Is she right? Am I selfish ?

[scissorhans]

My girlfriend accused me of being selfish and not putting her priority.
I went to Prague last weekend to a stag. I came home hungover and wiped. I told her I was too wrecked to meet until last night. I went on Friday, came home on Sunday . I met her last Wednesday. Am I being selfish on this? I would understand if she did this.

Do you live near enough to each other that you could do one week on, one week off (with a ‘date night’ mid-week in the off week)?

That might be a good way for you to listen to her and give her more of what she’s asking for, without jumping straight into living together.

I think you also need to grow up a little and say to her straight out that you need one more year (not a year ‘or more’) and after that if you’re still not ready then it’s not going to happen and you can part ways.

I know I am mad about her

You really don't sound as though you're mad about her. You sound as though you like her and enjoy spending time with her, but the way you talk about your relationship is fairly lukewarm. I can see why you want to keep the relationship going (it suits you for the moment) but that isn't fair on her.

I've had to end relationships where they were mad about me but I just didn't feel the same about them and deep down, knew I never would. Hurting them like that felt awful but I knew it was the right thing for both of us.

I'm remembering back to when I met DP. He went to Octoberfest, so that was 3/4 months after we met and he came straight to my flat with a heart shaped gingerbread with 'I love you' written on it.

I can't help but think you don't sound that keen if, after being away, you can hang on a few days before seeing her.

This isn't just about this weekend either. I think in general she wants to spend more time with you.

You need to split.

At 30 it's more likely to know where you're going.

She does, you don't. Stop wasting her time

If she’s 30 she really doesn’t have a lot of time if she does want to have children.

If she is sure she wants to wait to see where this is going, is that selfish of me to stay in the relationship?

No, as long as you are clear with her that you MAY be ready to move in in another year, but you can't guarantee that. She's putting pressure on you now to spend more time together as a couple and you don't want that - which is fine - but she's ready now and you're not. The pressure she's putting on you now isn't going to get any better - it will get worse - because she's ready for that next stop and she wants you to get on with it and be ready too. The problem here really is that you're the same age and that makes things unequal, because for a 30-year-old guy there is no hurry to commit. You can faff around for five years, if you want, and it won't hurt your chances of having a family. For a woman staring 30 in the face, it's different. She's doing her sums ... a year to live together, a year or two to be engaged, get married when she's 33 ... first baby at 34? Second at 37? I guarantee that if she wants kids she's done those sums.

If you’re “not ready” to move in after a year and wasn’t looking forward to seeing her ( with a nice duty free bottle of perfume etc) then that is the problem, I wouldn’t label it selfish , your just not that into her

Has she spoken to you about wanting children?

At 30, her fertility will soon start to decline and it's really not fair to keep her hanging on for another year in case you 'might' be ready to move in together.

If you care about her, sit down and have a really honest conversation with her about both of your life goals. If you're not ready, she needs to know this. Then it's up to her to decide if she wants to wait for you to make your mind up, or if she wants to continue and see where it goes.

"Cutting her free' takes this decision and option away from her.

She's 30 and doesn't want to 'wait and see'.
It's going to come to a point soon where she's going to give you an ultimatum.

You are wasting her time - when you meet someone you are genuinely mad about you will not risk her getting bored of waiting for you to commit

YANBU - If i was away for a long weekend (stag do or not) I would be shattered and need at least a day to cool down and sort things out. She sounds a bit needy and might of been jealous if you went for a stag do ... it's selfish of her to demand all your time.

After a year my DP went away for about the same amount of time. He literally came straight from the airport to my door as he had missed me so much. I didn't expect that, but if he had waited three days I may have been a bit hurt.

Honestly, you need to end it. You took a while to decide if you want a relationship and you are happy as you are. She isn't. She is 30 and probably wants to settle down with a view to having children in the next five years. You aren't at the same stage, which is okay, but you have to be clear about this with her and that you may never be able to give her the type of relationship she is looking for.

I was fine with the type of relationship you want in my 20s, but once I hit 30 that changed. I was aware of my friends settling down and fertility windows and all of that jazz. Most of my friends were the same. You may find dating women in their 30s will be different and many will be focused on settling down. It may be worth keeping this in mind and either dating someone younger or making it clear you are looking for something casual from the start.

she is an amazing girlfriend that always puts me first and we get on very well.To be honest I think she is probably more into the relationship

Do her a favour and move on. You're not bothered about seeing her and she wants more from you than you're willing to give, so just set her free to find someone who can give as much as she does.

