To cuddle my kids in bed?

[tearsofaunicorn]

Recently moved in with DP: we both have 2 kids, mine are with us 90% of the time and aged 6 and 8. His are teens and stay EOW.

I've been a lone parent for the last 6 years and my DC often creep into bed in the night for comfort/early in the morning for a cuddle. They never do this for longer than 5/10 mins before returning to their own beds, it's a reassurance thing and has always been this way. It's not every might, maybe 2 or 3 times a week.

DP says this is inappropriate and wants to keep our door closed, asking the kids to knock if they want attention. I think he's being quite frankly ridiculous and giving young children comfort in this way is a part of family life.

Who is BU?

@puppy so you have no clue on the dynamics of a blended family whatsoever then?

so you have no clue on the dynamics of a blended family whatsoever then?

Of course I do. They didn't remove my brain at the registrars.

I know that when compromising in a relationship the mum should not be told by a new man how to tempest her children.

OP doesn't want to change what she does here. She may compromise in many other ways, but she actually doesn't want to change this aspect of her relationship with her children. That's ok.

Compromise doesn’t mean agreeing to what you want. She doesn’t want to compromise, he doesn’t want them in there but is compromising asking if they can knock first. Where is the Op planning to meet? In the middle & compromise, discuss, communicate or unilaterally decide that her partner has no say at all. His feeling are no more wrong than hers.

No puppy using your imagination is not the same thing. I'm sure you compromise with your husband about parenting on a day to day basis and you have come to your own way of working between you.

Blended families you have to do that after the fact. If you are just constant told 'no you have to go along with whatever I want because my children' is not going to be long before step parent turns around and says 'actually, do you know what, this isn't worth it'. Then you've just disrupted your kids lives again all for the sake of knocking on a door??

@floodypuddle

No puppy using your imagination is not the same thing.

Perhaps you should have used your own imagination. Being married doesn't exclude the possibility that our family is 'blended'.

Is it? Because I'd find your stance a bit sad for you if it is? Your husband really never compromised on anything that made you really uncomfortable at all?

I am with DP on the need for some privacy and the DC first blocking on the door

Is it? Because I'd find your stance a bit sad for you if it is?

My stance? What that this mum should continue to comfort her kids as per before new man arrived on the scene? Don't be sad for me, it's just a different opinion to yours, the same opinion as some othersZ. Nothing to be sad about.

Your husband really never compromised on anything that made you really uncomfortable at all?

Now you are making things up?

Having re-read your OP I think YABU. He’s asking for a compromise and you’re not willing. Even if that means he’s made uncomfortable in his bed. When all he’s asking is for a knock so he has a little warning. Which is normal for most parents, blended family or not.

So many mums getting completely overwrought at this being a red flag when it’s really just a man trying to establish some boundaries with children that aren’t his in his own home.

My bed is always open to my children if needed. Heck I am near 30 and would hop my parents bed if I was staying over and felt rubbish

I don't think he's being unreasonable.

If I've understood this correctly, he hasn't said he doesn't want the children in the bedroom/bed at all. He has just said he wants the brief notification of a knock. I take this from the use of the word "ambushed" rather than a word such as "intruding". I think a lot of natural parents would prefer that, let alone step parents.

I think that's fair enough given the number of threads I've seen on here about the children bursting in on posters when (I exaggerate for effect) doing the reverse cowboy whilst swinging from the chandelier with a penis beaker at the ready.

You can always explain to the children that the answer will always be either "Come in!" or "One minute!" That won't traumatise, surely?

All the red flaggers - are you theoretically ok with your kids being in bed with your ex’s new girlfriend for cuddles?
My DHs ex certainly was not ok with me co sleeping, and she has co slept with my 8 year old DSD all her life. DSD has zero self soothing skills and has to be cuddled to sleep. when she wakes up in the small hours as she does every single night, DSD will come in and get DH (who is on the side nearest the door) and he will go to her room with her. I probably feel weirder than DSD mum about the idea, if anything.

