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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is she right? Am I selfish ?

220 replies

scissorhans · 17/10/2019 10:17

My girlfriend accused me of being selfish and not putting her priority.
I went to Prague last weekend to a stag. I came home hungover and wiped. I told her I was too wrecked to meet until last night. I went on Friday, came home on Sunday . I met her last Wednesday. Am I being selfish on this? I would understand if she did this.

OP posts:
Starstruck2020 · 19/10/2019 05:51

I think she sounds like she can sense you are maybe not on the same page and is trying to pull you in more in an attempt to hold on to you. Do you think you could be sending her mixed messages?

PrincessPain · 19/10/2019 08:10

One person's needy and clingy is another person's "I love you so much".

^ agree with this.

I wanted to spend almost every minute with DP when we first met.
Hes now my DH and we have 2 beautiful boys together and I still want to spend almost every minute with him 🤷🏻‍♀️
His friends used to laugh and say I was very serious about us, but he was very serious about us too so it wasn't misplaced emotion as we were on the same page.
You can both want different things, both your feelings are legitimate and need to be accepted, but they don't correlate so I think splitting is probably best for both of you. Why waste either of your lives with the wrong person?

Shirl662 · 19/10/2019 08:17

What everyone else said

Shirls22 · 19/10/2019 10:29

Beware most posters on here hate men so expect replies telling you how selfish you are

Seriously? Please do not generalise using your own prejudice as an example, on the contrary most of us do not hate men if we did the human race would have been wiped out years ago

OP it would probably have taken a while to recover from a stag weekend ( Can t say I ve ever been on one but I know how long it took me to recover from my daughters hen weekend) I would probably be more concerned at your girlfriends response and her feeling hard done by. Why is that? Does she have reason not to trust you, does she feel insecure? Is she the jealous type? We all hear stories about what goes on at stag weekends ( just watched Hangover again last weekend.... say no more Grin) Maybe she just needs some reassurance, relationships as we all know are built on trust and clingy behaviour often stems from previous experience or reasons to be distrustful

Hope you get it sorted out Smile

Motoko · 19/10/2019 11:05

@Shirls22
I think we've already established why his gf feels the way she does. He wants a casual relationship, and she wants to settle down. Her behaviour's not "clingy", or "needy", but his stringing her along, is unkind. He should end things, so she's free to find someone who does want to settle down.

Mummyontherocks · 19/10/2019 12:05

I think her point is that when you love someone you can't get enough of them, you want to be with them all the time. So by saying that you aren't really that bothered about seeing her as much as you possibly can, you are saying that you're not really that bothered about her. That doesn't make you selfish though, it means that if she wants someone who loves her that she should be with someone else. However, if you are telling her that you love her and want to be with her all the time then that makes you selfish- just be honest with her and tell her that you're not that bothered.

Singlenotsingle · 19/10/2019 16:04

You can go away for a weekend if you want. And you saw her on Wednesday. She can go away for a weekend if she wants, too. Where's the problem? Not joined at the hip are you? YANBU.

FelicisNox · 19/10/2019 17:22

You're being sparse with the details but you say you've been together a year so I assume there are no kids involved.

The devils in the detail: you say she is always complaining you don't spend enough time with her so this isn't a one time issue over a stag weekend.

Here's the thing. If you genuinely love her you will want to spend time with her, if you're not that fussed then you are in the wrong relationship.

Is she being clingy? It's too hard to tell because we only have your version and very few details.

Examine your feelings and go from there.

ClaudiaSchiffersUglySister · 19/10/2019 17:51

You ARE stringing her along. You’re clearly just not that into her.

My three longest-term relationships were with guys like you.

It seems it’s unacceptable for women to say what they want/need, but perfectly ok for the guy to live like a single person, with the comfort of a keen woman whenever he decides he’s got nothing better to do.

It was me who did the dumping each time, and THEY had the effrontery to be heartbroken. Boo hoo, dickheads.

TypingoftheDead · 19/10/2019 17:51

I don't think you're selfish for wanting things to be a bit more casual than she does, but she's not unreasonable to want to see you more, or to want whatever else she wants with you, either.
I'm not going to assume she wants children or to settle down soon, all I want to say is if you know you don't want the same things she does (whatever those things might be) it might be better to call it a day if you can't agree to compromise, or if she's not happy to wait and see if you feel ready in another year or so - you might never be on the same page as her.
Just be fair to her.

Lovely13 · 19/10/2019 20:31

I don’t think this is a genuine post.

RLABC · 19/10/2019 20:59

@Lovely13 Report it then.

AdviceforMeplease · 19/10/2019 21:08

This sounds like my last relationship. I’m 30 he was 35 and didn’t want to move things forward and would be flakey and blame not seeing me on being hungover. Very good boyfriend in many respects but wasn’t moving things forward with time. This was 18month of seeing each other/being together and I have found it very hard since breaking up and my self esteem has been very low. So please consider ending if you are not convinced she’s the one for you as it’s harsh otherwise. If things were right, you wouldn’t post on here. 🤷🏼‍♀️

AdviceforMeplease · 19/10/2019 21:10

Here here @ClaudiaSchiffersUglySister 👏🏻

Mollpop · 19/10/2019 21:27

You're not being selfish

TanquerayTickles · 19/10/2019 23:11

I don't think you're being selfish at all but I do think you're not as into her as you think. When my Husband and I were dating, after a trip away, hungover or not, we'd be mad to spend the next day together just chilling under a duvet watching films, relaxing and having hungover/lazy sex.

I can't say whether you should finish with her or not but not wanting to see her as soon as you can would ring alarm bells with me. I think you need to decide whether she is really what you want or not. Neither of you are in the wrong, it just seems you want different things.

Summerlovin24 · 20/10/2019 10:45

She needs to get a grip.
The phrase “You are where you want to be” springs to mind. You didn’t want to see her til wed. She has to accept that.
And I am female

Lizzie0869 · 20/10/2019 11:21

I agree with the majority of posters on this thread. You just want different things and are incompatible. I think you should call it a day.

Notfarfromcrazy · 20/10/2019 20:56

I assume between the Sunday and Wednesday night that you also had to work.
I also assume that you were still in contact with her over that period anyway.
As others have said, unless you have a child together there is nothing selfish about your behaviour.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/10/2019 11:42

Tho if went to work then could have said to gf pop round Monday’s evening and have a quick bite to eat but will be going f to bed early as busy tiring weekend

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