My DP often travels for work, its unavoidable, but he will make the effort to come and see me as soon as possible after he gets back, even if only for a cup of tea and a hug, as he misses me as much as I miss him.

You will find someone who makes you feel the way she feels, desperate to spend time with her, wanting to move on to the next step etc. Sadly for her, its not her. Lets hope when you meet the one that makes you want to spend your free time with her that she feels the same way!

You haven't even been in a serious relationsip for a year yet so no I don't think you're stringing her along, I think it would be too soon to move in together at this stage. I'd give it another year if both willing and then make a decision.

You are being incredibly selfish. End the relationship and let her find someone who actually loves her, you clearly don’t.

She's already hung around waiting for you to get your head together, now you expect her to hang around for at least another year in case you feel like living together. Christ - every stage is going to be slow and painful with her wanting more and feeling increasingly crap about herself.

You only 'like' her. End this and let her find someone who will love her and not drag out every stage of the relationship. You will never be on the same page. So yes, you are selfish for staying in a relationship that suits your needs, and ignores hers. Go find someone who wants a part time boyfriend. That will be the right relationship for you.

If she is sure she wants to wait to see where this is going, is that selfish of me to stay in the relationship ? Do I cut loose ?

Yes, if you're not sure she's the one, cut her loose. These are her fertile years, she will be aware of her window to settle down, get married, have children etc. and it's just not the same for men.

Its all very funny to take the piss about women trying to tie down their poor man when he just wants to 'chill to and see what happens' but men don't have the same pressure to fit their life into a short window of opportunity.

We're only too well aware that once we hit 30 our chances of conceiving and carrying a healthy baby start reducing by the day. Did you know that a woman over 35 is called a geriatric mother?!

Imagine being faced with the knowledge that if you don't settle down and start a family in the next few years you're more likely to suffer complications, miscarriage etc and your baby has a higher chance of congenital abnormalities like Downs Syndrome etc.

This is why women are generally more keen to move things along, its not because we're desperate to tie you down against your will, its because if we want a family we need you to commit - shit or get off the pot, as the saying goes. Sounds like you're not ready to shit, so get off the pot and let someone else have a turn!

72 hours to recover from a night out? Do you have underlying health issues?

Don’t worry - I certainly don’t hate men! And yes, I regularly get slated and told I’m facilitating abusers, paedophiles (because I said I understood why an adult male fancied 18 year olds), etc. Oh and I’m really bad because I think abortion is pretty awful and best avoided if poss. Anyhow 😂 sure I’ll give you an honest and unbiased opinion.

If I were your girlfriend, I think I’d have wanted to see you when you got back. I’m a bit sentimental lie that (‘oh! You’ve been away! I missed you! You’re back safe and sound from a potentially perilous stag weekend! (We’ve all seen The Hangover’ ...) Let me come and show you how much I love you!’) ... and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only woman (or indeed man) who feels like this.

I don’t think you’ve been selfish by not seeing her till you’d fully recovered and had time on Weds. I think you’ve been a bit thick about how she feels. Possibly because you had such a bad hangover. ... basically you’ve hurt her feelings.

I think you should say sorry, explain you’re an idiot but didn’t mean anything by it, and make it up to her. Hopefully she’ll understand.

Daenerys77 no I think he just drank a hell of a lot?

72 hours to recover from a night out? Do you have underlying health issues?

It was a trip to Prague, not just a night out. I would want a while on my own after that, partly because I'm very introverted. That said, I'd want to see my DP more than I'd want to be on my own. My introversion means I need time away from people to recharge, but my DP isn't "people" and I can recharge my batteries as well when he's there as when he's not.

She is ridiculous. My Dh and I were together for 8 years before we moved in together... admittedly we met early twenties... but we only ever saw each other for most of that time, one night in the week one or two nights at the weekend, depending on our plans. Less in the first couple of years. It was not unusual to not see each other for over a week or go away with friends. It takes a few days to recover from a stag do and you don't need to live in each other's pockets to be committed to the relationship. Of course you don't know where it's all heading... you've only been together a year. What's the rush? You're still getting the I know each other and should be having fun together and apart. Not living in each others pockets and analysing every part of your relationship!

She is not ridiculous to want what she wants out of a relationship. If that’s too much for one party then that party needs to man up and end the relationship. What’s right for two individuals in one relationship has no relevance at all to what’s right for her.

@itshappened early twenties makes the difference there tbf at 30, the rush is probably biological clocks ticking, I'd imagine

So you usually see each other during the week and stay. And stay at weekends but want own space

There is no rule that says you must move in after a year

Tho she is prob thinking you are the one and wants commitment