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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex not happy

216 replies

WhatTheFluck · 18/10/2019 21:15

Who is being unreasonable here?
My ex and I split early last year and both have new partners. Ex cheated on me.
My new partner is an excellent role model for my child and a better parent figure than my ex although he is still involved in 50/50 custody.
My partner wants to come to my daughter's parents evening with me, my ex is working so I was meant to go alone. He is not happy my partner is coming and should it's strange. Who is being unreasonable? I really don't see the problem with it.Our child is important to my partner so why should he not be there?

OP posts:
PrincessPain · 19/10/2019 12:35

So stepdads can't go to parents evening but must have DSC in their beds whenever the kids want, despite the stepdad wanting privacy.

So basically he can help bring the dc up and possibly for a long time but not good enough to go to parents evening.
I would be a little miffed if I was dp.

Neither of these situations are comparable.
They're not married, they don't live together, he doesn't help parent the DC, and has only known the DC for 6 months.
Hardly deserves the title of stepdad

SnowsInWater · 19/10/2019 12:38

YABU. When children have two actively involved parents there is absolutely no reason for new partners to attend parents evenings. If you insisted on bringing him despite knowing your ex doesn't want it I would assume you are being deliberately difficult,

yellowallpaper · 19/10/2019 12:41

But the ex can't be bothered to get time off work!

So the OP can't be supported by her new partner?

yellowallpaper · 19/10/2019 12:42

New DP isn't applying to adopt the child FFS, only to hear how her phonics are coming along!

Anotheruser02 · 19/10/2019 12:43

Is it just me that see's parents evening as a quick appointment to make sure everything's fine and voice any concerns/ questions that you wouldn't have time to make at pick up? Ours last about 10 minutes and are not these ceremonious things to announce yourself/ introduce anyone. Especially if dc doesn't attend too I think i've had routine dental checks that last longer.
I think it's weird that two adults need to attend together when either parent can just inform the other what was said. Either I go or ds's Dad does it's not a family outing here.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 19/10/2019 12:46

What 'support' does OP need, though? My DH hasn't ever been able to attend parents evenings. Never ever. Doesn't mean he doesn't support his DC, or that I need someone else with me to see my DC's teachers, because I'm more than capable of going on my own. This man's known the child seven months. Why does he need to be there? Why does he get to listen to details of how she's doing at school when he's known her such a short time?

SpotlessMind · 19/10/2019 12:46

So the OP can't be supported by her new partner?

Why on earth would you need support for a parents evening? You go in, they tell you your child is great at this, needs to put work into that, then you leave. OP can share all this with her boyfriend when she gets home, what purpose does he serve by being there?

SoyDora · 19/10/2019 12:58

So the OP can't be supported by her new partner?

What support do you need for a parents evening??

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/10/2019 13:01

Why on earth would the OP need supporting by a new partner for a parents evening?

My ex can't always make parents evenings as his job involves shift patterns. He can't just take time off whenever he wants, he has to book it quite far in advance. Doesn't bother me at all, I go to parents evenings as my job is much more flexible than his and then phone him to tell him what went on. I wouldn't take a new partner to a parents evening, why do they need to be there?

Drabarni · 19/10/2019 13:02

I'm sure OP is capable of attending a parents evening without some random man supporting her. Grin
Who said feminism was dead.

LemonPrism · 19/10/2019 13:10

are you married? If not then he's not a step-dad. He's just his/her mums boyfriend

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/10/2019 13:11

You don't truly know a man until you've lived wiith them and also had some trying times in their company.

Any man can be a perfect partner for a year when he lives out. Wait until he's been woken up every night seven times by a child whose then thrown tantrums all the next day because they are overtired. For about six months.

THEN you know how 'perfect' they really are.

Sorry, OP, but your DC's dad trumps your desire for your new partner to demonstrate how much better you think he is.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 19/10/2019 13:14

YABU.

