Is she right? Am I selfish ?

[scissorhans]

My girlfriend accused me of being selfish and not putting her priority.
I went to Prague last weekend to a stag. I came home hungover and wiped. I told her I was too wrecked to meet until last night. I went on Friday, came home on Sunday . I met her last Wednesday. Am I being selfish on this? I would understand if she did this.

I've never been "mad about" someone who I then was happy to not see for a week or more. And ditto any man who claimed to be "mad about me" I'd expect to want to see me.

I said it earlier but all your updates just make it clear that you're not interested. And you say that you think she's great because she puts you first but it's clear you're not EVER doing that. For example, knowing that she would feel that you don't spend enough time with her, a compromise for you post stag weekend could have been to see her Tuesday. NO ONE needs three nights (Sunday, Monday and Tuesday) to recover. Also, on Monday and Tuesday did you go to work and come straight home to chill or did you perhaps meet a friend for a drink/go to the gym/do some other type of activity? Because I think it's unlikely that you were simply so wiped out you staggered home and then went to bed three nights in a row.

Do you even like her? You've been together for a year and see each other twice a week and you met her 3 days after you got back from holiday.
Her friend would be telling her - he's just not that into you.

Not being funny but unless you're your early 20s, please don't waste her time.

Sounds like you aren't as into her as you claim to be. I'm not attacking you here, just being honest.

Not wanting to move in is one thing but not having seen her for a whole week and missing your usual weekend together should mean that you are keen to see her asap when you get home. Leaving it until Wednesday suggests that you aren't that bothered. That's perfectly fine but if she is that bothered then it may be a sign that the relationship isn't going to work long-term. It sounds like you've come to a crossroads here and you need to decide if you both want the same thing.

Don't mistake him liking you, liking having you around, and not actively wanting to piss you off right now for love and commitment. Very probably he does like you very much. He enjoys sex with you and enjoys your company. He doesn't want you to go anywhere (before he's done with you). He may even want the best for you in an abstract kind of way (as long as it doesn't damage his interests). But is that love? Not to me.

He's happily biding his time and wasting yours. Unfortunately women have much less time to waste than men, and they don't care that they're wasting their partners fertile years on something that's entertaining enough to them for the time being.

Both of the above comments are from threads that appeared here earlier in the week, I copied them as a reminder for myself and also sent them to a friend in a difficult situation currently, do this woman a favour and forward them on to her and let her go.

I'm sure you're a good guy, however I do see a lot of immaturity in things you've said. You've been together a year, and if she were "the one" you would KNOW it. You really are stringing her along, and I'm willing to bet she's being delusional, like so many women are, that you will change your mind, definitely want to get engaged, married, etc, etc, only to be dumped years down the line, and her chance to have a marriage and children are gone.

If you wanted to be with her forever, you would know it by now. Cut her loose and let her move on with someone who wants the same things as she does.

Instead of posting here., talk to your girlfriend there is more than this one issue going on. One incident doesn't usually illict a query here It may be you want an excuse to end the relationship. I o f course understand that I do not have all the info. Generally if you care about people you want them to have fun(on her side) and also do not want to cause distress (from your side)

My Dh and I were together for 8 years before we moved in together... admittedly we met early twenties...

So you met early 20s, moved in after 8 years when you'd have been what, around 30? See the difference? It's not the length of time you're with someone necessarily, often it's more the age that you're at. If you meet at 29 and wait 8 years, you're 37. If you're female that means your fertility is falling fast, as are your chances of having a healthy child. Plus, you're older, you know more about what you want from life and what relationships will work. She's not ridiculous, she just knows what she wants.

No, she sounds tedious and needy.

Each person has the right to spend exactly the amount of time they want to with their bf/gf. My BFF is in your situation, where her bf wants to be with her 24/7 and she's 'good' with a couple of times a week + a day on the weekend. He finds reasons to show up uninvited, calls/texts incessantly. He'd move in tomorrow if she'd agree. He's really a good guy, she loves his company. But he's just way ahead of her in their 'journey'. He's smothering her and he won't listen to her. He thinks the more he inserts himself in her life the more she'll want him there. She's thisclose to cutting him loose because she can't handle his constant neediness and she refuses to force herself to feel more than she does.

You're entitled to want the relationship you want. So is she. If you aren't on the same page then you need to be perfectly honest with her and tell her she needs to back up a little bit. It will be her choice whether she wants to wait and see with you or chooses to move on and try to find someone who wants the same things she does.

I really hope you're taking this in, it's given you food for thought, and that you do the right thing and let her go.

You are NOT "mad" about her, or you'd want to spend more time with her. Being away from her, would feel like agony, and you would know by now, that you want to spend the rest of your life with her.

If you don't gently set her free, then yes, you ARE being totally selfish, only out for what you can get.

Do the right thing and break up with her. You're really NOT the one for her and you’re inadvertently stringing her along. It’s clear from how you talk about her & your relationship. You might not see it until you do meet ‘the right one’ then you’ll realise how clear it was that she wasn’t the one.

