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Original poster

Is she right? Am I selfish ?

220 replies

scissorhans · 17/10/2019 10:17

My girlfriend accused me of being selfish and not putting her priority.
I went to Prague last weekend to a stag. I came home hungover and wiped. I told her I was too wrecked to meet until last night. I went on Friday, came home on Sunday . I met her last Wednesday. Am I being selfish on this? I would understand if she did this.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 17/10/2019 11:39

Tbh I would be upset if my boyfriend didn't want to see me for a few days after he came back from a trip away. Even if he was tired, I'd still expect us to just be able to chill together as I'd have missed him.

I wouldn't say you're selfish @scissorhans, just think she's probably hurt that you weren't looking forward to seeing her as soon as possible when you got back.

ExhaustedGrinch · 17/10/2019 11:40

Is she a jealous/suspicious person? Does she have reason to suspect something happened whilst you were away? ie any previous cheating that's gone on?

I think YANBU but I get the feeling she may feel you could be avoiding her out of guilt perhaps. Only saying this because I know how insecure my friends are over their partners going on stag weekends, they're on edge until they come home somehow.

Original poster
scissorhans · 17/10/2019 11:41

I sent messages through weekend.i didn't ring.I am trustworthy but shecab be insecure. It is becoming draining and I am fed up of her wanting the next step followed by the next step.I am not ready for that yet. The selfishness thing is one of many times she said that. She is a priority but I have other priorities too. No kids.

OP posts:
Wonkybanana · 17/10/2019 11:43

She complains about our time together not being enough..

This is what's going on in a nutshell. You and she are on different pages when it comes to this relationship. She wants more commitment, for you to be a couple. To be together more, to do more together rather than having separate lives.

You, I suspect, don't see the need for this level of closeness, are happy with the amount of times you're together and like doing your own thing the rest of the time.

So it's not about selfishness, it's about having an honest conversation about where you both want the relationship to go and what you want it to look like. If it turns out that you both want different things and that the two things are incompatible, then you have to consider whether it's time to call it a day. Nobody's fault, it just couldn't work out.

You're only being selfish if you wouldn't be happy with her doing the same as you, if you go off on a stag but wouldn't want her to go on a hen, if you insist that she sits at home and waits for you to decide you're available to see her and expect her to be there at the drop of a hat.

TwoRedShoes · 17/10/2019 11:43

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2019 11:44

How old are both of you, op?

AutumnRose1 · 17/10/2019 11:44

" I am fed up of her wanting the next step followed by the next step"

I love being single, hence... I am! A lot of people want the next steps. From your phrasing, I sense you need to end this relationship.

Loveislandaddict · 17/10/2019 11:46

I don’t think you are selfish. As long as you kept in touch, then I think it’s fine. Even if you hadn’t seen her to the next weekend, then that wouldn’t have been selfish, unless you didn’t phone her.

Bibidy · 17/10/2019 11:47

It is becoming draining and I am fed up of her wanting the next step followed by the next step.I am not ready for that yet.

That's fair enough, but after a year together it's pretty reasonable for her to want to move things forward, which is where the problem is.

sonjadog · 17/10/2019 11:50

You aren't selfish, but you have mismatched expectations of this relationship. She isn't the one for you. Let her go and find someone who will want equal involvement.

Original poster
scissorhans · 17/10/2019 11:50

She had no reason not to trust me.
I can't say if she is the one. I know that I'm mad about her and she is an amazing girlfriend that always puts me first and we get on very well.To be honest I think she is probably more into the relationship. We were very casual for months as I wasn't sure what I wanted but she put up with me and waited until I got my head together. Since then things are great but Iit is only me who is unwilllung to do stuff as I've other stuff on. Hope I'm not confusing posters.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 17/10/2019 11:50

How old is she? If she wants kids, she needs to not piss her fertile years away on a man, who isn’t ready to commit to her. You’re not the guy for her imo. Let her down gently. Do it now.

