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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cuddle my kids in bed?

231 replies

tearsofaunicorn · 18/10/2019 22:08

Recently moved in with DP: we both have 2 kids, mine are with us 90% of the time and aged 6 and 8. His are teens and stay EOW.

I've been a lone parent for the last 6 years and my DC often creep into bed in the night for comfort/early in the morning for a cuddle. They never do this for longer than 5/10 mins before returning to their own beds, it's a reassurance thing and has always been this way. It's not every might, maybe 2 or 3 times a week.

DP says this is inappropriate and wants to keep our door closed, asking the kids to knock if they want attention. I think he's being quite frankly ridiculous and giving young children comfort in this way is a part of family life.

Who is BU?

OP posts:

NoSauce · 19/10/2019 12:44

HenSolo aren’t you in the least concerned that the OP is in a new relationship and isn’t even thinking about the ramifications of letting her children share a bed with a man she hasn’t known long?

Tyersal · 19/10/2019 12:44

@hensolo if the DP doesn't like it and is met with that attitude he would be better fucking off to be with someone who takes his needs into consideration as well, you know the way you're supposed to in a relationship

Longlongsummer · 19/10/2019 12:49

To be honest I’d think it would be more concerning if he really liked the 6 and 8 year old in bed with him!

HenSolo · 19/10/2019 13:00

Yeah absolutely, that’s why I think he should sod off to the couch

HenSolo · 19/10/2019 13:03

@hensolo if the DP doesn't like it and is met with that attitude he would be better fucking off to be with someone who takes his needs into consideration as well, you know the way you're supposed to in a relationship

Yeah true, he wouldn’t last long with me to be fair. Anyone telling me my children can’t come in for a cuddle whenever they want would be laughed at really

However, obviously op needs to have a chat with him. Maybe he is up for discussion? I just feel bad for the kids who just want their mum in the night that’s all

NoSauce · 19/10/2019 13:04

Yeah absolutely, that’s why I think he should sod off to the couch

So you’re concerned about him sharing a bed with the OPs dc? But the OP isn’t, she’s ok with that and he isn’t sleeping on the sofa.

prawnsword · 19/10/2019 13:05

I don’t think anybody has the right to turf someone out of their own bed because someone wants a cuddle & it for some reason must take place in this particular bed. There are other beds in the house. Why can nobody answer as to what the big problem is for OP to cuddle the kids in their beds ? I’m really not understanding why this sleeping arrangement is so traumatic for a child. I adore co sleeping with my dogs but in a relationship can understand some people don’t like dogs on beds or in bedrooms. I would co sleep with my girls forever but sometimes a special person is worth compromising for & they adjust OK

NoSauce · 19/10/2019 13:05

Yeah true, he wouldn’t last long with me to be fair. Anyone telling me my children can’t come in for a cuddle whenever they want would be laughed at really

So you’re another who would allow a new boyfriend to share a bed with your young children? Mind boggling.

HenSolo · 19/10/2019 13:11

So you’re another who would allow a new boyfriend to share a bed with your young children? Mind boggling.

Eh? No I wouldn’t personally allow someone to stay over that soon, but it’s not about me

carolina21 · 19/10/2019 13:37

I would tell him to sleep on the sofa then..

Longlongsummer · 19/10/2019 13:40

Sleep on the sofa?!

That is obviously not sustainable in a relationship.

BeesKnees4 · 19/10/2019 13:55

@floodypuddle
I think your DP/DSS are disrespectful to you, I wouldn’t like that, it’s nice to know you have privacy somewhere in your house. I don’t agree with this attitude of kids get to do what they like, they need to learn boundaries, do they behave like this in other houses? Just barging into bedrooms?
My kids were taught to knock not just my bedroom door but each other’s; it’s about respecting people’s space and privacy.
Perhaps the OPs DP just isn’t at that level of comfort for the kids jumping in bed or walking in on him undressing, why do MN expect everyone to dance to the DC tune?

olympicsrock · 19/10/2019 14:02

My children are 4 and 7 - they frequently come in in the morning for a cuddle the little one loves to be in the middle for a family cuddle - it’s about bonding. I feel sad that your partner doesn’t feel close enough to allow this - maybe not ready to share a home yet...

