Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cuddle my kids in bed?

231 replies

tearsofaunicorn · 18/10/2019 22:08

Recently moved in with DP: we both have 2 kids, mine are with us 90% of the time and aged 6 and 8. His are teens and stay EOW.

I've been a lone parent for the last 6 years and my DC often creep into bed in the night for comfort/early in the morning for a cuddle. They never do this for longer than 5/10 mins before returning to their own beds, it's a reassurance thing and has always been this way. It's not every might, maybe 2 or 3 times a week.

DP says this is inappropriate and wants to keep our door closed, asking the kids to knock if they want attention. I think he's being quite frankly ridiculous and giving young children comfort in this way is a part of family life.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Longlongsummer · 19/10/2019 00:07

Of course it’s not a red flag! Can’t believe people are telling you that.

He’s raising an issue. There is an issue and it’s valid. You are no longer alone in bed. You have a new man in there. To be honest I think it’s good he wants you to tell them there is a line, kids shouldn’t feel totally okay at age 6 & 8 at cuddling in bed with a non parent in there with them. You shouldn’t either.

The cuddling is in itself totally okay. Yet the dynamics have changed. There is a man in bed with you! And Bed between adults is an intimate time, when you are often not clothed and having sex I imagine. Or kissing and cuddling each other.

I’d swap it and ask the kids to knock and you go into bed with them for a bit instead for a cuddle.

BadSun · 19/10/2019 00:22

I think a bedroom is a personal place. For many people, as myself and other sp have said - its intrusive having children that are not your own in your bedroom. Especially when you're in bed in your pj's

I totally get this perspective. But then if you feel that way, wouldn't you perhaps discuss it before moving in with someone who has 2 young kids and you KNOW in advance that they often get in bed with her in the night?

taytosandwich · 19/10/2019 00:29

'I think a bedroom is a personal place. For many people, as myself and other sp have said - its intrusive having children that are not your own in your bedroom. '

Maybe he should have thought about that before he moved in with them!

ActualHornist · 19/10/2019 00:42

Maybe @taytosandwich but as the OP is the one who’s moved her partner in with her full time children then she should also have considered this?

floodypuddle · 19/10/2019 00:42

Why is it the step that always has to think about these things? Surely the parent has to consider they are the ones choosing to have a relationship and bring a new person into the home.

Why do step parents have to make unending compromises but a parent can't do one small thing to make them feel more comfortable by just requesting that their kids just knock on the door first?? Is it really that big an ask?

If you want things to stay exactly the same them surely you're better off single.

Aveisenim · 19/10/2019 00:43

He is being completely unreasonable! My older child snuck in for a snuggle the other night! I rarely get them anymore, enjoy them while they last!

Preggosaurus9 · 19/10/2019 00:44

Massive red flag.

He can bog right off and no the kids don't need to knock when they just want a cuddle.

I'd be kicking him the fuck out.

BackforGood · 19/10/2019 00:48

Or maybe the OP should have thought of it.
It really isn't 'controlling' for a man to be uncomfortable having someone else's kids in his bed. It is absolutely right that he should say so, if he feels uncomfortable. It is then down to the two adults to work together to find out what can work for both of them. Holding a different opinion about a situation doesn't mean you are 'controlling'. Some posters on MN make massive leaps sometimes.

PixieDustt · 19/10/2019 00:49

Your DP is a fool.
My DS is not at the age yet where he can walk let alone come in for cuddles but arms and bed will always be ready for snuggles.
I think it's nice they come into you for cuddles 🥰

dreichsky · 19/10/2019 00:51

Why is it the step that always has to think about these things?

Because if the choice is between adults altering their behavior or dc doing so, it is usually more reasonable for adults to do so. Not least because dc get no choice in any of this.

puppyconfetti · 19/10/2019 01:01

It really isn't 'controlling' for a man to be uncomfortable having someone else's kids in his bed

I used the term controlling. I wasn't talking about the act of the man saying he was uncomfortable. I was talking about the act of the man telling OP she had to stop cuddling her own children in her own bed.

If he is uncomfortable that is his problem to deal with. Shutting the kids out of the room isn't how to deal with it.

Some posters on MN make massive leaps sometimes.

And some spectacularly miss the actual point.

prawnsword · 19/10/2019 01:03

it’s different when they are your own.

