to not want to bail DH out financially - again.

[Yolo89]

DH was out of work for 10 months a few years back and he has never recovered fully financially. He got into huge debt and did not really keep me in the picture at all. We got a loan out on my account to help but I ended up paying it off using my inheritance as I was a SAHM. It still didn't help. Then one day the tax man turned up with a demand for £30, 000. I had no idea. I was devastated.

This situation has been somewhat sorted but still remains in debt and I have seen him trying to gain credit from all sorts of sources. He tuns out of money each money and has to rely on my inheritance (I am a studying at the moment so not working) and now has just asked me to see if I can take out another loan of £10, 000 which he will pay off. I am not sure if I could get a loan anyway but I am loathe to bail him out again as I'm pretty sure I will end up paying. I am so angry at him as he keeps me in the dark even though I tell him to tell me what is going on and then expects me to bail him out in some way. I feel he needs to sort this on his own. He has problems with depression and alcohol, and is dragging me down in so many ways. It is all a mess. What would you do? I am fragile so please go easy.

I've read most of the thread and don't think I've seen anyone mention or ask but he is drinking during the day? If he's getting so smashed as you've described whose looking after children when you are at work?

My mil is an alcoholic and a lot of the behaviour you've described is very much like her a few years ago. She was unfit then to have the children but my sil said she couldn't afford to not have her look after the children and that mil would never hurt the children. Sil had to reduce hours in the end after more than one incident out the kids at risk.

The historical debt ot sounds bit like you've stuck you head in the sand but that doesn't mean you owe it to him continuously repeat the cycle.

Even if you paid all his debt off. His drinking alone and the children witnessing all this and him drinking around them is why I'd be using that inheritance to get my children the fuck out their. I know you want to save it for their education but having seen what alcoholism does for small children, this will get worse and you're children could be emotionally damaged for this and carry it into adulthood.

If you stay it's going to be gone anyway as you try to stop him exploding (another thing it's not healthy for the children to witness and it sounds like it's happening a lot too)

I would not leave the children with him if he's at a point he's hiding alcohol around the house and hes already shown you he will lie so I wouldn't trust him if he says he wouldn't it hasn't been drinking when looking after them.

(I'd phone the council yourself ASAP as your liable for the council tax and you can't say he was meant to it. If you know it's unpaid I'd be paying it now yourself as that'll be a debt in you name.

You are still focussing on the depression not the alcoholism. Do you find it hard to describe him as an alcoholic to other people?

i Think you need to ask yourself a bottom line question.
Are you going to stay and help him through it, or are you going to cut your losses and leave?

If you’re going to leave I wouldn’t waste any energy trying to figure out his issues. Just make a plan to leave and follow through.

If you are going to help him through it, you need to figure out what exactly he is spending his money on. 30k is a really large amount to be just alcohol. Does he use cash each time? Card?
What does he do first in the morning? Throw up, drink water, drink alcohol, leave the house? If he is drinking that amount of alcohol then he will either throw up, or take a drink of alcohol. See how he long he can go without alcohol..take a trip. If he doesn’t get a drink in 24 hours with that amount of alcohol consumed he will be drenched in sweat and smell awful.
It’s either drugs, prostitution or an affair if it’s not alcohol. To see if it’s drugs, you need to say you’re going away for the weekend. Get back a day early and drug test him.

So sorry you’re going through this.

There's definitely something seriously wrong that he's hiding from you, and he's trying to deflect blame onto you.

Even though it seems impossible, you need to start working out a strategy to leave. Post on here under a different name with more detail about your situation, or try posting on moneysavingexpert.com - they're great at figuring out financial solutions.

Lannie - do you think it is all the deflection whivh makes you think there is something way bigger going on?

Towel yes it is hard to say alcoholic particularly as he does not think he is.

If neither you nor he can admit that he is an alcoholic then you are doomed. Have you been to Al-Anon? I'm told they are brilliant support for families of alcoholics.

Remember, every time you give him money that is you giving him drink. He might spend your actual five pound note on lunch but only because he spent his own five pound note on drink. You enable the drinking by paying for it.

You gave more problems than just alcohol. It would be next to impossible to get into that much debt from drinking alone. And what he is telling you is not even half of it. If he was being honest with you he would tell you that when you asked, not get aggressive and blame you.

Until he starts recovery (alcohol, gambling, drugs, whatever his addictions are) then you simply won't get the truth from him.

Please go to Al-Anon and Gam-Anon. You won't have to do anything, you won't even have to say anything if you don't want to. They won't push you to make decisions. But they will listen. And they will talk. And things will become clearer. And you will start your own recovery. You have been broken by him and you need help to recover. It's not something you can do without support.

Towel it is not that - it has just taken me ages to really discover what is going on. He gas always being a social drinker it has never been a problem. So when I started finding hidden beer cans he made a joke of ur oe light of it and guess made me doubt myself. I didnt know anything abour alcoholics and behaviour. So I know he is. To say it is painful you know?

I found a gambing card in his wallet but cant access it. I am.trying to get a credit report. I have trusted him and his talk tyat he will save etc but I now know this isnot happening. How did he turn into this from.the man of my dreams? It is truly horrifying.

Addiction is an utter bastard.

It's a shame we can't cure loved ones of it but that's how it is.

LTB & get a divorce, move back home to your dad, even if it means moving abroad for a while. It's hard, it royally sucks but at least you'll have the support you need. As for your masters, is there any way to do it with distance learning?

I think you need to consider if there’s any future in the relationship and split if there isn’t.

You say though that you can’t live on the money he brings in. If so, then you are both living beyond your means. It’s not fair that “your” inheritance is yours and his wages are not his. I understand that you’re trying to get a job and he is being very difficult about finances.

Ultimately it doesn’t sound like a very happy or healthy relationship and you may be better off on your own. But the finances are not only his responsibility- he has got into debt supporting the family (at least partially) and you should both be taking responsibility for that.

Also, until you declare a date of separation and stick to it, he will be entitled by law, to half of your inheritance.

Please get rid of him.

Yes, it's the fact he's so completely opposed to you knowing the state of your (!) finances which makes me think he's hiding something.