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Original poster

Is she right? Am I selfish ?

220 replies

scissorhans · 17/10/2019 10:17

My girlfriend accused me of being selfish and not putting her priority.
I went to Prague last weekend to a stag. I came home hungover and wiped. I told her I was too wrecked to meet until last night. I went on Friday, came home on Sunday . I met her last Wednesday. Am I being selfish on this? I would understand if she did this.

OP posts:
Motoko · 17/10/2019 16:07

Do the right thing. And in future, just stick with casual relationships until you know you're ready for long term commitment.

phoenixrosehere · 17/10/2019 16:28

I sent messages through weekend

That alone says volumes in a world where Facebook Messenger and Skype exists. If you were several time zones away, I’d understand but you couldn’t find a moment to do a quick Skype call? Did you not have WiFi?

Anyway, you need to figure out what you want and despite how “mad” you are about her it is a bit unreasonable to make her wait another year to figure it out. If you don’t know after a year of being together, and not sure you’ll know after two years, then you’re not as “mad” about her as you are trying to make yourself believe. I did a quick scan of this thread and nowhere have you said that you are in love with her or even mention the word love about her. Do you love her? Can you picture a future with her? How does the thought make you feel? Figure that out before you talk to her. If you don’t love her, then let her go so she can find someone who will and wants the same things as her.

BrokenWing · 17/10/2019 16:45

If you are both 30 and don't know for sure I'd be very worried about stringing her along. If you eventually decide it is not for you it could be the difference of a future with children or not for her.

Just because you move in together doesn't mean you stop getting to chill/wind down in the evening or going out to see your mates.

IWillLockYouIn · 17/10/2019 16:48

You might you think you'll be ready in a year. Not 100% convincing! Let her go.

Paintmynails · 17/10/2019 16:49

Stop stringing her along and let her find someone who actually wants a future with her.

kenandbarbie · 17/10/2019 17:09

Hope it goes well op. You're doing the right thing to talk to her about it. You don't seem that bothered. She's just a fun interest not a priority. Maybe you'll never want any more than that with anyone. As others have said though, that's not fair if she wants more. You might not be deliberately hurting her, but you are hurting her. Don't waste her time. Let her find someone who wants to make her a priority. Then she won't be needy anymore.

Bellringer · 17/10/2019 18:12

So usually you see her at least twice a week, probably most of weekend. Then you don't see her for whole week? I would be fed up too. If this is a steady relationship you are not taking it seriously. You should have seen her Thursday before you went, and/or Sunday, Monday when you got back. If you just want casual say so and let her find what she wants elsewhere. Set a date for moving in if you want her to hang about.

everytimerickysayscuntIlaugh · 17/10/2019 21:48

Op that's all bullshit and you know it. You're not in love with her and she deserves someone who is. I guarantee at some point you will meet someone and things will move a lot faster because you're actually in love.

ExcitedForFuture · 17/10/2019 22:50

If she was the one, you would know by now OP. She wants commitment and you don't, which there is nothing wrong with.

I'd honestly do her a favour and split so she can find someone who wants the same things. As others have said, she's on a timeline which is why she's pushing to move in. Don't waste the last of her most fertile years.

ExcitedForFuture · 17/10/2019 22:51

Oh and DP and I have been together for 10 months, if DCs weren't involved we would be thinking of moving in together soon as we are totally in love and know we are 'the one' for each other. When you know, you know pretty quickly. Especially when you are a bit older.

Bouledeneige · 17/10/2019 22:58

You're not selfish. She sounds clingy - I couldn't handle that. In the end you don't want the same things. Cut loose.

timshelthechoice · 17/10/2019 23:10

I need to talk to her .

No, you need to end it with her because anything else is stringing her along, which is incredibly selfish.

You like having her around when other stuff isn't more fun to you. You KNOW she wants more than you and you aren't there yet but you enjoy the ease of having someone in love with you.

Going on days longs piss ups isn't inherently selfish but knowing someone is more into you than they are with you and not ending it is very selfish.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/10/2019 03:58

I had a friend once who was with her boyfriend for 4 years. He liked her very much and enjoyed her company and being around her friends, but he did not love her.
She sat it out, determined that he actually did love her but wouldn't say so - and then one New Year she asked him out right and he said "I'm very fond of you". That's not love and it was never going to be - so SHE ended because he wouldn't - why would he, the way their relationship was suited HIM down to the ground, but it was never going to progress and it wasn't what SHE needed.