I recall knowing to knock on my folk’s bedroom door as a kid. That was their private space & it wasn’t a drama. I think he is entitled to feel uncomfortable about having non bio kids in bed. They have their own rooms in the new house right? If they are scared & need a cuddle is it not possible for you to go & cuddle them in their beds & resettle them ? A gro clock or something is a thing right ?

I just think your want to cuddle your children doesn’t trump your partners want for the bedroom to be “their” space.

But I don’t think kids should run the show & think time precious times alone Together when you are busy parents should be treasured. Your kids are well old enough to stay in their own bedrooms

prawnsword · 19/10/2019 01:05

Omg it’s his bed too & they have beds she can cuddle in! Why does this person have no say as to who is allowed in their bed ? Do sleeping is only healthy if both parties are on board. This will likely grow resentment if you aren’t able to compromise on this issue

puppyconfetti · 19/10/2019 01:06

Why does this person have no say as to who is allowed in their bed ?

Well that works both ways. The children are a priority here, not the adults.

puppyconfetti · 19/10/2019 01:09

My kids don't run the show. It isn't a show. It's their lives and they have the right to continue to have the security they always had from their mum. Suddenly pushing them away because a new man is there would be awful for them. The kids. The little people OP is there to protect and live and offer security. And people think because a man decides they should not be in the bedroom it's fine for OP to do a full turn on them Confused

prawnsword · 19/10/2019 01:11

@floodypuddle agreed 100% you’re the voice of reason here

Asking to knock first before someone comes into your bedroom is not a big ask! relationships are about compromise & there are many other places to cuddle. It’s his bedroom too & it’s just a bit sketchy for kids to be with that comfortable hopping into bed with a non biological adult...i just feel you love the cuddles but it might not be in the best interests of your kids for them to think it’s ok to burst into a room where two adults could be having sex

I knew to knock because that was mummy & daddy time. They are still together & appear devoted to one another after 36 years of marriage so they did something right

highlandcoo · 19/10/2019 01:13

He didn't decide they shouldn't be in the bedroom.

He asked if they could knock before they came in.

Totally reasonable IMO.

floodypuddle · 19/10/2019 01:14

@ puppy it's not a full turn though is it, it's knocking first?

puppyconfetti · 19/10/2019 01:14

It amounts to the same thing. He is dictating the OP implements a restriction where there wasn't one previously. I just couldn't do that to my kids, for any man.

prawnsword · 19/10/2019 01:15

Omg nobody is saying the children should not have security. Knocking on a door is teaching respect & politeness is it not ?? Are they not supposed to respect the step dad? Is the adult’s bedroom also the kids playroom ? It’s a need for personal space & privacy in your own bed, your most vulnerable place arguably...when kids could get cuddles in their bed. It is ultimately different when they are your own. The OP has chosen to blend her family. There needs to be compromises.... though I do agree this should have been discussed before they moved. Maybe he assumed they were of an age where they would be ok staying in their own beds....

puppyconfetti · 19/10/2019 01:17

Are they not supposed to respect the step dad?

But this 'respect' isn't what the mother of the children does or wants. But yes, big old stepdad should lay down the law for all to respect him Hmm

floodypuddle · 19/10/2019 01:17

@puppyconfetti then don't have a relationship then? If you can't compromise on anything what's the point?

puppyconfetti · 19/10/2019 01:20

You know what, OP, I am with you. That's me final answer!

Continue to parent your children exactly as you did before, as you want. Don't be told to change your ways with them to pacify someone else. They are not young for long and they are worth more to you than any man ever could be.

puppyconfetti · 19/10/2019 01:21

then don't have a relationship then? If you can't compromise on anything what's the point?

Don't have a relationship with who? I am married to the father of my children and have been for 20 years

prawnsword · 19/10/2019 01:22

Cause asking for someone to knock before entering a private space is just laying down law....and people wonder why there is a stigma against dating single parents. I think it is ok to lovingly say no to kids sometimes, or negotiate your new special cuddle spot, or if they are unsettled help them become happy & feel safe & secure in their beds

Why did you move all this way to be with this guy if you don’t even treasure your quiet time to be a couple & cuddle him in bed too!

He is simply asking for some privacy & you don’t care if he feels uncomfortable because you love their cuddles in your bed. You just don’t want to compromise, this isn’t about your kid’s trauma or you wouldn’t have moved them so far away to be with a guy they didn’t spend enough time with to realise you had this major compatibility issue

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread