To ask for your ridiculous injuries stories

[NewYoiker]

To make me feel better about mine?

I was arguing with DH last night about how I'm absolutely not a clutz and he said I was, because I constantly fall over and knock drinks over. As I was getting particularly animated arguing my case I fell down a pot hole and broke my ankle 😂😂😂

First time I went for a meal at DPs parents house, I scuttled off to the toilet to text my sister, bent down to put a wrapper in the bin and came up headfirst under the medicine cupboard! I could not get my head to stop bleeding luckily it was the back of my head so not visible and after about 20 minutes I went and sat back downstairs at the table like nothing had happened I probably should of said what I’d done as I assume they all thought I went for a shit!!!but I was too embarrassed to go down and say I had bumped my head so when the bleeding stop I just pulled my hair over it and didn’t tell DP till we left and made him look at my head his face was like this he couldn’t believe I didn’t say anything and I can’t looking back!

Once I tried to catch a spider with a big ballon brandy glass. I ended up missing the spider and getting my foot and the tiles and cutting open the top of my foot quite badly.

I have so many

Stair carpet was being replaced so had been pulled up but new one not put down yet. Carried a tray of coffee upstairs, sock got caught on the gripper road stopping me dead, I went flying, landed hard on my knees on the gripper rods on the next stair, coffee all up the walls and floor. Holes in my knees and twisted joints.

Cracked my ribs cutting chips. DM had bought a chip cutter where you put the potato in the slot and push down on the lever, and it pushes the potato through a square grill like thing so they come out chip shaped. It was a cheap piece of crap though and the lever was flimsy, so when I pushed down and nothing happened, I leaned on it with my full weight, it suddenly went down with no warning and I crashed my ribs into the contraption and the table corner. Hurt to sneeze or laugh for weeks.

DM reads MN too so will probably kill me if she sees I told this one, but our puppy broke her ribs We took puppy out for a walk on his new flexi lead, with my younger brother and sister. Puppy hadn't got his head around how the flexi lead worked yet, and wouldn't often bolt after a squirrel or a bird until he would abrubtly get to the end and strangle himself. Brother and sister were playing catch with a tennis ball on the field, DM and I had the dog and sat on a bench to watch. Bench was facing the wrong way so DM sat the wrong way round with her legs through the back iyswim. I handed her the lead so I could do the same, and at that exact moment the dog decided to go bolting after the tennis ball. DM had no warning, dog got to the end of the lead running full speed, and the force of being yanked forward rammed my poor DM's chest into the back of the bench. I couldn't breathe for laughing, unbeknownst to me, she couldn't breathe for broken ribs

Oh another one!
I’d gone outside in my jammies and slippers
Heard the kids belting each other inside,shot back in to part them,slipped at the front door and broke 2 toes

A year to the day later I’d gone outside fully dressed but wearing the same slippers-my son shouted something to me
I shouted back I couldn’t hear him-walked back in-slipped and broke the same two toes...

I swear that front door/slippers where cursed!

I ended up with cracked ribs having sex with a heavy man.

Oh lord I have loads

Slipped running around a corner wearing tights (slippy carpet), split my chin on the door handle

Spilt boiling caramel over my arm, stuck arm under tap = set caramel on my arm (burns unit for that one)

Broke my foot and ankle approximately 45 seconds after announcing I had never broken a bone by falling down two flights of stairs and landing sat on it at the bottom

Broke my other foot and ankle getting out of bed. Even a&e were at that one

Bruised my coccyx going down concrete steps, on roller blades, no hand rail

The spaghetti injury @madambee:

DH was carrying DD (about 1 and a half) in his arms and measuring out the dried spaghetti with her. She grabbed a piece and somehow moved in a way which sent the stick of dried spaghetti up his face, between his glasses and eyes, and embedded in his eyeball. He had a very bloodshot eye for a while. He had to go to the eye hospital, where I understand the staff treating him were trying to stop laughing every time they did a handover. He's ok now.

DP decided to light a fire with some very flammable liquid, left the lid of the liquid next to the fire, turned round to hissing and the bottle caught fire and exploded all over his legs setting his legs on fire, stupid idiot ran inside on fire, absolutely horrific I still have nightmares 😨

I replaced all of my old kitchen knives with snazzy new kitchen knives. Very sharp new kitchen knives. So sharp that while I was slicing up a pepper it took me a few minutes to realise I'd also sliced straight through the web of skin between my thumb and first finger, it was such a clean cut it didn't start hurting until I saw blood.

Around 7m pregnant, DH jokingly asked if I needed a hand to get out of the bath. I told him I was fine and literally as the words came out of my mouth I slipped, fell, tried to stop my fall by grabbing the shower curtain and instead pulled the whole shower rail down at the same time as rolling sideways over the edge of the bath and landing in a soggy heap on the floor. Bruised my ribs, pulled a muscle in my back, bumped my head, and utterly smashed any pride I had.

Fell off the revolving dance floor on the Tuxedo Royale (North East MNers of a certain age will know where I mean!) when I got too close to the edge of the spinning part, took a step and landed one foot on floor that was not revolving while the other foot was still on the moving part. My brain decided to opt out of all attempts to active some sort of rescue reflex and sent out the 'fall over' signal instead. Went flat on my face, popped my nose, burst my lip, and spent the next week with huge, pouty lips that looks fabulous but hurt like fuck and were topped with a swollen blue-bruised nose so badly hurt that it had blood seeping from the pores.