AngelsSins · 17/10/2019 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

readingismycardio · 17/10/2019 11:52

Actually, people have different wants and needs. This is not about who is "right", but rather if you two are compatible. This would be too much both for me and my partner. It sounds like you can't give her what she wants and I'd walk away.

AnneKipanki · 17/10/2019 11:52

I can't say if she is the one
That is because she isn't .

HeyNotInMyName · 17/10/2019 11:52

I did not see a problem here but lately she is getting demanding about seeing me and doing things during the week.
I think the word DEMANDING says a lot about your relationship tbh.

I suspect she wants to move the rlationhsip on afetr a year. And you dint so any time that she asks to spend more time together and build the relationhsio, you balk and see that as a demand rather than the natural progression of the relationhsip.
I also noticed the 'I am tired and want to unwind in the evening' wo any comment about how SHE might feel.

I think you want two different things. She wants a relationhsip that moves on and is becoming more serious than you are.
She would be better wo becuse otherwise she is going get evenmore hurt than she is now.

HeyNotInMyName · 17/10/2019 11:56

she is an amazing girlfriend that always puts me first
so she put you first, always and ... do you ever do that to her? Do you put her first (I can see why she thinks you dont btw...)

I dont think you are 'mad about her'. If you were you would be putting her first, the same way that she is.
But of course, it suits you for her to do that (many benefts for you) whilst you dont (which is hurtful to her but gives you the freedom you dnt want to give up)

Pinkblueberry · 17/10/2019 11:57

I don’t think selfish is the right word - but I don’t see why you can’t spend time together just because you’re hungover? Invite her round, watch a film together while you chill/recover. Is that so difficult? Sounds like you’re not that bothered about her.

Ninkaninus · 17/10/2019 11:58

You’re not sure if she’s the one, she’s probably more into the relationship, she always puts you first (hint: that’s not how it should be - you should also sometimes put her first), she wants more and you do not.

It’s time to end this relationship.

NearlyGranny · 17/10/2019 12:00

You put your finger on it when you said she puts you first. You are quite clear that you don't put her first and don't intend to. There is the imbalance that will destroy this relationship.

She wants more, she has been patient and clear and is 'amazing' but not amazing enough for you to match her feelings.

She is looking for 'the one' and thinks she's found him; you are either not sure or not really looking.

I hope you don't let her slip through your fingers while you dither and later regret your loss. If she is ready to commit, she will do so with her next suitable partner and you will have lost her.

I wish you both every happiness, together or apart.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 17/10/2019 12:00

@ scissorhans do you put her first like she puts you first? saying that is is probably more into the relationship then you makes it sound like a unequal relationship. If you are mad about her is there a reason you don't want to spend more time with her or live together? I think a large part of a problem is she wants to take the next step and you don't

Original poster
scissorhans · 17/10/2019 12:07

She is one of my top priorities,but I like to hang out with my friends and do my hobbies and generally relax in my own time too. We are different like that. I can't say I put her first all the time but I do lot of the time. Living in one another's pockets is too claustrophobic a thought for me.I treat her very well.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/10/2019 12:09

Her wish is to move in but I am not ready.

It is becoming draining and I am fed up of her wanting the next step followed by the next step.I am not ready for that yet

I don't think this is really about the stag weekend. You sound as though you're both at completely different stages of the relationship. She wants more... you're not ready to get to where she is.

And that's fine.

But maybe it's time to sit down and have an honest chat about whether it's worth pursuing this relationship - for BOTH of you.

Ninkaninus · 17/10/2019 12:10

You are at two completely different stages of life/want two completely different things. This relationship is no longer viable. You need to let her go.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/10/2019 12:10

You need to tell her that then, you're obviously not compatible in what you're looking for at this moment in time. That's not your fault but atleast lay it all out for her and if she chooses to stay she can't really complain too much about it

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