To cuddle my kids in bed?

[tearsofaunicorn]

Recently moved in with DP: we both have 2 kids, mine are with us 90% of the time and aged 6 and 8. His are teens and stay EOW.

I've been a lone parent for the last 6 years and my DC often creep into bed in the night for comfort/early in the morning for a cuddle. They never do this for longer than 5/10 mins before returning to their own beds, it's a reassurance thing and has always been this way. It's not every might, maybe 2 or 3 times a week.

DP says this is inappropriate and wants to keep our door closed, asking the kids to knock if they want attention. I think he's being quite frankly ridiculous and giving young children comfort in this way is a part of family life.

Who is BU?

Doesn't he have the right to feel uncomfortable with this?

Well yes, he does. However he is the adult and they are children. So he needs to deal with it not dictate to their mum how to parent.

He could get to fuck, my kids don't need to knock to come and cuddle me and yours shouldn't either.

Red flag op. Beware. Telling you you can't comfort your own children!

I'm the step mum and we had a sort of tacit agreement that DSS would knock during the day but night time was fair game.
He never used to come out of bed though. I would probably have gone to him in the night before DH as I'm a light sleeper.
We always had snuggles together in our bed in the mornings though, normally at weekends. DSS was 6 when we moved in together. He still is very affectionate and good at hugs at 15

I would say a compromise would be you go into their bed to cuddle them.

I think a bedroom is a personal place. For many people, as myself and other sp have said - its intrusive having children that are not your own in your bedroom. Especially when you're in bed in your pj's.

I don't think it's a red flag your do doesn't want your kids in his bed. I think if he was encouraging them in it would be more of a red flag. They're not his kids and he needs personal space.

So if your dcs need you, they could knock and ask you to join them in bed for a cuddle.

Your DP is (I assume) male, the children are not his / he has no longstanding relationship with them. I quite see (especially after reading MN threads) that this leaves him in a difficult / uncomfortable position. There ought to be a place in the home where he can competely relax, without having possible safeguarding issues at the back of his mind.

I'm with him.

We always shut out bedroom door and the kids door, always have. They haven't had in bed cuddles in the night for ages as they are 5 & 8, they would on weekend mornings sometimes. I wouldn't massively want them in with us now they aren't tiny as it is our private space, I wouldn't expect my DP to.

I don't think it is unreasonable for 6 & 8 year olds to not come into your bed at night. If mine want reassurance they get it in their own rooms.

What @Lessthanzero and @floodypuddle have said.

If someone had started a thread, saying that their ex had moved in with a new boyfriend and they'd found out from the dc he was sharing a bed with the dc - albeit for short periods of time - you'd have had some VERY different responses.

Yes, your dc need hugs and cuddles, but that doesn't mean that someone who isn't their father wants then in his bed. I don't see that as being an unreasonable request from him at all.

Your kids come first, end of, and you know it. But it's not an easy call in the circumstances, I feel for you. Hope DP can be easily, genuinely disabused of his rejecting attitude. Are there ways in which you could help him work at feeling comfortable with the intimacy the children share with you, so that he can enjoy some of that with them himself? It might be that he has always had a block on that level of closeness with his own kids, for some reason, and needs to learn how to open up to it. Or, because they're not his biological kids and are still quite young, he might have fears about what certan other people might think about them getting into bed with him, and doesn't feel able to raise that?

I don't think it is unreasonable for 6 & 8 year olds to not come into your bed at night. If mine want reassurance they get it in their own rooms.

That's not the problem though. The problem is that OP is happy to do it and new man is telling her it's not ok. Whether or not you or I would do it makes no odds. OP is happy to let them and this man had just decided to tell her she can't do what she wants with her own children. That's is controlling and absolutely not ok.

“I don't think it is unreasonable for 6 & 8 year olds to not come into your bed at night. If mine want reassurance they get it in their own rooms”

That’s fair enough, but the dc have moved house plus gained a step-dad. Too big changes. Too stop something like this would be too much.

I guess also dh’s bedroom has been his alone, so he is making adjustments as well. Maybe his teens never came in to his bedroom.

However, I thing the young dcs needs supersede dips views.

i remember an ex colleague telling me that she had never been allowed in her mother’s bedroom again once she’d married her stepfather and how she had then felt like a guest in her own home. It clearly still made her sad 30 years later. I still go and sit on the end of my mum and dad’s bed in the mornings when I go home (I always bring them a cup of tea to make up for the fact that my kids wake up so early ) and my dcs go and get into bed with them in the mornings for a cuddle. I’ve had a really REALLY busy week and have missed bedtime 4 nights running. DS (7) came in at 2am, cuddled me for 5 minutes and then went back into his own bed. I couldn’t imagine shutting the door on him and not allowing him in if he needs a cuddle in the night.

WOW he's getting a hard time could it be something a simple as he doesn't feel comfortable with them not being his kids and they get into bed with him .
Is there dad on the seen perhaps he's worried about what he thinks about them being in the same bed as there mums boyfriend.

He's being unreasonable! How awful of him to suggest this.

@rwalker

The concern should be the children, not the feelings of 2 adult men.

Here we have a mother who cuddles up with her kids in bed, a perfectly normal scenario (for some) that she is quite happy with, and the suggestions are that the new man is right to tell her to stop because he isn't happy

Come on, the children are the priority.

I love it when my 11 and 12 year old jump in for a morning cuddle with me and DP (not their dad). And then when my sisters kids come they all jump in. I would hate it if my kids were lying in bed not wanting to disturb us. You are NBU

Wow at some of these comments. Looks at dd6 snoring next to me in bed. Hell would freeze over before any man could tell me that my child could not come into my bed.

So young and so many changes for their family dynamics, and now they can't even have snuggles with mum. Just wow

YANBU I'd say this is fairly normal, especially if you've just moved. I don't think he should be ordering you around in your family life in this way- he should allow you to do what you think best and enjoy with your kids.

He's coming across like he resents the kids.

It’s totally normal for you to want a cuddle in bed with your kids.

It’s totally normal for him, who has clearly never shared a bed with your kids, to feel weird about it. I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to say that your bedroom is a place of privacy.

He has the right to voice his objections just as you have the right to say they’re always welcome. The compromise is that you end up in the middle with them on the edge, and/or they knock before coming in. That’s not unreasonable.

As a stepmum I always felt a bit awkward when DSS would get into our bed. This was our compromise.

I would be wondering if living together is the right move. Of course you should be able to cuddle your children whenever they need it. How sad to end those lovely cuddles years early because your DP wants private space without children.

It's not the discomfort, it's the wanting to dictate that would concern me. Stand your ground, OP. Don't be Mrs Murdstone.

Good Lord. At 1 week postpartum whilst in the throes of serious baby blues, I crawled into bed with my mum for a cuddle. DD1 was lying on her. I was 35!

Your DP is being ridiculous.

If I've understood correctly, the OP's partner isn't banning the kids from the bedroom, he's asking that they knock on the door before coming in.

Seems more than reasonable to me. OP if you're planning to have sex at some point wouldn't it be better that the kids knock and give you some warning rather than just appear?

This is why I wouldn't be moving a Dp in while the kids are young. Don't come in and trample all over my way of life that has suited us just fine up to now - jog on!