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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex not happy

216 replies

WhatTheFluck · 18/10/2019 21:15

Who is being unreasonable here?
My ex and I split early last year and both have new partners. Ex cheated on me.
My new partner is an excellent role model for my child and a better parent figure than my ex although he is still involved in 50/50 custody.
My partner wants to come to my daughter's parents evening with me, my ex is working so I was meant to go alone. He is not happy my partner is coming and should it's strange. Who is being unreasonable? I really don't see the problem with it.Our child is important to my partner so why should he not be there?

OP posts:
angieloumc · 19/10/2019 14:05

OP I really hope you aren't saying these things about your ex to your child. As pp said he left you, not his child and whilst I understand you're in pain, and you clearly are STILL in pain from him leaving, alienating him from your child isn't the best thing for her.

AnneElliott · 19/10/2019 14:06

Angie - op says in her first post that ex is working so cannot come. I have responded to that.

GlitchStitch · 19/10/2019 14:09

And it's clear from your other posts that you protest a bit too much tbh. It's all about how your new boyfriend is the best guy ever etc etc. Great if that's how you feel, or even if it's just what you are telling yourself to try to get over your ex. But you have no right to push that onto your daughter and her relationship with her Dad too. This man could dump you tomorrow, or next month or even next year and she'd never see him again. Her Dad will still be there.

Dollymixture22 · 19/10/2019 14:15

To be honest op I don’t think you are ready for this new relationship.

It sounds like you aren’t in any way over your ex and are trying to punish him.

You ex’s cheating does not reduce his rights as a parent.

You need to get some perspective on all this.

GruciusMalfoy · 19/10/2019 14:18

OP, your understandable hurt and upset over his shitty behaviour towards you, is risking colouring your daughter's thoughts about her father, and potentially about herself. He's as much her parent as you are.

Meggymoo777 · 19/10/2019 14:19

Sorry, gotta agree with the consensus, YABVU.

I separated from my ex 6 years ago, we have a 10yr old and we share 50/50 custody. My ex was controlling and abusive.

I've been dating the most incredible man for over a year and he has not been introduced to my son. The relationship is serious and we're in it for the long haul but I will protect my son by being 110% sure about the security of the relationship before introductions.

When they do meet and even if we all live together in time I certainly won't be calling him a step dad to my son. It's not necessary. My son has a dad. I also would not even dream of bringing him to parent teacher meeting, even if we'd been together years. It's totally inappropriate.

I hope for you and your daughters sake that this relationship continues to blossom and goes the distance. You seem to have taken this all very quickly and invested quite heavily in the relationship.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/10/2019 14:24

You need to get some counselling OP about this because it's not healthy to be so bitter. It must have hurt you terribly but you should never let it get in the way of parenting your child.

Cheating makes somebody a shit partner, not a shit parent.

Believe me, your child will start resenting you if you carry on this attitude as she gets older.

Doyoumind · 19/10/2019 14:26

OP your perspective is way off. Do you honestly think it's reasonable to say "He had an affair therefore he doesn't deserve to be a dad"? If he had an affair, moved hundreds of miles away to be with the OW and never saw his DC again you might have a point but the reality isn't even close to that.

flissity · 19/10/2019 14:28

You really have to get over the cheating.

I have been there it’s not nice. But seriously - he is the dad. That will never change.

I re-married, a while after my ExH cheated then left, DH is now stepdad to my DC. He comes to shows, nativity, etc. But No Way would he expect or ask to go to Parents Evening. That’s a job for me and ExH.

Ginger1982 · 19/10/2019 14:29

"Because its different in my situation. My ex cheated and showed our child who came first (He does and his needs.) Ordinarily, I would agree that a step parent does not have the same rights as parents but in my case, it is different ."

This is beyond naive. And he's not a 'step parent.' Seriously, you need to wise up.

NameChangeNugget · 19/10/2019 14:29

Your ex should go. Your latest DP is irrelevant here

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 19/10/2019 14:31

He cheated - in your words, he put his 'bit on the side' before his DC.
Now you're going to great lengths to argue that you should be allowed to take your new bf to your DC's parents' evening.

This reads like two parents not putting their child first.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/10/2019 14:44

What's to say your new partner won't cheat in the future? You don't know much about someone after a year. You're still in the honeymoon phase.

angieloumc · 19/10/2019 14:55

Apologies AnneElliott she says later he has their DC.

Rinoachicken · 19/10/2019 14:55

Your ex didn’t love YOU, he does love his daughter and is very involved in her life having 50/50 contact (which is more than most).

You got together with your new partner almost straight away after you and your ex split. No opportunity for you and your DD to come to terms with the separation. Your DD has had a new person introduced to her in a ‘new daddy’ capacity within 5 months of her actual dad leaving the family home.

