To ask for your ridiculous injuries stories

[NewYoiker]

To make me feel better about mine?

I was arguing with DH last night about how I'm absolutely not a clutz and he said I was, because I constantly fall over and knock drinks over. As I was getting particularly animated arguing my case I fell down a pot hole and broke my ankle 😂😂😂

I am wetting myself. These are gold

Whilst taking down the trampoline safety net a few years back, I was stood with one foot on a patio chair and the other foot on the metal trampoline. Patio chair legs started sinking into the ground and I tried to balance on the trampoline base, but my foot slipped. I went down legs akimbo and landed foof first on the edge of the chair and the edge of the trampoline. I weighed 24 stone, I pretty much split myself a new foof, childbirth was less damaging (and one of mine weighed 11lbs 3oz) one lip swelled to the size of a marrow. My partner made it worse by comparing my foof to fresh roadkill.

Tore a ligament in my knee while having sex.
Broke my wrist showing one of the grandkids how to do a handstand.
Sliced the skin off the entire heel of my foot closing a window, which needed stitching back together and a couple of nights in hospital.
Split my vag open by falling onto a chair back, requiring stitches.

How am i even still alive???

Torn between plonking my toddler in front of the telly and being a Good Parent, i opted for the latter and took her to the park. Where i immediately slipped in the mud and broke my ankle in 3 places and dislocated the bones. Cue a fuckton of telly for the toddler while I couldn't walk.

I was walking down our stairs - wearing "proper" slippers, fully dressed, not hurrying. Suddenly my ankle turned over and I sat down on the step above - I had broken 3 bones in my foot. The doctor didn't seem to believe I hadn't fallen down the stairs! I was like no "I was walking down the stairs, didn't even fall a step, just sat down!"

Getting out of the car, DH pulled away quite quickly. I ended up in the gutter shredded leg and broken ribs.

Feeding the dog, on the way to put the can in the recycling, tripped over said dog and sliced my face open on the edge of the can.

Stabbed myself in the hand separating frozen burgers I ended up needing surgery to fix the tendon.

I'm the clumsiest person I know, forever falling over

I will never forget this. I slipped stepping over the stairgate and ended up with a huge hematoma the colour of an aubergine on my poor fanjo.

Fell down 2 stairs, dislocated my ankle, broke it in 2 places and also broke my leg. 12 screws and a plate and 4 days in hospital. That was 4 months ago and I'm still on crutches and need a second operation. I was wearing flat shoes and was sober so going forward the heels are going on and I'll make sure I have a glass of wine 😂

Tore my vagina having sex, cowgirl and he wasn't particularly big. I landed on him wrong didn't realise (we were in the dark) until i felt liquid everywhere, genuinely thought he'd weed inside me. Turned the lights on to a shit tonne of blood, had no idea where it came from until i showered and it stung like fuck.
Cue many stiches in vagina in a&e, i had less for childbirth!
This also happened at the same time shawn mendes released 'stiches'. My housemates took the piss the weeks

Nobody expects the tapas retaliation!! Beware falling tapas plates. But they where tasty.

Standing on swirly office chair to reach high cupboard in DD's room "don't do this darling, it's a bit dangerous!"
Tried to get down, chair spun three times, slid out from under me across the wooden floor. My poor tailbone

@GruntBaby DD once stabbed DH through the eyeball with a stick of dried spaghetti. Nasty!

Could you please elaborate a bit, if it is anything like i imagine, it sounds gruesome. Can he still see?

Foot down a hole in long grass, double ankle sprain. Somehow turned the same ankle walking along the high st exactly two weeks later, I'd just got it mostly back to normal. I've never known pain like it, I went into shock. I also banged the main bone in the other foot on the way down at the same time, it has now slipped out of position and despite the chiropractors best efforts to fix it, it keeps coming back out. My leg joints are hypermobile, so this is just the latest chapter! Falling off a train was the scariest.

Got the butterfly back of an earring stuck in my ear lobe. A&E got it out with terrifying tweezers.

Sprained my thumb taking off tight jeans, signed off work for a week.

Socks. Polished wooden circular staircase- slid all the way down, fractured spine.
Doing a silly dance for baby- jammed wee toe in door frame and broke at a 90° angle

Just recently DD2 managed to break my big toe by standing on it with her crutches, the sound I made was apparently hilarious because DH, and DD1&2 howled with laughter. Still hurts now.

Managed to get scalding hot oil in my eye when frying homemade fishcakes, worst of this was it was my good eye (blind in the other). I had reduced sight for about a week or so which wasn't much fun, plus it was pretty damn painful. A&E were amazing though and I was in an out within the hour.

Managed to slip in the shower and slice the leg I was shaving!

Walking the dog, I had stopped to pick up her mess and she swung her head round, cracked my nose, luckily didn't break it but she did give me two massive black eyes....she has a very hard head!

At my friends house with the kids and I knew she didn’t have much money left on her electric meter-and payday was a while off for her

So I said to the kids ‘when you go to the toilet turn the light on to go upstairs and off when you come down again-I don’t want any broken bones from anyone falling down the stairs’

Famous last words

Because I knew every penny counted I ran upstairs to go for a wee and down again-but didn’t turn the light on as every penny counts when your skint

I fell down the stairs and broke my ankle in 3 places

And as I hobbled back into the lounge to tell everyone what I’d done-my dd came up to me and repeated word for word what I’d said about not breaking any bones!

at the vaj injuries!

I'm now sitting with my legs so tightly crossed I'm in danger of cutting off the circulation.

I just remembered that I used to do trampoline lessons at a Saturday morning at the leisure centre. All good fun, until an elder girl did some fancy stomach bouncing move and yanked her naval piercing out. Blood everywhere.
Girls parents came in and shouted at her for getting her naval pierced without asking them. (she must have been around 16/17).

Beginning of the year, I had mopped the whole downstairs floors, went to push the coffee table back into place, had socks on, slipped and fell onto an ornament on the table. Heard a snap, then it really hurt to breathe. Trip to A&E and and X-Ray and I had a fractured sternum, the kind you get from an airbag! Could hardly move for 2 weeks or do anything much.

I got stuck in a bridge once.

We had a powercut on a snowy day. Went out for a walk, got about a mile away from the (rural) house. Crossed a flat bridge covered in snow, went in over the knee through a hidden gap in the stones. Completely stuck there for two hours.

Temperature fell to minus 6. Fire brigade got stuck trying to reach me. Group of walkers built a windbreak around me and fed me all their chocolate bars. Farmer eventually broke the bridge apart to release me. No broken bones, but a bruise that covered my entire thigh.

Oh, and I have twice broken my toe walking down the stairs, by 'catching' it on the tread and snapping it. Once on the way to an exam.

Weirdly enough the exam was the only one I got a first in. Apparently disabled athletes do it on purpose occasionally, it's called 'boosting', because it prompts an adrenaline response.

Singing kareoke. Turned around, my lower leg decided not to come with me.

Full separation of all ligaments in my knee. So very weird. Happened again on other knew a few years later.

I just have dodgy knees.

No spectacular injuries like yours, but I am the only person I know who can trip over a biscuit.