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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex not happy

216 replies

WhatTheFluck · 18/10/2019 21:15

Who is being unreasonable here?
My ex and I split early last year and both have new partners. Ex cheated on me.
My new partner is an excellent role model for my child and a better parent figure than my ex although he is still involved in 50/50 custody.
My partner wants to come to my daughter's parents evening with me, my ex is working so I was meant to go alone. He is not happy my partner is coming and should it's strange. Who is being unreasonable? I really don't see the problem with it.Our child is important to my partner so why should he not be there?

OP posts:
Doodlebug5 · 19/10/2019 10:14

I'm 10 years into being a step mum and even I dont go to parents evening and I wouldn't ask.

It isn't my place. I'm not a parent. The child has two parents for that

Sallyseagull · 19/10/2019 10:16

YABU.

I think it would be weird if your new partner came.

velocitygirl7 · 19/10/2019 10:17

@Dollymixture22 yep, we really do! I actually find it quite sad as the mums are totally caught up in the giddiness of a new relationship and seem blind to what makes sense!
I feel I can say what I like about this subject, as I had a new partner when my own dc were 3 & 7 and do you honestly think he got near parents evening in the first few years of our relationship?!!
I've been there, just relax and enjoy your new relationship, leave your dds dad to be the father. You may hate him but I bet she doesn't!

SpotlessMind · 19/10/2019 10:18

I think you have to ask yourself whose needs are being served by your partner going with you - what could the teacher tell you that he needs to be there in person to hear? For one, you might want to talk to the teacher about how they feel your DD is coping with the marriage breakdown and the 50/50 split and that is a little more awkward for the teacher if your new partner is sat there.

It’s simply unnecessary. Like it or not, your DD has a present and involved dad, and it would benefit her if you can maintain a reasonably amicable relationship with him, as hard and as unpalatable as that may be.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/10/2019 10:21

You are literally letting your own feelings about your ex cloud your judgment. Your ex can't be that shit of a parent as he is still involved 50/50 and wants to be involved with his child. Him cheating on you makes him a bad partner, not a bad father.

Your new partner should not go to parents evening, I am a divorced parent also and I would not have a partner coming along to parents evening.

Nogoodusername · 19/10/2019 10:23

For me, a year is still a relatively new relationship and absolutely not long enough or committed enough to be considered a step parent - basically a boyfriend that you don’t live with

Doyoumind · 19/10/2019 10:27

Yes YABVU. No need for your partner to go. He isn't a parent and you can tell him what the teacher has said if he needs to know.

Duchessgummybuns · 19/10/2019 11:13

Why bother to ask for opinions if you’re going to ignore everyone who doesn’t agree with you?

Yeahnahyeah1 · 19/10/2019 11:30

Oh get a fucking grip op. That’s great that you’re so happy and that your boyfriend is a good person to have around your child, honestly great news, but a boyfriend of a year is absolutely not a parent and as such shouldn’t be attending parents evenings. It’s not difficult.
Also I think you’re confusing your feelings about your ex with his abilities as a parent. Separate the two, your child will thank you long term.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/10/2019 11:31

I don't think OP is as happy as she says or she wouldn't be holding onto such bitter feelings.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 19/10/2019 11:32

I did wonder the same @Waxonwaxoff0 , trying a bit too hard perhaps. Just let life happen OP, don’t force it.

Lllot5 · 19/10/2019 11:42

It’s called parents evening not my Mum’s new boyfriend’s evening.
You are completely in the wrong you should only just be considering introducing him to your dd now not taking him to parents evening.
He might be a great partner( in the future) but he’s not at the moment.
Slow down.

swingofthings · 19/10/2019 11:43

Sorry OP but you are very naive. Of course your new partner is wonderful right now, he's known your daughter for only 7 months and have only seen her when the circumstances were nice and pleasant. Your relationship is still at that stage of proving to each other how perfect you are for each other and making efforts to impress.

You have no idea, really no idea how your OH will be when he has to share his home with you and your DD, when your DD start to realise how much room he takes in your heart, when he might have to cope with tantrums, grumpiness, sulkiness, mess etc... You have no idea what kind of step dad he'll be until you see how he reacts when faced with stress and frustration.

I wouldn't think there was anything wrong with him going when you have lived together for some time, he is still very involved (rather than curiously interested and trying to impress you), and your ex can't make it. As it stands, there is no benefit for your dd at all with him going. It sounds like you just want to prove to people at school that you've moved on and doing well, and making it more about you than your dd. It's wrong, however tempting I can understand it being.

SoyDora · 19/10/2019 11:47

There is absolutely no need whatsoever for your partner to be there. He wants to show an interest? Fab, you can tell him all about it when you get home.

ShitOnIt78 · 19/10/2019 11:49

Waaaaay too much too soon! At a year in your child shouldn't have even MET your new boyfriend yet, let alone be trying to parent him! Shock

I was a single parent to DD1, when I met how DH I waited 2 years to be sure it was really going somewhere before slowly integrating him into her life. Now 8 years on, he does take some parental responsibility but parents evening is still for her father and I. You need to stop thinking of what you want and think about what is best for your son!

yellowallpaper · 19/10/2019 11:55

Your ex should either make arrangements to be there or butt out. Your new partner will (hopefully) be a part of your child's life into her future and will be supporting her through her schooling. He is also supporting you, so your ex is being unreasonable.

ElizaDee · 19/10/2019 11:56

So stepdads can't go to parents evening but must have DSC in their beds whenever the kids want, despite the stepdad wanting privacy.

MN at its finest 😂

NorthernSpirit · 19/10/2019 11:59

YABU. You are pushing the father out. Absolutely no reason for someone who has known the child about a year to go to parents evening.

Parents evening is for parents.

If the shoe was on the other foot and your EX bought the new girlfriend to parents evening - how would you feel?

I’ve known my DSC for 6 years and I would never attend parents evening. It’s not my role.

yellowallpaper · 19/10/2019 11:59

I think you should ignore some of the reactions here. They are totally bonkers. You have a kind, loving new partner who you trust to be a supportive stepfather. You've been together a year, not 5 minutes. Your ex is parenting 50/50 yet can't make arrangements to be there for his DD?

Just ignore all the crazies here and their wild accusations and assumptions. Go with your gut feeling and have the man you love and trust to be a partner and step parent, by your side.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 19/10/2019 12:05

YABU - parents' evening isn't about your shiny new relationship, it's about you going along to find out how your DD is doing. You sounds like you're making it all about him being better than your ex, when it's got sod all to do with him and everything to do with your DD's progress at school. Make it about her. Go on your own, I'm sure your bf will be fine with not coming along and just seeing you when you get home.

ShadowOnTheSun · 19/10/2019 12:10

Boyfriend of one year at the parents evening?? I'd kick the merry hell if my ex would do this.

Thatoneoverthere · 19/10/2019 12:14

My step dad went to my parents evenings but it was probably after about 5 years of living with him and I've known the man since I was two. He's my parent no question, my dad hasn't been on the scene since I was very little, but I'd keep in mind that these thing build up over years and years not months. Just take you time, it doesn't need to all happen at once.

KUGA · 19/10/2019 12:18

So basically he can help bring the dc up and possibly for a long time but not good enough to go to parents evening.
I would be a little miffed if I was dp.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 19/10/2019 12:19

I’m with your ex

Your ex has 50/50 custody he is very much a dad to his child. I get you don’t like him and that’s fine but parents evening is just that not bring your new partner evening

Ringdonna · 19/10/2019 12:22

When it cones to an ex they should always trump your partner.