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Original poster

Is she right? Am I selfish ?

220 replies

scissorhans · 17/10/2019 10:17

My girlfriend accused me of being selfish and not putting her priority.
I went to Prague last weekend to a stag. I came home hungover and wiped. I told her I was too wrecked to meet until last night. I went on Friday, came home on Sunday . I met her last Wednesday. Am I being selfish on this? I would understand if she did this.

OP posts:
ddl1 · 17/10/2019 12:11

If it happens regularly, yes. If it's only occasionally, then, no, I don't think so.

SprinkleDash · 17/10/2019 12:12

@scissorhans of course you are not being unreasonable. Both my DH and understand if the other needs a rest after a trip, we often do and leave the other one to it.

KatherineJaneway · 17/10/2019 12:13

It boils down to this: you're on different pages in what you want. She's ready to go to the next level and you clearly aren't. I think you need to sit down and have a talk about future plans so she knows where she stands and you know where she stands.

everytimerickysayscuntIlaugh · 17/10/2019 12:16

She wants more and you don't. You're not that into her. Be honest with her and let her find someone who wants the same things.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 17/10/2019 12:17

This isn't about the stag weekend - it's about you being incompatible. She wants more out of the relationship than you are willing to give and that's fine - but you need to let her know this. If you have, and she's still pursuing it, I'd suggest ending the relationship because you both need to find something that fits in your lives comfortably, rather than one person wanting more than the other can give.

Sounds as if you're young and just want to live a bit - maybe she wants to settle. Either way, it doesn't sound like you're on the same page.

Ninkaninus · 17/10/2019 12:19

OP won’t do that though, will he. Because she’s AMAZING (but he’s not that into her, really). In other words he gets to have sex a couple of times a week and have someone to be cosy with when he can be bothered.

HeyNotInMyName · 17/10/2019 12:19

I treat her very well
But thats not how it feels to her.
To her you are prioritising your firends and your life as a single man over her.

I think you only have two options:

  • you have chat, step up and starting taking what is important to her into account which migt allow her to relax more. Maybe have a chat about moving together etc etc/
OR
  • you move on and let her go despite the fact 'you are mad about her' because it isnt fair on her to treat her in that way when you KNOW it is HURTING HER. Regardless of whether you think it is right or not. Or anyone else btw.
HeyNotInMyName · 17/10/2019 12:21

@Ninkaninus, I am more and more getting the feeling that you are right.
Wanting his cake and eat it despite the fact he KNOWS that behaviour is HURTFUL TO HER.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/10/2019 12:22

Selfish is a broad term.
What does she mean by selfish..It's kind of vague and therefore its easy to say.. of course I'm not. but for example when she says that does she mean : spending holiday time on a stag week, spending a large amount of cash so you will be broke when you get home. Did the stag week put other plans out of the question? is it that you prioritise your other activities and she has to squeeze into your schedule. Has she given up other activities to fit into your schedule, or see you? Are you meetings very brief? Or does she mean that having put you first on several occasions its not equal.
What do you mean by selfish?
It does sound like you want very different things. You should talk to her and see if you can find some common ground, or at least tell her that you are not at the same point in the relationship and give her a chance to move on to someone who does want to spend a lot of time with her.

Original poster
scissorhans · 17/10/2019 12:24

Ido like her and think that we could have a future together but not so fast. I don't want to lose her but it may be a year or more before I am ready for this. I have said this and I've told her hat I'm not stringing her along , I am not ready right now. I worry that she pins all her hopes on me and that I won't deliver because I didn't not know how I will feel in a year. But I think I might be ready in a year.

OP posts:
cheesydoesit · 17/10/2019 12:26

You won't. I had a boyfriend like you, he kept messing me about throughout my twenties. Please don't waste her time.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/10/2019 12:27

But I think I might be ready in a year

But if you're not, you've just wasted a year of her life. You looking at this being all about you, and it's not. Her hopes and dreams are valid too.

I don't think she's the one for you, so please don't use her as a placeholder until 'The One' comes along. That's not fair on anyone.

everytimerickysayscuntIlaugh · 17/10/2019 12:29

How old are you? You're wasting her time. 'Might be ready but don't know'. Why do you think you're entitled to waste another 2 years of her life while you decide if you might like her enough?