All the red flaggers - are you theoretically ok with your kids being in bed with your ex’s new girlfriend for cuddles?

I don't really do 'theoretically', particularly on a thread where it is being used to prove a point. It's not real, but let's have a go... yes I would be fucking delighted if my kids gained a step mum who they felt 100% comfortable around.

I do however reiterate that this is less about the feelings of the adults and more about the feelings of the children. My feelings in the 'theoretical' scenario would come second place to those of my children. So even if I didn't like them cuddling their step mum, I would be able to see that's better then them not cuddling their step mum. Neither of those would affect me reaslistically, so of course I would want my kids to be happy

My DHs ex certainly was not ok with me co sleeping, and she has co slept with my 8 year old DSD all her life. DSD has zero self soothing skills and has to be cuddled to sleep.

Yet his ex wont let him cuddle her if you are in the bed. That says to me she is putting her feelings first. It's a shame people can't get over themselves enough to realise how important their children really are.

If new DP wants a knock in case they are getting jiggy with it then just put a catch on the bedroom door and use it in that situation. The adults are then managing their behavior rather than expecting tired stressed dc to manage theirs.

@puppyconfetti

DSD still wouldn’t be getting in bed with me if the ex outright demanded it. Ex is selfish for refusing to work with us to help DSD develop IMO. Says she’s too young to have to wipe her own bum, sleep in her own bed etc.

If new DP wants a knock in case they are getting jiggy with it then just put a catch on the bedroom door and use it in that situation.

^
Sensible.

You and your partner need separate bedrooms.
If that compromise is not acceptable to him it is time to think of separate houses.

Your children are trying to adjust to a new life situation too, the absolute worst thing you could do would be to revoke their cuddles and he is a bit daft if he doesn't see how it could lead to them resenting him. The first rule I set with DH when we met, if you try to make me pick between you or my son, pack your bags!

I'd buy a bolt to deploy when you are shagging. If you are all squashed into a tiny double could you buy a bigger bed? Does your partner feel they have no personal space - in which case hash the details of that issue out, the knock before cuddles might be a red herring and it's a setting boundaries issue. I think sleepy cuddle seeking children are not going to remember a door knock - and if you are asleep - would you really know if they knocked or not ?

Seriously shocked at the inability people seem to have to see the other side of this. Imagine it this way:

I’ve just moved into a new house with my DP and her children, we are really happy together but I’ve found that several times now I’ve woken up as usual with some massive morning wood to find there’s a small child in bed with us. This makes me extremely uncomfortable but my DP doesn’t seem to understand this. I have asked if the children can knock before coming in but she has said I’m being completely unreasonable and lots of random people online have told her it’s a massive red flag! I just know I wouldn’t have been comfortable of my own children were crawling into bed with a grown man at that age.

OP could you agree on a compromise, maybe they could wake you up before crawling into bed with you so that you can move into the middle of the bed. Maybe in the morning they could wait until your DP has at least had a chance to properly wake up and go to the loo etc before crawling in.

@floodypuddle & @prawnsword

I totally agree with everything you’ve said and this is from my direct experience as full-time resident stepmum and growing up as a child in a family with a full-time resident stepdad from age 7.

I don’t see why being uncomfortable with someone else’s children seeing you undressed or laying in bed with you or walking into your bedroom unannounced is a red flag

Michael Jackson is the only person I can think of right now who would actively seek out the experience.

How about if he was the one getting into their bed? It’s a private space. They would have a right to feel uncomfortable and so does he.

Should he not be allowed to close the bathroom door when he has a poo, in case the kids decide to burst in ? Sleep, bathing & toileting are areas where people usually feel a need for privacy.

Also that Jackson joke nearly made me spit out my coffee.

Can one of the people who are saying that he is completely unreasonable confirm that they are happy with their children walking in when they having sex?
If not, then you'd expect there to be some boundaries.