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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex not happy

216 replies

WhatTheFluck · 18/10/2019 21:15

Who is being unreasonable here?
My ex and I split early last year and both have new partners. Ex cheated on me.
My new partner is an excellent role model for my child and a better parent figure than my ex although he is still involved in 50/50 custody.
My partner wants to come to my daughter's parents evening with me, my ex is working so I was meant to go alone. He is not happy my partner is coming and should it's strange. Who is being unreasonable? I really don't see the problem with it.Our child is important to my partner so why should he not be there?

OP posts:

Downton57 · 18/10/2019 22:22

We often had step-parents/relatively new partners at parents' evenings and personally I don't think there's anything odd about it at all. Sometimes we had to have separate parents' appointments, to accommodate both sets, which I did think was taking the piss a bit, but if the parents can come to an amicable agreement as to who is coming along on the night then I think it's perfectly fine.

Provincialbelle · 18/10/2019 22:25

Step parent I would expect to go, at least if the other parent couldn’t attend. New boyfriend, not at all appropriate.

Dollymixture22 · 18/10/2019 22:26

I am confused. Do you not understand what a step parent is?

You have a boyfriend. I am sure he is amazing, but you haven’t made a commitment to each other to either move in or get married.

Strictly speaking a step parent is the spouse of a parent. He is not. If you lived together But decided against marriage, then I could understand applying the step parent title. But you don’t.

Your relationship Is in its early stages and you haven’t committed to each other - why are you so keen to tie him to your child?

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 18/10/2019 22:33

^^^
Exactly what Dollymixture said.

MitziK · 18/10/2019 22:36

Is your ex working or looking after your DC? If he's working, does that mean he's got his partner to look after him for the night?

Original poster

WhatTheFluck · 18/10/2019 22:36

We have been together over a year so hardly a new relationship. And it keeps getting better. Why the surprise that he has met my child? I didn't introduce him until 5 months in and they get on amazingly. He adores each other. I feel like something good came out of something terrible. I do feel he was meant to come into our lives after what happened.
Yes, my partner is much better than my ex and everyone thinks it. My ex is cold, selfish and puts her own needs first. Didn't think about his child at all when he was cheating.
When my ex left I saw him as who he truly was. I now see what real love is.
With that said, it's not a punishment what we are doing or a two fingers up to my ex. We just come as a team now and it will mean a lot to have him there with me if it can happen which it seems unlikely to do so now.

OP posts:

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 18/10/2019 22:41

One year is relatively new, like others have said - you're still in the honeymoon phase. You're still getting to know each other. How long were you together with your ex? You must have seen something in him.

You keep on coming back to the cheating - are you sure you're over it?

Original poster

WhatTheFluck · 18/10/2019 22:41

I am in the process of divorce and partner and I are also looking for somewhere to buy together but looking at legal side of things if I do this before divorce. Seems crazy to me that only then some of you will consider him a stepdad.
My child needs a good, male, role model in his life as he won't get it from his dad. My partner provides this.
When all is said and done, I only have background to ask if I was being U or ex was. General consensus seems to be that it's me in the wrong. I take it on board as I did post . But still think some of you are being way too harsh.

OP posts:

PookieDo · 18/10/2019 22:41

Oh well carry on then why did you come for advice or just to gloat?

MeTheeAndACupOfTea · 18/10/2019 22:45

I'm with your ex. He is your child's father, your partner isn't.
Your child's father has every right to be interested in his child's education.
Too many deadbeat dad's are happy to walk away without a backward glance at their kids, be happy that yours isn't one of them.

Starlight456 · 18/10/2019 22:46

You are missing the point still.

It isn’t a best dad competition. Dd has a dad.

You agreed to 50/50 with this man .

WaterOffADucksCrack · 18/10/2019 22:47

It doesn't sound like anyone is putting your child first or asking how they feel about who goes. It all seems to be pathetic point scoring.

We are committed to the long-term you can't possibly know that until time has passed.

He isn't a cheat and is a much better, more stable influence on my child again, you don't know that. Most people wouldn't think their "partners" are cheats....until they are. You're making a lot of sweeping statements about this man, almost as though you're trying to make him look like a good candidate to replace your child's father.

I think it's just him showing an interest, he is stepdad to my child now and takes it very seriously which is what I love about him I'd be a little wary of someone trying to become what seems to be over involved with your child. Obviously I don't know if he's got appropriate boundaries etc but it's good to periodically take a step back.

contrast is strong, kind and a great role model. We are very lucky he has come into our lives and wants to support us so much and take on a parenting role He's got you thinking you're lucky to have been graced with his presence in your life!