4 years she wasted on him.

Keeping your girlfriend on in the hopes that you might be ready in a year but you're not sure and you can't cope with pressure or a timeline or all of that IS selfish, if there is no guarantee that things will progress - so yeah, you need to have a very straight and honest discussion with her about your feelings and the way you view your relationship with her - at least give her the chance to say "this isn't good enough for me, I want out".

Monty27 · 18/10/2019 04:43

Tell her to back off. Don't be coerced into something you're not ready for. It'll end in tears.
If she can't back off and you're smothered it'll also end in tears.
DF needs a life outside of romance.

minesagin37 · 18/10/2019 04:46

Are you a 14 year old boy? I think you may be.

Mothership4two · 18/10/2019 04:48

OP you are obviously at very different stages in life and I would just be very honest with her about this but you will have to accept the consequences. A lot of your language is showing red flags for me though: demanding, not ready, I have other priorities, many times she has said (selfish), only me who is unwilling to do stuff, too claustrophobic, not so fast, they have wanted to get married and have kids for years... never me though, etc

I think I didn't not know how I will feel in a year. But I think I might be ready in a year isn't much for a 30 year old woman, who obviously wants to settle down, to go on really. I expect her many "selfish" comments are actually about your situation and wanting to move it on.

So, not overly selfish about not seeing your gf after a stag weekend, but, a year into our relationship, I would have been really disappointed if my dp had not wanted to see me after being away for a few days (especially because he was "wrecked") and he would have been in his early 20s then. If that had happened to me, along with other times of not wanting to see me as much as I wanted to see him, I would have moved on tbh.

Mothership4two · 18/10/2019 04:50

Agree with @ExcitedForFuture - you would know by now

Mothership4two · 18/10/2019 05:00

I don't think she sounds clingy, I think she sounds insecure because her boyfriend isn't that bothered about seeing her! She has already put up with OP and waited until he got his head together

The first few years are the ones when you can't wait to see each other (or keep your hands off each other!). If you haven't got that now, it doesn't bode well for longterm or with possible dcs in the future.

custardbear · 18/10/2019 05:01

Not selfish but i would definitely say She's more invested in you than you are with her

She's nearly 30 which is a time when people feel like settling down as the biological clock is ticking

She probably feels a bit vulnerable as a stag in Prague can be pretty hardcore

If you're just stringing her along and only willing to spend the time you want with her and aren't ever interested in settling down ( or settling down with her) then I'd say talk to her frankly, but be prepared she may decide to find someone else who wants her full time and wants just generally more from a boyfriend

Theresnobslikeshowbs · 18/10/2019 05:36

You sound like me and dp:-

Together a little over a year
I have dc he doesn’t
See each other once or twice a week
See each other over the weekend

So based on my experience- I would say Wednesday is fine, if dp goes away, which he frequently does with friends for 3 nights, then it would be Wednesday or Thursday that we would see each other 🤷🏻‍♀️

fuzzymoon · 18/10/2019 05:44

It doesn't scream I missed you and can't wait to see you.
Maybe that's what's making her sad.
I know you only went away for a couple of days but she probably is yearning for you to have that 'you're all I think about' feeling. You don't. That's fine. But its not making her feel special.

Vanhi · 18/10/2019 10:05

Let her find someone who wants to make her a priority. Then she won't be needy anymore.

This. One person's needy and clingy is another person's "I love you so much".

NorthernSpirit · 18/10/2019 10:19

Is she always so insecure & needy?

YANBU

Daenerys77 · 18/10/2019 10:23

*Why do you have to get hung over and wiped to have a good time? A bit adolescent, isn't it?

🤣😂 You're being ridiculous.*

Not ridiculous at all-he's nearly 30, not 19

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 18/10/2019 10:26

My question is why is hanging out with your friends a separate activity to spending time with your gf? Any bf I've ever had included me with his friends, not every single time but enough that they got to know me and we got to have some time together without it being a "date" or whatever. How often do you include her in friends or family time?

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