Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex not happy

216 replies

WhatTheFluck · 18/10/2019 21:15

Who is being unreasonable here?
My ex and I split early last year and both have new partners. Ex cheated on me.
My new partner is an excellent role model for my child and a better parent figure than my ex although he is still involved in 50/50 custody.
My partner wants to come to my daughter's parents evening with me, my ex is working so I was meant to go alone. He is not happy my partner is coming and should it's strange. Who is being unreasonable? I really don't see the problem with it.Our child is important to my partner so why should he not be there?

OP posts:
Downton57 · 18/10/2019 23:26

But why doesn't he want the new partner to go? It seems a bit controlling. It isn't something for him to dictate surely? As long as the OP is 100% sure that she'd be fine with ex and his partner going next time.After all, its in a child's interests for everyone involved in her life to be interested in their well-being/education and its much better that they all get on rather than fight about it. Honestly, I'm just struggling to see the harm. Even if the new partner isn't always going to be around, he is there for now and a year is a long time in a young child's life.

WorraLiberty · 18/10/2019 23:29

Downton perhaps he doesn't want the new bloke to be involved because he isn't actually the OP's partner?

He's a bloke she sees on weekends and that's completely different imo.

The OP's child's education has literally nothing to do with this guy at the moment.

Maybe in the future but not at this early stage.

TheFurminator · 18/10/2019 23:34

Jesus. You split up with your ex last year? Your partner is not a "partner", he's a boyfriend and a new one at that. Are you living together already??? What the fuck?

People are mad the way they'll just dump a new man into their children's lives within months of getting together with them. YOU DONT KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT HIM YET! Give it a year in the bloody relationship before you start trying to play happy families surely? Or at least give the poor kid a chance to get over the breakup of her parents' marriage??

Is it me???

WorraLiberty · 18/10/2019 23:58

Is it me???

No but look at the flaming people get when they suggest women should be a bit more choosy about who they bring into their kid's lives and inevitably end up having more kids with, only to find themselves in yet another abusive relationship.

They get accused of victim blaming (understandably) but at the same time, so many women are in too much of a hurry to replace one partner with another.

BloggersBlog · 19/10/2019 00:07

Parents evenings happen twice a year with my dcs school. If your ex can't be bothered to make sure he takes time off work two times a year to be there, then he's lost his right to have a say in who CAN be bothered to be there IMO

cookingonwine · 19/10/2019 00:10

If you live with your OH then yes he has a right to be there, even the schools take a welcome view on this. However if he doesn't there isn't an actual benefit.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 19/10/2019 00:11

@BloggersBlog some people can't just take time off. Sometimes it's rejected and sometimes they just have to be in the office. Obviously it depends on the job but it doesn't mean he can't be bothered. Maybe he just couldn't take the time off.

WorraLiberty · 19/10/2019 00:13

Bloggers for goodness sake do you reserve that judgy opinion for all parents or just ex's?

WagtailRobin · 19/10/2019 00:20

If your ex was happy for your current boyfriend to attend, then it wouldn't be an issue but your ex isn't happy about it and I think you should try to respect his wishes (in these circumstances). Would you be content for your ex to bring his new girlfriend?

Fournearlyfive · 19/10/2019 00:21

No, he doesn't need to be there.

Aside from anything else, it's like a 5-10 min appointment and loads of people go alone.

I know you think he is the love of your life but he only met your kids a matter of months ago, hes hardly a "better parent figure" than their very involved father. He's mum's new bf.

Fournearlyfive · 19/10/2019 00:25

bloggers my kids school gives about 3 days notice for parents eve.

Would you still judge this dad if it turned out he was in the army or an A&E Dr unable to get out of work?

Drabarni · 19/10/2019 00:25

YABU it's called parents evening. Not the bloke your mums shaggin she's known for 5 min evening
HTH

Fournearlyfive · 19/10/2019 00:32

Drabarni GrinGrinGrin

My DCs school should really think about displaying posters declaring this.

Evilspiritgin · 19/10/2019 00:39

Op please think about what your doing and slow down, are you honestly trying to say that your young daughter has met this man 5 months ago and you are already foisting him into her safe place, you only need to read some of the stories on here from women whose childhood have been scarred

SprinkleDash · 19/10/2019 00:44

@WhatTheFluck I didn't introduce him until 5 months in

Introducing your child to a partner after only 5 months is insanity!!! WAY TOO SOON!! You’re making some really irresponsible decisions and long-term your child will pay a big chunk of the consequences!!

Stompythedinosaur · 19/10/2019 00:59

I agreed with pps that a boyfriend you've been dating for a year is not a step dad and shouldn't be at parents evening.

KarenBlackpool1997 · 19/10/2019 01:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/10/2019 01:37

You've been together just over a year and introduced them at 5 months. So say they've known each other 7 months. You only see him weekends so thats say 30 weekends. Your ex has 50/50 custody so presumably some of those weekends DD isn't home. Even if we said 3/4 they're both there the same weekend that's say 22 weekends. 44 days

44 days with your child is not sufficient for him to be a step father.

mediumbrownmug · 19/10/2019 01:58

YABU. Your boyfriend who has known your daughter for a matter of months is not a step dad, or a parental figure of any kind. Your daughter already has a dad, and her dad doesn’t want your boyfriend to attend parents’ evening simply because said boyfriend is in no way her parent/can’t make parenting decisions/is surplus to requirements as he hardly knows her. This is both reasonable and in your daughter’s best interest.

Ihateedmundelephant · 19/10/2019 02:13

Sorry but I think it’s really inappropriate for your partner to go.

velocitygirl7 · 19/10/2019 09:01

My dc hadn't even met my now dh at the stage you're at! And my ex dh buggered off hundreds of miles away 6 weeks after we split up.
Your dd has a very involved dad, you may not like him but that's not an excuse for over involving a new partner who has only spent 50% of 7 months with her!
He's not even close to be her stepdad, my own dh considered that a badge of honour, that took years of hard work and patience to achieve.

velocitygirl7 · 19/10/2019 09:06

Incidentally, parents evening is part of my job and we regularly (internally) cringe when Mums bring new partners to parents evening, especially when they refer them as being their child's Stepdad.
Your dds school will not regard it as a positive for your dd, believe me!

TheFurminator · 19/10/2019 09:15

I'll be even blunter actually - it seems like what you really want is to show ex that he can be replaced just as easily as he replaced you, and you're forcing far too much closeness far too soon in the relationship between your new partner and your DC in order to do so. I think that's really very low.

Dollymixture22 · 19/10/2019 10:09

Tbh op you seem quite immature.

It’s lovely you have a new boyfriend and to you can mentally thumb your nose at your ex.

You are clearly still very angry with him, and it will take time to get over what happened.

But you are seem to be in thrall of this new boyfriend and seem to be determined to make him as close to your child as possible - the new better husband and father. He might be your husband o e day, but her will never be this child’s father.

I agree the schools role their eyes when all these partners and step parents rock up to the school. I have a Teacher friend who says the steps can change every year, And there is much giggling in the staff room about which ‘step’ parent put on the best show. Teachers want to see the parents, not step parents and not partners.

No one has a right to go to a parents evening apart from parents.

Dollymixture22 · 19/10/2019 10:09

Roll their eyes!! Oops