To cuddle my kids in bed?

[tearsofaunicorn]

Recently moved in with DP: we both have 2 kids, mine are with us 90% of the time and aged 6 and 8. His are teens and stay EOW.

I've been a lone parent for the last 6 years and my DC often creep into bed in the night for comfort/early in the morning for a cuddle. They never do this for longer than 5/10 mins before returning to their own beds, it's a reassurance thing and has always been this way. It's not every might, maybe 2 or 3 times a week.

DP says this is inappropriate and wants to keep our door closed, asking the kids to knock if they want attention. I think he's being quite frankly ridiculous and giving young children comfort in this way is a part of family life.

Who is BU?

Sorry you have made a huge error. He clearly hasn’t been integrated into your life enough for your both to know what life is actually like

You also moved into his house? So now he feels like he can dictate to you exactly what goes on
For this reason I would be really worried

It’s not your joint home. It’s HIS house

Yadnbu

He is an idiot

Sorry I disagree. When DH began staying over knocking became the new normal in our house. It took a while to stick though.

Moving into a DP’s house has put you and your children in a really vulnerable position. Not only can he feel justified in dictating to you he can kick you out whenever he pleases. Mumsnet never fails to astound me with the utterly irresponsible decision-making especially where children are involved!

@Wallywobbles

Was your child only 6 years old?

@BettysLeftTentacle it's not his house. It's a new house that we have rented in his city (we moved 100 miles). Though for financial reasons I am currently the only one on the tenancy agreement (which is another bone of contention but will hopefully be resolved in the next 6 months)

@PookieDo it's not his house

I see both sides of this tbh. If you want to cuddle your kids before bed then you should be able too. That said this is something he may never have done why his kids and may feel very uncomfortable your kids getting into bed whilst he is there.

Talk to him about why he feels the way he does. Perhaps a compromise would be you being in bed before he is and using that time with the kids. Then he comes to bed and they go to theirs.

As I say I see both sides of this but it’s one of those things to iron out in blended families. I’m sure you’ll figure it out if you both talk it through!

@tearsofaunicorn

He seems to see it as his house though?

@SprinkleDash we haven't moved into his house

My 15 YO still comes in every Saturday and Sunday morning. We watch crap TV and talk and snooze. It's part of being a parent

Need more info op.

What is the source of his concerns exactly?

Is it him trying to parent your DCs? Tell him to jog on.
Or does he feel uncomfortable around older children in his PJs, worried about them seeing something inappropriate? I would too if I'd just moved in, it's a huge shift living together and he may be worried about e.g. sleeping in the nude in the warmer months or getting changed without clear privacy boundaries in place... I'd see it as a healthy sign if that's it.

Or it might be something else. What did he say precisely?

A mother should absolutely be able to cuddle her kids in bed. BUT, I DO understand how he might not want somebody else's kids in bed with him. It's intimate, and although it feels perfectly natural when it's your own kids, it might not when it's anyone else's.

I would look at how he treats you/the kids at times OUTSIDE of the bedroom. I know people are screaming "red flag, red flag, red flag" like well trained parrots, but is it really? I am a very very private person in bed, and don't like other people seeing me in my PJs, so if my partner's children started getting in bed with us I would honestly find it odd - despite getting on well with them in literally every other scenario.

So yes it's fine when it's your kids, but don't automatically see this as a red flag, because this single issue isn't the whole picture.

@PookieDo we live here together. It is a new house, I left my city to move in with him and that's part of the reason why I feel the children should be allowed their comfort. There have been enough changes with school/location and I want them to feel secure

But OP he should completely get that, if he was a nice reasonable man
But he doesn’t see it

@SunshineAngel I completely get that way of thinking, I do. He says he wants the bedroom to be his private space... there's no nudity when we sleep, it's all very PG.
But at the same time I feel that with moving in together, the children at new schools and in a new home - that's a lot of change. To pull the rug of security that is them being able to cuddle their mum whenever they want - I don't want to do it

Recently moved in with DP

I would be off Im afraid.

My 6yr old will quite often come get in our bed in the morning because he insists on setting his alarm for an hour earlier than he needs to get up it's lovely. He's still tiny really.
That said DD who is 20 and at uni will also come get in bed with me now and then if she is home, to watch something or chat and have a cuddle, especially if she is ill. Not usually in the middle of the night or when DH is in there too though it would be a bit squashed!

@Mandatorymongoose that's lovely. I hope my DCs still want to cuddle at that age!

I have teenagers. I absolutely would ask them to knock 100%.
The children are 6 and 8 and moved 100 miles from home! Jesus

As a mother I'd say it's normal and lovley.

But, as a step parent, I'd say I don't want my step child in my personal space, I especially don't want him coming into my bed at night, it would feel like an invasion of my personal space and make me feel uncomfortable in my own home.

Please don’t make allocated times when you’re children can come & hug you in bed alone like a PP has suggested.

Honestly without meaning to sound horrible, this is why I fear my marriage ending the most - my kids not feeling comfortable in their own home due to step parents. I had it with my mums boyfriend - arse hole.

Your bf is being SO unreasonable. Do not let him dictate this shit! Don’t let him change habits of a life time (like hugging your kids!? )

It would be a huge red flag for me, honestly.

OP I am single mum and my DC are 17 and 15. 17yo still likes to come into my bed sometimes for chats and sometimes falls asleep. At her age I would shift her out if I had a partner. But not age 6 no

@Lessthanzero what would be a solution?