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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cuddle my kids in bed?

231 replies

tearsofaunicorn · 18/10/2019 22:08

Recently moved in with DP: we both have 2 kids, mine are with us 90% of the time and aged 6 and 8. His are teens and stay EOW.

I've been a lone parent for the last 6 years and my DC often creep into bed in the night for comfort/early in the morning for a cuddle. They never do this for longer than 5/10 mins before returning to their own beds, it's a reassurance thing and has always been this way. It's not every might, maybe 2 or 3 times a week.

DP says this is inappropriate and wants to keep our door closed, asking the kids to knock if they want attention. I think he's being quite frankly ridiculous and giving young children comfort in this way is a part of family life.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
BloggersBlog · 18/10/2019 22:10

You are correct, he is being ridiculous. Those cuddles don't last forever, enjoy them while you can

thedevilwithbarty · 18/10/2019 22:10

He's being ridiculous. If he can't accept your natural, physical relationship with your young children then he can't live with you. IMO.

bookwormsforever · 18/10/2019 22:11

Stick to what your dc want. My 11yo still comes in in the night to cuddle. No way would I turn him away because my new h said to do so...

I keep our door open so I can hear the dc, and mine are 11 and 15...

Your dc, up to you.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 18/10/2019 22:11

He’s being ridiculous.

hotchocolateee · 18/10/2019 22:11

Please don't allow this. I had exactly the same situation as your children. I felt very isolated and alone. Didn't feel I was able to disturb or talk to my mum. Was a horrible feeling

zeddybrek · 18/10/2019 22:12

I love cuddles with the kids and will really miss them when they grow up. It won't last forever.

Your DP is BU.

TheScruffyDog · 18/10/2019 22:13

He is being unreasonable.

PookieDo · 18/10/2019 22:13

How did you move in with him not knowing he didn’t like this

rainingallday · 18/10/2019 22:14

Of course he is being ridiculous. And bossy and controlling.

I don't say this lightly, but I would see this as a red flag. Only just moved in together, and he already barking orders.

Fuck that. You need to lay the door down NOW. Don't let him be the boss, and tell you what to do with your OWN children. Let him know you won't be pushed around. Otherwise, it's a slippery slope.

Ponoka7 · 18/10/2019 22:14

Does he sleep naked?

If so, he has the right to want his privacy.

I'd say the cut off point if a non bio parent doesn't feel comfortable, is around eight. But you can't exclude just the eldest.

I think he's going to have to get over it until next year.

Original poster
tearsofaunicorn · 18/10/2019 22:14

Thank god. I was prepared to be told I am ridiculous but my gut says I am not at all. It feels wrong to have him say the bedroom is 'our' private space and shouldn't be disturbed- we have young kids in the house, their emotional well being is priority

OP posts:
Patienceisvirtuous · 18/10/2019 22:14

Tell him to get stuffed. It’s totally natural that you should give your kids a cuddle when they want/need one.

dreichsky · 18/10/2019 22:15

It is perfectly normal and developmentally healthy.
What is it that he doesn't like about it? Does he feel uncomfortable, or wants to sleep naked or is annoyed at being woken up?

Original poster
tearsofaunicorn · 18/10/2019 22:15

@Ponoka7 he doesn't sleep naked - T-shirt and shorts/trousers

OP posts:
puppyconfetti · 18/10/2019 22:16

He is BU thinking he can tell you how to parent. If your kids need a hug you give them a hug. I would be concerned this is the start of him dictating much more.

Wellmet · 18/10/2019 22:16

How on earth did you get to the stage of moving in with him without this coming up? Did he never stay overnight? How long have you been together?

You absolutely must prioritise the children. He doesn't get to change their routines.

BettysLeftTentacle · 18/10/2019 22:17

He is jealous of the relationship between you and your (much younger than his) kids and is trying to put a physical barrier between you. If I were you, he wouldn’t be living in my house much longer.

FriedasCarLoad · 18/10/2019 22:17

Could they still be allowed to come in and cuddle, but just knock and wait a moment, as a compromise?

Then your kids can still enjoy the cuddles but your partner can have some privacy in his bed.

Original poster
tearsofaunicorn · 18/10/2019 22:17

@Wellmet he only ever spent the night around my children at my house, we were always without kids when I stayed at his, and says he didn't feel he could dictate what happened there

OP posts:
Bibijayne · 18/10/2019 22:18

He's being weird, this is totally normal. They're still young!

dreichsky · 18/10/2019 22:18

Okay he is just being an idiot.
You are his partner but you are also the mother of young children so you have to be able to be both.
Parenting will sometimes happen in your bedroom and if he cannot accept that then he probably isn't ready to live with your family.

thedevilwithbarty · 18/10/2019 22:19

Even if he did sleep naked, the onus would be on him to put some pyjamas on or sleep elsewhere!

Confused at anyone even considering kowtowing to highhanded lord-of-the-manor nonsense like this.

SprinkleDash · 18/10/2019 22:19

I agree with him I’d hate it! They’re not babies. Also had did you move in together without having this discussion first? Hmm

Wellmet · 18/10/2019 22:19

Oh dear. I think you need to move out. Honestly, big red flag I think.

BettysLeftTentacle · 18/10/2019 22:20

Just seen it’s his house.

he didn't feel he could dictate what happened there

But his house is now yours too? That means he still doesn’t get to dictate. It’s not going to work out.

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