Mumtotwo82 · 19/10/2019 14:19

I don't think it's such a bad thing to knock before they enter. I mean surely as our kids grow older we would want to knock before entering their room to respect their privacy.
The partner might have a point about knocking first but getting into bed for a cuddle when you say come in of course nothing is wrong with that. Maybe he wants them to knock incase he is getting dressed or maybe if the are being intimate. I wouldn't of wanted to walk in on my parents so I used to knock first and ask for a cuddle sometimes I would get in bed with them, sometimes my mum would get up and come in my bed for a cuddle. Sometimes they would still be asleep and I would go back.

NoSauce · 19/10/2019 14:36

A family cuddle? So your husband is the father? Wouldn’t it cause concern for you that the man you’d not been with very long wanted your young children in bed with him?

Longlongsummer · 19/10/2019 15:17

Would you say this is you had a boyfriend? So many posters seem to be equating what happens between mum, Dad and kids. To what happens in a step family. There is the possibility of abuse so I’m surprised really at all the responses.

I agree with no sauce there is a big difference here! And so there should be. It’s really not on for us to be exposing our kids to new adults in intimate settings. It’s totally inappropriate!

LovePoppy · 19/10/2019 17:11

How are people equating a child’s father with a relatively new partner?

Why can OP not cuddle in the children’s beds?

category12 · 19/10/2019 17:32

Why can OP not cuddle in the children’s beds?

Cos they may still be in child beds, in bunks or cabin beds that are bloody uncomfortable to join your child in?

category12 · 19/10/2019 17:36

And the dc could come into the mum's side of the bed and she can be in the middle.

There is the possibility of abuse so I’m surprised really at all the responses Christ, if there's a possibility of abuse while the mum is in the bed, there are fucking huge problems.

LovePoppy · 19/10/2019 17:48

@catagory12, maybe it’s time to get them larger beds then. A compromise

Longlongsummer · 19/10/2019 17:49

@category well you don’t encourage kids to feel comfortable in bed with your new boyfriend for a start! I’m not saying every relationship is going to have abuse.

However safeguarding starts in our homes doesn’t it? And it starts with being appropriate, and guiding our kids to recognize their own and others privacy. This example is at the heart of these crucial and important boundaries. And for once I do think that her DP is trying to put down very appropriate boundaries.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 19/10/2019 18:06

When I was with my ex DSS would often come in for a cuddle first thing in the morning. It never, ever bothered me. In fact, I loved it. There were times when he was poorly that he'd ask to sleep in bed with us, and again, no issue.

They're still young and have had a lot of upheaval. I do understand your DP's concerns, but he shouldnt be dictating something that happens on occasions.

lyralalala · 19/10/2019 18:14

Tbh I think the biggest red flag in all of this is that it bothered him previously, but he waited until after you’d moved your life 100 miles before bringing it up.

He knew it would be a big issue for you, but instead of allowing you to decide if you wanted to keep the status quo or move with him and adapt or compromise he said nothing.

Then after you’ve moved house, schools and uprooted your life he drops it on you.

That is manipulative, selfish and a massive red flag for me

Bellatrix14 · 19/10/2019 18:33

I don’t think it’s unreasonable that he doesn’t really want them in the bed (especially the older one, and especially if they’re a girl)- there could be multiple reasons why, some more understandable than others. However what is unreasonable is that he has waited until you live together before raising this as an issue. Surely he knew this was normal for your family and that they would be even more unsettled than normal after moving house?

I actually think he’s right in not wanting them to be able to just wander in entirely unannounced though. Obviously it was different when you were a single parent, but presumably you and your partner will now be wanting to have sex at some point? I would at least fit a lock on the door so you can lock it at times when you definitely don’t want to be interrupted. I am sure it would be uncomfortable for the two of you for that to happen, and I imagine it could be fairly confusing for the child too. I don’t think I’d be able to properly relax thinking that we might have a visitor at any moment!

NoSauce · 19/10/2019 18:39

The OP says she’s recently moved in together, given she’s been a single parent for 6 years and her youngest is 6, it doesn’t sound like there was much chance for him to have previously stayed over.

And if he did then the OP should have known he didn’t like them coming in before moving in together!

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