Damntheman · 17/10/2019 12:32

You were too hungover to see anyone between sunday and wednesday? Or you were too busy, that would make a difference to me with the latter being more acceptable. But I'd have thought after a year of dating you might see each other more often than a couple of times a week? Are you that into this relationship?

Vanhi · 17/10/2019 12:35

most posters on here hate men

Many posters on MN are very aware of how badly women are treated and just how misogynistic and patriarchal society can be. That's not the same thing as hating men, although some people get confused and think it is.

I agree with PP - it just sounds as if you two are incompatible. My DP has sole custody for his secondary school aged DD. This really limits the time he has for me. I don't have a problem with this and knew it at the outset. I'm nearing 50, I have different expectations from a relationship to those I had 25 years ago. If your girlfriend is 20s/ 30s and thinking about marrying and having kids, which is perfectly reasonable, she will want more from you than weekly contact.

As PP have said, there's nothing wrong with what either of you want, but it may be very different. You have to sit down, be honest with each other and work out if you're compatible. The trouble with "I might want this next year" is that the years turn into decades, and so much time can be wasted with the wrong person.

Damntheman · 17/10/2019 12:36

Ah updates have made it clear. You're just not compatible. Don't mess her around with all the 'I might be ready in a year' bullshit. If she was the one you'd know it by now after 12 months together. You're just not that into her and stringing her along (which yes you ARE doing) is cruel when she wants more from a relationship. Are you being selfish? Probably not intentionally, but you're not thinking about her and how your actions affect her enough I suspect.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/10/2019 12:37

Ido like her and think that we could have a future together but not so fast. I don't want to lose her but it may be a year or more before I am ready for this. I have said this and I've told her hat I'm not stringing her along

ahhh ok, you do really sound like you're stringing her along now tbh. You're telling her to hang around and you will probably be ready in a year or whatever, don't be a dick, let her go and yeah I think she is right now you've said that, you are selfish

AnneKipanki · 17/10/2019 12:37

it may be a year or more before I am ready for this
it will be or more. Set this girl free .

PinkCrayon · 17/10/2019 12:39

I don't think you are selfish but I do think it could be that you aren't that into her and she wants more?

sonjadog · 17/10/2019 12:42

Nah, I don't think you will be ready in a year. If you were ready, you would know it now. Even if you are busy, independent, etc. you would still know. You are trying to persuade yourself that this could be the one for you because she is a nice person and really into you and it is good having her around.

In any case, she isn't going to suddenly change what she wants and back off and give you lots of space for a year and then be keen. She is going to continue getting upset and become more unhappy and your relationship will turn toxic.

Let her go and if in a year you are right for each other, you can get back together then. Or what is more likely, is that you will both meet other people who are more compatible with you.

Original poster
scissorhans · 17/10/2019 12:42

I would not hurt her on purpose. Many of you have said we are at different stages and I think you are spot on . I do not want to mess her around but I can't predict where this we are going. I know that I am
Not ready for moving in together yet but I know O am mad about her.That is all I know for Sure at the moment.
If she is sure she wants to wait to see where this is going, is that selfish of me to stay in the relationship ? Do I cut loose ?

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 17/10/2019 12:44

How old are you both ?

So been together a year

Do you stay at each other’s at all ?

If you hadn’t seen her for a week then yes would have been nice to see her when got back - even for 30mins - quick catch up and cuddle and then see each other wed

Damntheman · 17/10/2019 12:50

You're mad about her and yet also totally cool with not seeing her for a full week? Doesn't sound 'mad about her' to me, and that's ok OP. Sometimes a relationship isn't what we thought it was.

Original poster
scissorhans · 17/10/2019 12:51

We stay at each other's a couple of nights in the week and a night at the weekend . We are both 30 this year .

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 17/10/2019 12:52

If she is sure she wants to wait to see where this is going, is that selfish of me to stay in the relationship ? Do I cut loose ?

Yeah it is because you're stringing her along, you need to add "I may never be ready to take the next step with you" and see what she thinks then because you may not ever be ready

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