To cuddle my kids in bed?

[tearsofaunicorn]

Recently moved in with DP: we both have 2 kids, mine are with us 90% of the time and aged 6 and 8. His are teens and stay EOW.

I've been a lone parent for the last 6 years and my DC often creep into bed in the night for comfort/early in the morning for a cuddle. They never do this for longer than 5/10 mins before returning to their own beds, it's a reassurance thing and has always been this way. It's not every might, maybe 2 or 3 times a week.

DP says this is inappropriate and wants to keep our door closed, asking the kids to knock if they want attention. I think he's being quite frankly ridiculous and giving young children comfort in this way is a part of family life.

Who is BU?

YABU, and your question is intentionally misleading.

Nobody would think you are unreasonable to want to cuddle your kids in bed. Your partner doesn't even think you are unreasonable to cuddle your kids in bed, despite it now being a shared bed. He's simply asked that they start to knock before coming in now you've both decided to create this blended family situation.

You both should have talked about and agreed upon expectations before you moved in together. I would suggest you redress that asap before any of other myriad of issues that come with families living together rear their head, from the tiny to the huge.

He's unreasonable it's your children's home and if they have always done it they will feel very pushed out.

All I can tell you is my personal experience. . I used to be very close to my mother, including sleeping in with her until my teenage years. Now we are NC.

My step dad and to be fair her boyfriends prior to that were part of that. She allowed them to the dictate (or try to) what they felt was acceptable. My step father asked us to spend less time with her, always ring ahead before visiting, then only visit if invited. The alienation went on and on.

She is the one to blame though not the men in her life. Yes you can ask them to knock, or come in at set times etc but you will be changing their previous dynamic with you and they will know that you did that to facilitate what your partner wants rather than what they need.

I don't think either of you are unreasonable. He wants a bit of privacy but is happy to share as long as he isn't startled by having a child suddenly in bed. Your dc want cuddles, all hours. So knocking to me is fine.

But my parents were actively ttc my siblings when i was 6-12, so we had the knocking rule when a door was shut. We always were invited in when knocking but thankfully avoided walking in on the actual ttc Olympics. It worked both ways too which actually gave me more security at times. When I'd scream at them or get angry and run to the room and shut the door, they'd give me a few minutes to call off in private and then knock. As i became 10 and started body changing this was invaluable and as it was not a new thing, i didn't feel embarrassed like i had to ask for privacy and make a big deal.

Doors were mainly open during the day but always shut at night, especially as mum was a big worrier about fire and doors being shut for safety.

I also wonder if he has teens over EOW, perhaps they've also asked for knocking? If they don't have room locks and your children are used to just walking in, perhaps they too feel a lack of privacy and their own space in their home?

I’m a DSM - SC are now 11 & 14 (have lived with their dad for 5 years (so where 6 & 9 when we started living together).

You have to realise they aren’t his kids and he doesn’t have the same bond as you.

I have absolutely no problems with kid’s coming into bed, but.... I do ask for some warning & privacy.

So yes - we also ask the kids to knock.