Original poster

WhatTheFluck · 18/10/2019 22:47

We were together for 14 years. Now I see how wrong the relationship was. Many people since have told me how cold he was to me and as I said, I now know what it is to experience real love and to be truly cherished. I wouldn't call over a year 'The honeymoon phase' either. It does just keep getting better and we all have so much fun.
I feel very lucky but I know saying that will get me flamed on here. The worst time of my life has led me to the best time.
Back to the original topic, if ex still not happy, I won't bring new partner. I can't say I will ever be over his cheating but I see him for who he is and am so pleased to be out of his life.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 18/10/2019 22:48

I'm really confused because in your opening post, you say your boyfriend wants to go to your 'daughter's' parents evening.

But all in all your other posts you refer to your child as 'he' and 'his'

Hotpinkangel19 · 18/10/2019 22:48

I have taken my husband to my daughter's parents evening, he's her stepdad and we all live together. Her dad doesn't really go to parents evening but he's always got the choice to go, and I would be happy if he took his wife with him.

Original poster

WhatTheFluck · 18/10/2019 22:49

Trying to avoid being outed. It's my daughter

OP posts:

OchNah · 18/10/2019 22:54

A year is no time at all, your kid should ideally not have even had their parents current boyfriend (or mistress) introduced to them at this stage, your relationship with your boyfriend should be entirely separate to your role as a parent until you know each other long term and have gradually introduced the boyfriend in tiny increments. A step parent is a person married to the child’s parent, and even then, has no need to be at a child’s parent teacher meeting. I say this as someone who has a step parent-some dude married my mother, he’s nothing to me, but my mother chose to force some dude into my life and legally made him her family.

KeziaOAP · 18/10/2019 22:55

OchNah · 18/10/2019 22:59

By the way, there was a study that showed for the first 18months of a new relationship (so yes, in the new stage), your brain secretes serotonin, it is indeed the ‘honeymoon’ stage where you are dating, seeing each other on what should be their best behaviours, lots of shagging, beginning to get to know each other. Very, very early days, in which throwing a kid whose whole world has been ripped apart into the mix is a recipe for disaster. But hey, who cares right? Your kid has two parents. Your current boyfriend is not a parent.

Techway · 18/10/2019 23:00

A year is way to early to decide you know this man. It takes 2 years to show true character so you are definitely in honeymoon phase. You may choose to ignore this but you are playing with your daughters childhood

I know someone who insisted their new bf (later dh) came to step childs parent evening because he was love of her life. She even had dc with him..a few years later she dumped him and proclaimed he had been terrible. She had even tried to change chids surname to new husband but first husband wouldn't allow it.The child is now a teen and doesn't see the step dad at all and everything about him is negative. This really does happen.

A year is nothing so don't rush anything... It is not healthy to rush a new relationship especially with DC and parents evening is definitely a boundary that should not be crossed so early on.

Ifeelinclined · 18/10/2019 23:00

You aren't listening, OP. Your ex's cheating has nothing to do with your new DP going to parents night. Stop conflating the two. Your ex is still your child's father.

Downton57 · 18/10/2019 23:12

Yes, the ex is still the child's father, but he can't go. Bringing a partner to parents' night isn't the massive deal some of you are making out. It's called parents' night but teachers are well used to speaking to partners of parents, grandparents, foster carers, aunties and older siblings who've come along instead/as well as. The OPs partner coming doesn't invalidate the father's relationship with his child, or push him out, as he isn't able to attend, and so is being a bit unreasonable to complain. For the teacher, meeting all the parents/carers/parents' partners in a child's life is useful. It puts faces to names.

Ifeelinclined · 18/10/2019 23:16

But the child's father doesn't want the new partner to go. So he shouldn't go.

Isohungy · 18/10/2019 23:21

I don't know why anyone bothers replying to these threads. OP isn't willing to listen. Step dad indeed! Its been 5 minutes, chill out. Totally inappropriate for him to be at parents evening. Ex might be a dick but you are unreasonable.

WorraLiberty · 18/10/2019 23:22

Buying a house with your boyfriend will still not automatically make him your child's stepdad.

You had a thread on here the other day, saying you only see your boyfriend at weekends.

I think you need to slow down. To be honest, you don't really sound as though you're over the fact your ex cheated on you.

That sort of thing can take a lot of time for both you and your child. Buying a house with someone you only see on weekends really isn't a wise idea as that will be your child's home.

At least rent together for a while and take it a bit slower.

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