To cuddle my kids in bed?

[tearsofaunicorn]

Recently moved in with DP: we both have 2 kids, mine are with us 90% of the time and aged 6 and 8. His are teens and stay EOW.

I've been a lone parent for the last 6 years and my DC often creep into bed in the night for comfort/early in the morning for a cuddle. They never do this for longer than 5/10 mins before returning to their own beds, it's a reassurance thing and has always been this way. It's not every might, maybe 2 or 3 times a week.

DP says this is inappropriate and wants to keep our door closed, asking the kids to knock if they want attention. I think he's being quite frankly ridiculous and giving young children comfort in this way is a part of family life.

Who is BU?

But, as a step parent, I'd say I don't want my step child in my personal space, I especially don't want him coming into my bed at night, it would feel like an invasion of my personal space and make me feel uncomfortable in my own home

Poor step kids.

That would piss me off if he told me MY kids need to knock to give their mum a cuddle. Ridiculous. There would be zero negotiations on this.

@NoraThePessimist there's no nudity: he says the bedroom is his private space and he wants to be in here without being ambushed by the kids.
I say, you sign up for a life with young kids, you have limited privacy for a while. Their need for security and comfort comes first.

I'm the step parent in this situation and my dp insists my steps can come in whenever and I absolutely hate it.

I feel so exposed and I don't want them to see my naked and I also just want one space in the house that I can go to when it all gets a bit much. I was made to feel like I had no right to privacy or to even request knocking and so his kids will walk in when I'm getting changed on a regular basis. I find it really upsetting and stressful but I'm made to feel like I'm the unreasonable one for having a few seconds to compose myself.

You need to remember that he is not their parent, he hasn't been around that long, he WILL feel like his personal space is being invaded even if he doesn't mention it to you.

Being BU

Even reading this makes me feel uncomfortable. Imagine how your kids would feel. I would hate my dc to feel that my decision to move in with my new partner had negative consequences for them. 6 and 8 means they're v small. My 8 yo loves sleeping in my bed with me!

That was supposed to say He's being U !!

OP-YANBU but your DP's attitude sounds worrying. Given that your DC have just had two massive life changes (moving AND having a new adult in the home) this would be a terrible time to exclude them from what has been (rightly) a normal and healthy source of comfort.

His lack of understanding, care and concern for your DC is a massive red-flag. Trust you instinct-what he is asking for is NOT normal, much less reasonable. If he can't see that then you should dump him. His attitude towards your kids has to be a deal-breaker.

He's a keeper

I'd worry that he thinks he can start to lay down rules because you've moved 100 miles and upended your life and he thinks that gives him the upper hand. He thinks you'll be reluctant to challenge him.

@floodypuddle My partner's DSS doesn't bother knocking either, and sometimes I'll be getting changed and he'll just carry on asking whatever he was going to ask haha. I guess it's nice because he obviously feels comfortable with me, but at the same time I am such a private person that I just don't like it at all!

Sorry, that should by my partner's son, so my DSS.

If the kids have always done this, then shutting them out now would send out the wrong message. Ie, they are unwanted/being rejected. They still need your love and reassurance and night time cuddle. That’s part of being a parent to young children.

Ooh, interesting one. My 9 year old still creeps in for a morning cuddle and it's the highlight of my day most of the time!

My DW (who is his step mum) found it tricky at first but she soon adapted when I made it clear we wouldn't be changing our routine.

STICK TO YOUR GUNS!

Why does he feel it's inappropriate?

@ floodypuddle but how often are they there? Why do I have the feeling it’ll only be a EW/EOW thing. This is what being a step parent is about! A good one anyway... you can’t expect them to walk round like house guests. You chose to become a step parent, they didn’t choose to become step kids.

My children 6 4 and 3 come and get in ned with me and my partner every morning and have a snuggle as we call it sometimes the cuddle him more than me while I feed the baby. There children he's making it into something weird wen it's not. Makes me think he has weird issues xx

Can you compromise?

DC knock at all times in day. Keep reminding gently, and make it a ‘house rule’ so you and DP also need to be super consistent about knocking on the DC’s doors every time, even if they’re open. It will seem silly but modelling what you want will be the best way for it to seem fair. Helpful habit anyway if there are teens in the mix sometimes.

For night-time/early morning, can you agree they can come in if they need you, but you get up and cuddle them in their rooms/beds? Yes, you’ll be disturbed more but that’s the least worst everyone gets emotional needs met option, in my opinion.

I don't expect them to walk around as house guests but I had to knock on my parents door as a kid. Guarantee if they mention to someone that they've seen me naked I'll be painted as the inappropriate one for letting them in to start with.

Tbh I try and keep it to myself, I don't think the kids know I have a problem with it but it doesn't mean its remotely comfortable for me. I don't even really like my dp seeing me naked but are least i get the choice about that.

They are still young, and as you said, they've been through a lot. He's being unreasonable.

My eldest 11 will creep into bed with me in the night - this is usually a sign something is up and he needs some ressurance /talk through things - absolutely normal

Doesn't he have the right to feel uncomfortable with this? It's the middle of the night or early hours of morning, might be just a bit strange as it isn't his bio kids? Would you be happy if he felt so comfortable he went in and snuggled in with them? I don't see an issue with them knocking first though, you could be doing anything!!

I'm glad the house rental is in your name. I would not be in any rush to include him.

DS (11) spent at least part of the night with us every night until age 5. He now sleeps solidly in his own bed, but comes in for a quick cuddle with me most mornings before we get up. YANBU.

You can work towards what he wants, but he needs to accept that it won't be immediate. I agree with @NoSquirrels. Make knocking a house rule for everyone for the new house.