I've got so many, I'm ridiculously clumsy!
I stumbled down the last two steps on my stairs at home rushing to answer the door, completely snapped my foot in half!

I slid down a (fast) slide with my DS, came flying off the end and so I didn't drop him/land on him stumbled across the park and tore the muscle in my leg, had to call my OH at work to come get us as I couldn't even stand up.

Playing with my DS, running around barefoot and ran into my OHs foot he had his steelcap work shoes and i broke my little toe.

Somehow managed to facture my foot by dropping a high chair tray on it, wasn't even heavy!

I was once on holiday with a group of friends in the UK. We decided to try a surf lesson (advertised locally with instruction and wetsuit/surfboard hire etc). None of us were expecting to be swimming so we'd not packed swimsuits, so most of us just wore our underwear under the wetsuit. One of the men had evidently decided to 'go commando' and caught a very sensitive part of his anatomy in the zip. They bleed a lot more than I would have expected!

My first pack holiday with brownies, and my first time ever away from home. Holding the end of a skipping rope to play a game ad somehow broke my ankle. No idea how it happened!

My mother did eighteen months as a student nurse in the early 1950s before her future husband knocked her up and she had to get married/leave. Her main job, because she was only 4'11" with correspondingly dainty hands, was to rescue the large numbers of men who hadn't got used to zip flies on trousers, as they were apparently a new fangled invention. She was 16 and the Matron thought that these 'poor' men would be less scared by a tiny child-woman extracting their penis skin from the things.

I have destroyed the entire cartilage in one ankle falling over a perfectly flat piece of pavement on the way to the car in the morning. My boots were amazing. But not designed to stop you from landing on the side of your foot whilst it was still (sort of) attached to your leg.

My other daft one was washing up when I was 16 and my mother was in hospital, one of the cats jumped up beside me as I was rinsing a Pyrex bowl under the tap; I jumped, hit the inside of the bowl on the tap - and then watched as these great shards of glass fell away from between my fingers to reveal what my tendons looked like. I said 'Oh, shit', grabbed a tatty teatowel and ran across the road to her friend with my hand in the air, bleeding profusely. I visited her after 6 hours in A&E where I got taped up (and a sling because my shoulder went into spasm after holding my hand above my head, wrapped in a sodden teatowel for the entire time).

I've also got a black eye from shagging when a beer bottle had been placed upon the top of the bedframe and fell down on me, and when I nearly removed the tip of my index finger the day before a gig whilst shaving, I was asked how I'd done it - I answered, not entirely untruthfully 'gardening injury'.

Thanks @GruntBaby i couldn't get past that one. So horrid.

Four years ago I was stretching in my hallway before going for a long run.

I lost balance not unusual and fell on the last step of my stairs; the very edge. I fell hard.

I broke my coccyx and it still hurts if I'm sat for longer than an hour.

We used to have a large plastic ground sheet for our tent that our DC loved to use as a water slide. Hot summers day, thought I'd put it out for them to home to... only bastard DH had been using it for gardening. So I put it out on the slope in our garden... and used the patio brush with washing up liquid and the hose to clean it. Kids came home to find me knocked out cold led in the middle of it, I had slipped and fallen right back onto my head........ they made me go inside and sit down and I bluffed it out that I was OK until I woke up the next morning feeling that my head was gong to explode and not able to see properly. Took me 18 months to fully recover from the head injury. Was a very embarassing story to tell in A & E.......... we now have a family ban on water slides

This will totally out me if a friend is on here but I broke my foot having sex. We used a bit too much baby oil (this is when I was a lot lot younger) and i was on top and slid off him and off the bed. I went to a&e and they asked what happened so I just said I fell over and my then boyfriend blurted out the whole story. We were still very shiny from the oil so the hospital staff thought it was hilarious.

I've found my people. Broke my ribs whilst camping at a music festival. We'd got too excited to properly fasten the tent so it rolled down the hill during the night! Also broke my fingers at the base when my cat tried to kill me by tripping me up whilst I was feeding her one day. Or there was the time as a teenager when I was working operating clay pigeon traps and accidentally opened up on my face. I was very lucky to just get away with a graze!

I fell in a hole and tore all the ligaments in my foot.

I also sat on hair straighteners with my bare arse when I was a teenager. That was a sore one.

I got knocked out whilst dancing Strip the Willow. What kind of venue selling alcohol puts massive concrete pillars on their dance floor...

I turned my entire backside into a giant purple bruise aged about 11 when I thought rather than take my rollerskates off to get the elevator up to our apartment, I'd leave them on. The lift jolted, I went flying. My games teacher (we had to shower communally after games) was rather cold to my df for years after that. I assume because they didn't believe my rollerskates in elevator explanation.

Tore my calf getting off a tube and misjudging the gap!

Broke my finger while disinfecting my daughters wheelchair dancing in time to Tiffany's I think we're alone now . Have flashbacks every time I hear the song 😂

Pulled up the sleeve of my cardi. Hand slipped and I punched myself in the mouth, splitting my lip.

i slipped in the snow, and landed in the recycling bin. Broke my wrist.

I tripped over in my kitchen and broke my knee cap ...
fell off a 1 brick high wall and cut the top of my foot open
Had the back tyre of my push bike explode whilst I was riding it. Bye bye hymen