Is she right? Am I selfish ?

[scissorhans]

My girlfriend accused me of being selfish and not putting her priority.
I went to Prague last weekend to a stag. I came home hungover and wiped. I told her I was too wrecked to meet until last night. I went on Friday, came home on Sunday . I met her last Wednesday. Am I being selfish on this? I would understand if she did this.

You’re stringing her along with the ‘not yet, maybe in a year’ shtick. And you’re not ‘mad about her’. You just kind of like having her around a few times a week when it doesn’t clash with other plans.

This trip has just flagged up for her the fact that she’s an option rather than a priority for you. Do the right thing and end it.

You also sound as if you have as much self-knowledge as a brick.

Did you miss her when you didn't see her for the week? Sounds like communication is lacking in this relationship. My boyfriend and I don't see each other for one or two weeks at a time due to distance, and I feel he prioritises time with me, and I with him. Sometimes one of us has plans with friends / children at the weekend which means we can't meet up, but he will send me soppy messages and say how he can't wait to see me. So we don't feel that awful imbalance of one person doing all the "missing" and the other coasting along.

Christ you sound like my ex. End it! You are clearly not in the same place as each other. It sounds like she wants something serious and you want to take it much slower. My ex and I carried on like you are for 2 years, just get out now and let her meet someone who ww the same things

I agree that at 30, she probably wants to settle down, ie move in together. If that is not what you want, then you are at different stages of your life and you do need to let her go so that she can find somebody to share her life with.

You are entitled to hobbies and friends of course, but compromises have to be made sometimes when you are a couple or have a family and it doesn't sound like you are ready to change your life in any way to be with her.

So let her go, let her find somebody to settle down with, start a family what ever it is that she wants and you don't. Don't keep stringing her along with "I don't know how I will feel in a year".

Haven’t read the whole thread.

I fell out with my dp at the weekend for similar, though I had planned to do things with him before he had planned to get plastered with his mates, at least your girlfriend knew you were likely to be hung over but I can see why she’s a bit annoyed and why she thinks your not putting much effort in to see her. I’m sure she will forgive you eventually, she’s probably just a little pissed off with you right now.

You sound quite lovely, but absolutely not ready to settle down. That's okay. Only you will know when the time is right - and the person. She is not that person. Sad as that is, she isn't. How do I know? Because when it is the right person - certainly in the first weeks, months, years, hopefully forever - a week away feels like a lifetime. I could not wait to see/hear/touch my now DH. It felt like an eternity between seeing each other. Constantly in my thoughts on my mind. If you are not feeling that now, trust me, it won't feel like that in a year or two or five.

Someone is out there for this amazing lady - let her go. Please. It will hurt now, but she is ready and you are not. Yet. When you are, you won't have to ask.

Best of luck - you sound like a nice guy.

She’s only going to get worse OP.

You’ve done nothing wrong. She sounds bloody needy.

That’s exactly why she’s your girlfriend and not wife! When you’re wiped a lady can really help take care of ya!
You’re not in the wrong to not want to hang out though. I often feel emotionally drained and don’t want to hang out with anybody but my husband

I was like your girlfriend in a relationship once. Wanted my lovely boyfriend to prioritise me above friends and hobbies, and hurt when he didn’t.

He didn’t love me, i see that now. He was a lovely, kind person but he didn’t feel the need to see me all the time, and he didn’t miss me desperately when we were apart. Not his fault, not mine.

We broke up, he married someone else. He rushes home to heR.

You are not being selfish ... she should understand after a stag ....yes maybe a few extra text would help ... but she needs to give and take ...clingy people r hard work ... and then there is possibly an insecurity ... maybe reassure her she is still ur world ...but she needs to understand... good luck

@scissorhans

My girlfriend accused me of being selfish and not putting her priority. I went to Prague last weekend to a stag. I came home hungover and wiped. I told her I was too wrecked to meet until last night. I went on Friday, came home on Sunday . I met her last Wednesday. Am I being selfish on this? I would understand if she did this.

You clearly need to sit down and talk. You both want different things from your relationship. A year is a bit of a commitment... clearly more on her part than yours. You NEED to talk.

It depends on how you are the crest of the time. Sounds as if she wants more of your time, so maybe you are not right for each other.

I'd just tell her that your not in love with her and that you just want a very casual relationship with her and that's it.Just tell her the way it is.
She is absolutely wasting her time on you if she wants marriage and kids etc. You need to be honest with her, its not fair on her to be dangling and hoping for a future that isn't going to happen.