Thanks. I am astounded that posters think I would deliberately hurt her to keep her on a string. This has given me food for thought however. My mates who are in heavy relationships spend more time with their girlfriends the. I do but they have wanted to get married and have kids for years. Never me though. I don't want that timeline pressure .I hate feeling pressure about anything and it turns me off. I need to talk to her .A poster called or s crossroads and that is what it is.
Thanks

Hi OP

I met my husband when we were 23. We didn't move in for a couple of years- I just wasnt ready, he asked me if I wanted to before then and I didnt want to, I was just starting out in my career and liked living next to work and friends and he lived at least a 30 minute drive away.

It worked though because we were both on the same page. We both agreed that we eventually wanted to live together for 6 months then buy a house together somewhere else, we weren't sure whether we wanted kids but thought we might when we had established careers etc. We were both sure what would be happening just not quite sure when.

At 30 though I can see where she is coming from. If she knows for sure she doesnt want children then it's less pressure but even if she isn't sure, a whole extra year to wait for someone who then still wont be sure if they are ready, is cutting out quite a high proportion of the chance she is going to be able to have children (given medical advice is to start before 35). That's quite a big thing you're asking her to do.

To be honest you say you're mad about her, but not mad enough to actually make up your mind (and most people know whether they want a long term relationship with someone within a year) - what do you think is going to change or what are you going to find out about her in the next year that's going to sway your decision one way or the other? You're not desperate to see her after a week apart, you don't enjoy seeing her enough to sacrifice any time on hobbies or friends, you think that she may be unreasonable for asking 'for the next step and the next step' which is what most long term relationships do.

Basically you want to 'date' her long term, but havent told her this. You like your own space, friends, house and hobbies which is fine but if you don't want to change your lifestyle to make room for someone else then maybe you should be clearer with her what you do want.

You want a girlfriend, she wants a future partner. If you dont know if you'll ever be there then just let her go. I've never heard of anyone man or woman who hasn't been sure for a few years and then suddenly decided they did want to settle down with their partner and it's all been fine...

She's not the one. Don't waste her time, you are hurting her more by taking away her fertile years from her.

You know what the one looks like? You don't need to wait, you want to start life together right now. You are stalling by saying you might be ready in a year, but you can't tell us for what you need this year, what needs to change to be ready. So it's basically just bullshit to tag her along.

I hate pressure
Lots of blokes hate pressure. Then after a few years when all their friends have kids and the one or two who don’t start to feel left out, they usually settle down. Sounds like you’re just not at that stage yet.

I dislike this idea of women being needy. Everyone has needs she needs something from a relationship you aren't willing to give and that's fine but I then you realise this and move on. Don't go flogging a dead horse as it will make both of you miserable

@scissorhans you just have to realise women do have timeline pressure if they want to have children. We have a time limit on that, men don't. Glad you actually listened to people on the thread though, best of luck to you both

Why do you have to get hung over and wiped to have a good time? A bit adolescent, isn't it?

Why do you have to get hung over and wiped to have a good time? A bit adolescent, isn't it?

🤣😂 You're being ridiculous.

Just seen your update. I totally understand you dont want pressure and I see it with my friends - the more someone pushes them then the more they pull away.

But you cant ignore biology because it's a fact is that after 35 the chances of getting pregnant or having a healthy baby fall dramatically. And unless both of you have had your fertility tested and know you're both fine, you wont know whether you're one of the lucky ones who has kids no problems or one the ones who spends thousands of pounds and put intense pressure on your relationship trying to get pregnant when you might not have had to do that earlier.

I say that as someone who got pregnant immediately both times at 33 and 37. I felt young the first time. But I am 40 next year and will have a toddler and its fucking gruelling to be honest. Most of my friends had kids at similar ages and my best friend had a stillbirth at 36. Fortunately she then managed to have 2 healthy children very shortly afterwards but she has said she always wonders whether her age was a factor and wishes they hadn't fucked about for 15 years first (they didnt fuck about they travelled the world and had an amazing time but still). My husband has two good friends, both of whom weren't ready for relationships and children for ages and ages despite being with their partners for years. They eventually started trying for children and had fertility issues and its absolutely ripped their relationships apart. They may have had issues anyway but in both cases the woman really resents the man as their 'I'm not sure I'm ready' attitude and resultant waiting for years until they were ready has probably caused the woman to be childless. If they had known their partners wouldn't have been ready til they were almost 40 then they may have ended the relationship. They may not have but at least it would have been an informed decision

All very well for you to hate pressure but she can’t change biology for you. It’s beyond selfishness to think that you not liking pressure should mean she risks never having children.
You’re obviously not really mad about her. If you were you’d want to see her. And I think the thing about not being ready blah blah is immature , or at the very least means you are better suited for dating women in their early 20s or who don’t want dc.

cordeliavorkosigan is spot on. Do the right thing and end the relationship.

I don`t think you were being selfish,but I do think you both need to talk or walk.

This is just a stag do trip.and you are surely entitled to go and enjoy it. You don't have to be glued together all the time in relationships. You are not selfish at all,and hope that your girlfriend isn't the controlling type,as that would be bad news.

Thanks for replies . I have read all
Replies and take all your points.