am desparate to start working.

OP posts:
EmrysAtticus · 20/10/2019 19:37

So he is in debt because of rent and other bills? While you haven't worked?

In which case you are equally responsible for this and should use your inheritance.

AskMeHow · 20/10/2019 19:37

Can you put your inheritance in trust for your children? I realise this means you can't make use of it either, but at least your DH can't get his hands on it. And then leave.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 20/10/2019 19:38

Sorry I will rephrase this - he is earning a very good salary. But as he has to repay all this debt I never knew about, his out goings paying back debt per month are huge. Otherwise our situation would be a lot better.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 20/10/2019 19:38

This man will drag you down until you are both bankrupt, and then he'll blame you for that.

I would get out now, but if you divorce then bear in mind you might lose some of your inheritance.

Is that £30,000 tax bill accurate? Had he been keeping good records? Was it for more than one year?

Lindy2 · 20/10/2019 19:39

If he had a tax bill of £30,000 then he had pretty substantial earnings at some point. Where did that income go?

With neither of you earning for almost a whole year then I can see how that would lead to financial difficulties. I can never really understand though how someone has no work for that length of time. I'd rather stack shelves in a supermarket over night to at least cover basic bills, than see my family spiral into debt. I do appreciate though I live in an area with very high employment.

It does sound like a repeat pattern of debt and bailouts. Generally that cycle never gets better. I fear there may well be more debt and financial issues than he's telling you about. I would prioritise getting your own income and considering your options regarding your relationship.

HollowTalk · 20/10/2019 19:39

How much debt is he in? What was he spending money on?

LIZS · 20/10/2019 19:39

How convenient that discussing the issue affects his mh, definitely not the alcohol or overspending Hmm he won't change, and does not need to, all the time you bail him out. How did he "suddenly" owe hmrc £30k? Is he working full-time now, can he hold down a job?

Original poster
Yolo89 · 20/10/2019 19:40

enjoying science - I am interested to know why you view it as repsect for your family? Do you mean because he didn't disclose it? or just that he got into this situation and continues in it?

OP posts:
NaturalBornWoman · 20/10/2019 19:40

I wouldn't bail him out if he's financially feckless and an alcoholic, I'd leave him. However, how did you think you were living if he was unemployed and you were a SAHM? How did he get a £30k tax bill, was there a business or period of contracting? Were you aware he wasn't saving his tax? Why are you studying now instead of working if you know you have financial problems? It isn't possible to tell from what you've said whether you are also responsible for living above your means.

willowmelangell · 20/10/2019 19:41

So is he working now?
He needs to work to pay off debts, not borrow to pay off debts.
You are being very supportive. Tell him he needs two jobs, one to pay his living expenses and one to pay his debts.

Absolutely tell him you will not pay his debts or living expenses. He is an adult and must pay for his lifestyle.

Disfordarkchocolate · 20/10/2019 19:42

I know this will sound harsh but with one income not enough to cover your outgoing's why are you doing a masters?

justasking111 · 20/10/2019 19:42

He needs to declare bankruptcy

www.stepchange.org/debt-info/voluntary-bankruptcy.aspx

www.gov.uk/bankruptcy

SoyDora · 20/10/2019 19:43

As you aren’t working, i actually don’t think it’s hugely unreasonable for you to use some of your inheritance to cover rent/bills.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/10/2019 19:43

It’s not really just his debt though is it, if it was taken out to support you and your children?

In our family we share all money and have full and frank disclosure of money so I find it quite difficult to see the rights and wrongs of a situation like this.

DonnaDarko · 20/10/2019 19:44

The way I'm reading this, you're going to be stuck in a cycle of debt because he can't afford to pay off his debts and look after the household. He's borrowing Peter to pay Paul. You're not really helping the situation by not working, I think you really need to at least look for a part time job.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 20/10/2019 19:44

He says a loan of £5-10, 000 would create a buffer zone for him.

The HMRC was a tax debt accumulated over time - obviously I had no idea about.

LIZH - the mental health is related to a health condition. All if it affects him. The alcohol etc. It is all bad. I don't bail him out but he literally has no money for the next week - what am I supposed to do??

OP posts:
LIZS · 20/10/2019 19:44

You "don't think" he is spending "large amounts" on alcohol . You both need to get a handle on exactly what is being spent and on what. Cutback all non essentials (including the drink) If he is earning well there should be a way out , even if you seek help from Stepchange etc, but being vague about income and outgoings is really not addressing this.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/10/2019 19:44

I'm sorry, at this point I'd be telling him to sort his own shit out, especially as you've used all your inheritance to bail him out previously (it sounds like you could have used this money to buy a house or out down a decent deposit - is he gutted in your position) I'd tell him exactly how much you need from him each month to cover rent, bills food and joint expenses and then he can sort himself out.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 20/10/2019 19:46

donna I do have a part time job but it pays so little and I can only do it on the weekend as I have uni full time and he would get more stressed with the children all weekend and we have no family to help. For the crap money it almost isn't worth it.

OP posts:
Iggly · 20/10/2019 19:47

You see it depends for me.

If this debt is to run the house and you expect him to work to cover all financial costs and have always done so then no wonder a) he’s in massive debt and b) he’s depressed.

You need to take responsibility as well. If my DH was in debt and working to enable me toSAHM, I’d be ashamed.

PepePig · 20/10/2019 19:48

You either need to protect your inheritance and leave, or devise a proper plan together to clear this debt as soon as possible. Staying together and leaving it up to him clearly isn't working.

Unfortunately by a 'proper plan' it means doing your masters part time so you can work, your husband getting a second job and (more than likely) you taking control of the purse strings. You need to ring who he is in debt to and stepchange/similar to get more reasonable repayment plans sorted. It means buying supermarket own brand everything, no luxuries, no holidays, etc. Selling things. I wouldn't advise using your inheritance to clear the debt because he needs to learn that getting out of debt is hard work so it puts him off from getting into debt again.

If that doesn't appeal (and I can see why it wouldn't, tbh), leave. He needs to start acting like an adult and 30k of debt is a joke.

The main thing is if you stay, he learns from this, he is completely honest with you, and accepts that his pride will be dented. If he can't accept help/be honest/doesn't learn, you must leave before he ruins you and your children financially.

DonKeyshot · 20/10/2019 19:48

His excuse in the past is that he doesn't want to worry me

Gets you to take out loans to pay HIS debts, runs through YOUR money like water, and doesn't want to worry you??!!!

What is he on? Tell him you're worried out of your mind and no more money is going to be forthcoming until you know the full extent of what he owes and to whom and then insist on a credit check while he's sitting with you.

I suspect you're going to be shocked - and not in a nice way.

You're a fool if you give him another penny, OP.

HyacynthBucket · 20/10/2019 19:49

He sounds difficult and in trouble himself. Is there any way you could insist on joint counselling, to find out the true story about his problems? If he won't go, you have to consider your own future, and your children's.
So sorry about all you are going through. Hoping everything improves, but you might have to make difficult decisions.