THAT IS FAR FAR TOO FAST.

You condemn your ex because you think he put his needs before your then families, but you have done EXACTLY the same thing. By starting a new serious relationship with no time to come to terms with what has happened, for you or your DD.

You are just as selfish as you paint him to be.

A man cheating makes him a bad husband. NOT a bad father.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 19/10/2019 15:04

OP why did you post if you're so sure that your ex is being unreasonable?

It does read as if you are using your relationship with your boyfriend to try and punish your ex.

A year in is very early - your daughter has only known this man for 6/7 months. It isn't adding value for him to be at parents evening. He is being intrusive and this is a silly needless hill to die on.

Your boyfriend isn't putting your daughter first by wanting to do something that has further strained your relationship with your daughter's father over something that is not necessary at all.

I appreciate you didn't think that you actively posted to ask who is being unreasonable. Almost every single person has replied saying they think it's you. If you're unwilling to take that on board at all then what was the point in posting?

AFairlyHardAvocado · 19/10/2019 15:07

Sorry typo:

I appreciate you didn't think that but you actively posted to ask who is being unreasonable.

MistyKoala · 19/10/2019 15:24

I’m sorry you’ve not got the responses you wanted OP and I’m sorry you’ve been through the wringer a bit with your ex.

However, unfortunately, this means you need do more than other parents now to protect your DC and ensure they have good relationships with BOTH their parents. Yes, including dad. Your partner can still have a good relationship with DC, that’s great. But parents go to parents evening. It’s not the end of the world if your partner doesn’t go, the positive role model and positive relationship will still be there. But it will be less confusing for your DC who is still trying to get their head around all the new changes in their family.

Your DC is lucky enough here to have lots of people who care about them. Make the most of this, but don’t let your judgement of your ex get in the way of their relationship with your DC.

Northernsoullover · 19/10/2019 15:28

The meeting a partner/boyfriend before a year that MN holds up as the gold standard of parenting (this only applies to Mothers. Fathers who do the same are fine Confused). I think this is a bit of a red herring. Some people don't get any child free time at all so unless poor old mum gives up dating for 18 years this isn't always ideal. However I'm digressing.
OP you do not know this man. Its fine to have a boyfriend and for him to meet your child but it should be kept casual (at least in the eyes of your daughter). Parents evening is NOT casual. I've been with my partner for 5 years. We don't live together because of our respective children but his daughters call me their stepmother. It has never occurred to either of us to go to each other's childrens parents evening.
Also please safeguard yours and your childs future. It sounds like you may be due a divorce settlement? For goodness sake please don't sink that into any joint commitment. Just bide your time. I'd hate for you to lose any capital with someone you barely know.
Of course he could be bringing something equal to the table but if this is not the case use your head not your heart .
Remember most of us who have escaped shitty relationships also believed that our partners were the best thing since sliced bread when we met them!

EileenAlanna · 19/10/2019 15:56

OP what's your new(ish) man's relationship history? I assume he didn't just spring into being as a fully formed 35-40? year old. Was he ever married or in a long term living together relationship? Do you know whether or not he has any children of his own somewhere? If he has what kind of relationship does he have with them?
Your DD only sees him a couple of times a week for "fun" stuff & tbh it's easy to be a Disney Dad or mum in those circumstances. Saying your daughter "adores" him is a very strong emotion to be attributing to her. It's wildly over-used when what ppl actually mean is they get along fine so far. There may be much less adoration in evidence from both of them when the day to day nitty gritty of living in the same house replaces the fun days. Are you giving your DD the space to be able to communicate her actual feelings to you, will she feel obliged to keep up some kind of a facade?
It's lovely that you're feeling happy in a new relationship but as others have said it is still quite early days & there's no need to rush anything.

Evilspiritgin · 19/10/2019 16:12

@Northernsoullover I would put fathers in that category as well but in the majority of cases they aren’t usually rp , I wonder if that makes a difference??

BunnyColvin · 19/10/2019 16:21

Your new piece of a wet week is muscling in very fast on your daughter isn't he OP?

But then again, you're not listening to anyone's advice so good luck with that I guess.

aSofaNearYou · 19/10/2019 16:56

For what it's worth OP I don't really understand why you're getting flack for having introduced him, a year is not a short relationship especially if he is as kind and responsible as he sounds.

But it sounds like it would be a lot less hassle to go alone.

ShitOnIt78 · 19/10/2019 17:29

WHOA WHOA WHOA! this thread says your ex died?! Confused

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a3712217-To-ask-if-this-is-possible?msg_id=90658537#90658537

velocitygirl7 · 19/10/2019 17:31

'What the fuck' seems an appropriate username?!
Now I'm totally confused Confused