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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex not happy

216 replies

WhatTheFluck · 18/10/2019 21:15

Who is being unreasonable here?
My ex and I split early last year and both have new partners. Ex cheated on me.
My new partner is an excellent role model for my child and a better parent figure than my ex although he is still involved in 50/50 custody.
My partner wants to come to my daughter's parents evening with me, my ex is working so I was meant to go alone. He is not happy my partner is coming and should it's strange. Who is being unreasonable? I really don't see the problem with it.Our child is important to my partner so why should he not be there?

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 18/10/2019 21:33

I agree with ex . I am Lp always gone to parents evening on my own and have never understood why 2 parents went. As a grown up I am capable of retaining and askin. Questions for a ten minute appointment

FreddieRocks · 18/10/2019 21:33

Having initially been unable to see a problem with your new partner going, I’m now wondering if your child will be attending too? That would change my opinion I think. My mum’s partner, who later became my step-dad, always used to go with my mum, but I didn’t go too (and my dad was barely involved).

Birthdaycakemondays · 18/10/2019 21:36

If you didn’t already realise, YABU.

BlockedandDeleted · 18/10/2019 21:45

YABVU!!!

My new partner is an excellent role model for my child and a better parent figure than my ex although he is still involved in 50/50 custody

This rings alarm bells, you've known this man for a very short period of time and it feels like you're trying to replace your children's Dad!

It's troubling that your boyfriend wants to play this role so early.

When your ex says it's strange, he's right, on many levels.

Grainedmonkey · 18/10/2019 21:50

Sorry OP but YABU, ex is right here, it's strange.

MegaClutterSlut · 18/10/2019 21:50

Yabu I'm with your ex on this

Original poster
WhatTheFluck · 18/10/2019 21:51

We have been together just over a year. I don't see how it sets alarm bells ringing?
We are committed to the long-term and my child adores him.
I stand by what I said. He isn't a cheat and is a much better, more stable influence on my child.

My child will be with his dad that day. I was intending to go alone to the parents evening but my partner usually stays over that evening so he said he would like to come along. I think it's just him showing an interest, he is stepdad to my child now and takes it very seriously which is what I love about him.

OP posts:
Maltay · 18/10/2019 21:55

Dolly mixture - she's been fine. I think there was one time where her and DP saw the teacher at the same time so I just sat in the library with the kids. We're not best mates but we can talk about the kids and she knows I read to them and help them with homework. It's not like the teacher says anything that's a secret just 'dsd1 doing well' , 'dsd2 is easily distracted' - it's stuff we all already know.
What do people normally talk about at parents evening? Normally we just listen to what the teacher is saying so it's not like I'm going in there offering opinions about the children, is that what would upset most people about step parents going?

84claire84 · 18/10/2019 21:56

This is all about your ex cheating. You need to seek help or move on and stop playing childish games involving your boyfriend and your child. He's not a stepdad at all.

Dollymixture22 · 18/10/2019 22:00

He’s not a step dad, if I have picked you up correctly you aren’t married and you don’t live together.

Why cause upset over something so minor. He must understand he is not a parent - dating a woman with a child (even marrying a woman with a child) does not make you a parent.

Is there a danger you are trying to hurt your cheating ex?

I am heavily involved in my nephews life - have been so since he day her was born - I look after him two days a week and I often help with his homework. I have never gone to parents evening. Why does your new boyfriend think he should go?

Dollymixture22 · 18/10/2019 22:03

Maltay, as I said if the parents are ok with extra people coming along then it’s not an issue at all.

When one parents says no, then I do think it’s about pushing buttons and making statements. A partner who isn’t a parent doesn’t need to be there, they can hear about it afterwards.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 18/10/2019 22:03

He has only been with you for a year though. It's great that he is committed however a year is nothing and he isn't her parent.

You didn't ask other posters questions about how you'd feel if the roles were reversed - how would you feel if it was your ex and his partner going instead of you.

Mintypea5 · 18/10/2019 22:08

Tbh it just sounds like you're trying to just prove your New partner is better than your sons dad.

He may be committed to you and a long term relationship / play a part in your sons life (you may consider him a step dad although others would disagree) but your son has two parents you and your ex.

My DH and I have children together and is very much an active part of my eldest life as he lives with us the majority of the week but he recognises it's not his place to attend parents evenings etc. That's up to me and my ex.

GruciusMalfoy · 18/10/2019 22:08

Your boyfriend may very well be lovely and a stable influence, but it's still early days, he isn't her stepdad (yet) and her actual dad is an involved parent. It would be inappropriate for him to attend parents evening.

Starlight456 · 18/10/2019 22:09

The cheating on you has nothing to do with how he parents . They are with his dad 50% of the time they doesn’t need a replacement dad he has one .

You have every right to feel however you feel about him cheating but to co parent your dc you need to separate the two

Original poster
WhatTheFluck · 18/10/2019 22:12

I would accept it but it's different as she was his affair partner.
I don't understand the not being married, not living together part not making him a stepdad. It's been over a year now and we both couldn't be happier. I am actually glad my ex did what he did as it meant I met who I was truly meant to be with. I was devastated at the time but now I see what happened did so for a reason.
My ex is a selfish man who is very cold and who has done some awful things. My partner by contrast is strong, kind and a great role model. We are very lucky he has come into our lives and wants to support us so much and take on a parenting role. If its such a big deal to my ex, I will say partner can't come to parents evening but I do feel its an over reaction and he needs to understand that my partner has an important role in my child's life now. Not as his dad but as a step parent figure.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 18/10/2019 22:13

I agree with your EX.. you partner has no business being at parents night.

SprinkleDash · 18/10/2019 22:14

Your newish partner has already met your child? Yeesh! I’m with your ex. You may want new boyfriend to play Daddy but he isn’t now nor will he ever be! You’re being weird and you’re going to mess your kid up!

PookieDo · 18/10/2019 22:15

I don’t think my ex’s GF needs to go to parents evening to be honest
I don’t see the relevance if one parent is going that there is a need for a partner to also go

SprinkleDash · 18/10/2019 22:16

@WhatTheFluck I am actually glad my ex did what he did as it meant I met who I was truly meant to be with

Oh please! You’ve been together 5 minutes in relationship terms! Still in the classic ‘honeymoon phase’.

BumbleBeee69 · 18/10/2019 22:16

you're also clouding the waters between your ex's behaviour during your relationship, and your new partners wish to attend the Parent evening. These are two entirely issues. One does not trump the other.

Your ex is a Dick.

Your new partner should not attend your childs parent evening.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 18/10/2019 22:17

I’m with your EX too. Please give your head a serious wobble as YABVVU!

WorraLiberty · 18/10/2019 22:18

For goodness sake

He's your boyfriend, not your partner or your kid's stepdad.

And no, your boyfriend shouldn't be getting involved in his parents evening.

NotStayingIn · 18/10/2019 22:21

I assume there was a time when you thought your ex was amazing. You know, before he turned into a cheat, a selfish cold man who did awful things. Slow down!

Beveren · 18/10/2019 22:21

If you don't live together you're basically boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't think that makes your boyfriend your child's stepfather.

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