DH wouldn’t dream of coming to parents evening of the children I have with ExDP.

Having said that, DH and ExDPs DW do come to sports day, school plays, money raising events etc. But parents evening is crossing a line IMO.

LemonPrism · 19/10/2019 13:20

Over a year is still very new for a relationship. Teenagers have relationships that length. You barely know him.

A step-parent is someone who becomes in loco parentis by marrying your parent. You don't see people with six ex-step dads because they were with their mum for a year or two.

GlitchStitch · 19/10/2019 13:27

Really weird, just had a look at OP's other posts and she was arguing on another thread that a stepmum of 9 years shouldn't get involved in parenting against the mum's wishes and the child already has 2 parents. Then why doesn't that apply to your boyfriend of 5 minutes?

Original poster
WhatTheFluck · 19/10/2019 13:39

Because its different in my situation. My ex cheated and showed our child who came first (He does and his needs.) Ordinarily, I would agree that a step parent does not have the same rights as parents but in my case, it is different .

Think some of these comments are really harsh but that is the reality of posting here I guess

OP posts:
angieloumc · 19/10/2019 13:39

Wow OP, he's your boyfriend, not your partner or your child's 'stepdad'. I can totally understand why your ex isn't happy.
I was married to my DD's dad for nine years and he never once came to my 3 DS's parent evening's even though my XH didn't come to half of them.
You also say you wouldn't be happy with your ex's GF going; it's just the same.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 19/10/2019 13:41

Because its different in my situation. My ex cheated and showed our child who came first (He does and his needs.) Ordinarily, I would agree that a step parent does not have the same rights as parents but in my case, it is different .

Not really, he cheated on you but he has 50/50 care of his child and is still and active and involved parent. Stop making excuses about how it's different for you because it suits your narrative.

Dollymixture22 · 19/10/2019 13:43

Op, your Ex cheating on you is not relevant at all in this situation.

Stop trying to use your child to punish him. Trying to get a very new boyfriend to play daddy isn’t healthy for your child. It is you who is involving your daughter in This mess and putting your needs above hers.

Your child should be even know he cheated, just that you split up.

Have you had any counselling the process your feelings about what happened?

GlitchStitch · 19/10/2019 13:55

Ordinarily, I would agree that a step parent does not have the same rights as parents but in my case, it is different

No it isn't. Your ex may be a cheat but he still has PR and 50% care of his child. Your boyfriend can hardly have even spent much time with your child, let alone already be a parental figure.

Gazelda · 19/10/2019 13:57

Because its different in my situation. My ex cheated and showed our child who came first (He does and his needs.) Ordinarily, I would agree that a step parent does not have the same rights as parents but in my case, it is different .

I'm sorry OP, but I think you are 100% wrong here. Your ex cheated on you. Not his DD. I hope to God that you don't let the poor girl think that her DF has abandoned her, left her down, doesn't love her enough etc. And that you don't expect her to see your boyfriend as a step-dad that has the same rights as her DF in terms of parenting.

Out of interest, do you think ex is a good DF? Hand on heart?

AnneElliott · 19/10/2019 13:57

I don't think your DP should go as he's not a parent - and hasn't been around that long either.

Although I don't have much sympathy for a parent who can't prioritise a parent's evening (what twice a year?) and then wants to lay the law down about who else is going.

Original poster
WhatTheFluck · 19/10/2019 14:02

Someone who priorities their bit on the side over their child does not deserve to be a parent. She meant more to him than we did and the lies and coldness have been astounding on his side.
I think he is a terrible parent.

OP posts:
angieloumc · 19/10/2019 14:02

AnneElliott her ex has their child that's why he isn't going.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 19/10/2019 14:03

Your ex cheated on you and left you. He didn’t cheat on his child or leave the child. The child should have no idea of why you split up apart from a general “ mummy and daddy are happier apart but we both still love you”

He doesn’t stop being your child’s father just because you have split up and you think you have found a better candidate.