I think you would be selfish to continue a relationship with her. You weren’t selfish for the stag do thing, but it seems like that to her as she’s more committed than you. I think she’s very into you and believes you are ‘the one’. It’s going to be you who has to break it off. She’ll probably say that she’ll give you space and all the things you want to hear, because she won’t want to break up. However, in her heart she won’t really believe this, she’ll just hope you’ll come around and if you don’t in s year, or two, she’ll resent you and it will be like a merry go round, you pulling away because she’s pressuring you, her resenting you because you don’t feel the same. Time will be passing and eventually there will be irreparable bitterness in your relationship. Or you will come round and you’ll move in, marriage, children etc...who knows??

The crux of the matter is that you’re both 30, still young, but not kids anymore and you are at different stages in your life. IMO the kindest thing to do would be to end it with her. Sometimes this is the wake up call people need and they end up realising what they lost and get back together and commit, or they go their separate ways and meet other people. I spent years with someone and even ended up getting married to them because it seemed the right thing to do. They never really felt like ‘the one’, although I loved him very much. The marriage barely lasted two years and he got very hurt. I should have split up with him years before, but I didn’t. Luckily this was in my twenties and I was young enough to move on, have a child and meet my now partner. If you carry on for a year and are ready to move in, then the next conversation is likely to be kids, marriage, mortgages etc. If that totally scares the shit out of you and is not something you see, or see in the very, very distant future, then as the cliché says ‘if you love her, let her go.’

It's you with the weird text spacing and punctuation again. Go away

I don't think you're being selfish. I'm shocked though. If my boyfriend had gone away for a week I would probably want to see him soon after he got back. I get the hangover and feeling wiped but 3 days seems a long time. Did you go back to work before then? Could have just invited her round for take out and a movie.
The first year is the best bit I'm surprised you weren't racing round there to see her. I don't think she's clingy either but maybe your balance (as a couple) is off? I would say this scenario is very personal to your relationship and what is normal for you as a couple. 10 days would have been too long for me and my bf. 12 years later and 10 days wouldn't be long enough

Some questions: how old are you? How far away from each other do you live?

As previous posters have said, it sounds like you want different things from your relationship. It seems to me if you were that bothered you would want to see her, even if she came to you to sit on the sofa, chat about the weekend and just be together. The fact that she’s not what you need to help you recover suggests that the relationship is more effort that you thinks its worth.

She’s only going to get worse OP.
You’ve done nothing wrong. She sounds bloody needy.

Perhaps you should read the rest of the thread. She's not "needy", she's just ready to settle down, as she's 30. Time is running out. And he doesn't know if he'll ever want more than a casual relationship, so it would be wrong of him to string her along.

Sorry, just seen your age.

You’re not selfish, but she is equally not wrong to want something more settled and serious. However, the whole prevailing narrative on this thread just indicates that many people aren’t actually that open minded when it comes to relationships.

We don’t even know if OP’s gf wants children. This whole concept of ‘settling down’ and ‘the one’ and lifelong partnerships is only ONE way of doing things, and not the ‘best’ or only ‘correct’ way. What is wrong with just being together while it feels good and going your separate ways when it no longer feels right? How can anyone guarantee they’ll feel the same about one person forever?

Obviously the OP and gf have different priorities and for that reason I agree they’re incompatible but I really disagree with the comments suggesting OP is somehow immature or defective. Not everyone is aiming for or even believes in the one’ or the concept of one person above all others forever. I personally don’t think it’s realistic, marriage and monogamy is a social construct and if OP wants more casual, non-cohabiting relationships indefinitely that is not a failing or a problem providing the partner is on the same page. She clearly isn’t, though, and I can’t see that this will go anywhere except you inadvertently upsetting her even more so agree it may be time to part.

I'd be getting you down the STD clinic as you've probably been shagging all weekend.

let her go. If you were really mad about her and in love with her, you would want to put her first like she does to you. You would have wanted to see her the moment you were back.

You put yourself and your needs first, when you love someone you think of them first.

You want different things and you are wasting her fertile years.

I agree that you are NBU but that she wants more commitment. I think that perhaps for a woman of almost 30, this may be more important than for a man of the same age. I can't place your accent btw, does the name suggest you may be German? 🙂

I don’t think the relationship is in the dire state that some are saying it is. I was with my DH for much longer than a year before I knew whether I wanted to marry him. It’s not unreasonable that you don’t know straight away what you want. That said, you should be mindful of the fact she’s in a different place to you and be honest with her and yourself going forward.

IMHO I don’t think she is necessarily clingy for wanting to see you before Wednesday and it is a bit lame that it took you that long to recover and go see her.