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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help DS although my heart is breaking?

407 replies

121feelinglost · 11/10/2019 18:29

Bit of background DS 19 started university this year, he initially decided that he’d stay home and commute the 17 mile journey by train, he gets dropped off and collected from the train station (home) so not much walking. He has now decided that the hour there and the hour back is too much for him to cope with and he’s decided to move out. I’m not going to lie I was gutted when he said he was leaving because I really wanted him to stay home and also he couldn’t cook toast without burning the kitchen down. I told him that if he made the decision to leave I was unable to help him out financially, DH is the sole earner as DD has a health condition I stay at home. DS knew that we would be unable to help and I tried to guide him to university services available to see if they can help him with short term loan as he’s now paid a deposit on a room and having to pay rent in advance. He went to uni today and he said that he hasn’t been able to get anywhere with help from uni and he needs me to lend him £300, also buy his essentials for his move and make some frozen meals or he’ll go hungry next week.
When he mentioned he wanted to move I started to teach him how to make a quick chilli and few other quick meals so burning down the house isn’t the issue but he hasn’t got money for the ingredients.
I’m so angry with him that he’s so unorganised and has decided to move without any planning. He’s looking for work and has said he’ll pay me back but his lack of urgency to get things done, his lack of planning and his immaturity that parents will always be there to help him out is really annoying me.
I could help him out but it will be through a loan and will be difficult for a while.
WIBU to say “I’m sorry I can’t help?” But the thought of saying that to him is killing me and I’m fully aware he needs to grow up, but why am I finding it so hard.
(Name changed)

OP posts:
DeathStare · 11/10/2019 18:32

Can you lend him the money? i mean from your post it sounds as though you don't have that sort of money available. And if that's the case then there's nothing you can do anyway

dancingthroughthedark · 11/10/2019 18:34

Does he have a student loan?

timshelthechoice · 11/10/2019 18:35

She just told you in the OP that she cannot lend him the money without getting into debt herself.

OP, he'll survive. YANBU.

HJWT · 11/10/2019 18:35

@DeathStare read the thread, she said she can but through a loan and things would be difficult.

CarolDanvers · 11/10/2019 18:35

If I had the money I'd lend it to him. If you haven't got it then you can't. It's that simple isn't it?

Windydaysuponus · 11/10/2019 18:35

Imo the fact he isn't self sufficient at 19 is partly down to you....
Yabu not to help....
Sorry op.

bananaface16 · 11/10/2019 18:36

How is he paying rent if he doesn’t have a job? Student loan? What has he spent the student loan payments he’s already received on?

HJWT · 11/10/2019 18:37

@121feelinglost Don't do it, you told him from the get go if he is moving out you can't help him and now he has got himself into a situation were he has to ask for money! Well thats tough luck.

Don't put your self out, he is your son so it will be hard but tell him to stay home till he has sorted money out, he needs to learn he is 19 years old not a child...

Gigia · 11/10/2019 18:37

Can he apply for a student loan?
Why can't he cook at 19?

WagtailRobin · 11/10/2019 18:38

Are you saying you would have to take a loan out to then lend the £300 to your son? That's a big ask if you're going to struggle paying the loan back, has your husband not got the money to lend your son?

Every mother wants to help their children but you can't put yourself in a position of financially struggling (if you take a loan) to satisfy their children's desires.

Sounds to me like he has a perfectly good home with you and it's his own laziness that makes him want to move because he can't be bothered with the commute.

mcmen05 · 11/10/2019 18:38

Can his dad not give him the loan.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 11/10/2019 18:38

If you are a low income family he should be able to get a decent student loan and possibly some bursaries. Have you applied for this?

Jinxed2 · 11/10/2019 18:39

I think he needs a reality check. Commuting is a part of a lot of people’s lives. I would try and persuade him to stay at home until he can save for what he needs. What is he studying at uni? A normal degree is usually only three days in uni...

Bellringer · 11/10/2019 18:40

He needs to find out about bursaries. Student welfare officer?

cockcrowfarm · 11/10/2019 18:40

Could you give him a loan of a hundred so that he has basics and let him struggle for the rest? It will be a good survival lesson for him but at the same time he has money enough to eat.

Original poster
121feelinglost · 11/10/2019 18:41

He has student loan based on him living at home and he said he will change that to living at university. He’s so careless with money that he’s spent quite a bit of it already on things like going out etc.
He can follow instructions on freezer stuff (battered fish, pizzas etc) but he won’t be able to afford this on his food budget.

OP posts:
Aridane · 11/10/2019 18:41

What - no frozen home cooked meals for him? And just a belated here's-how-to-make-a(yuck)-chilli and no bundling him off with some food??

YABU!

Genevieva · 11/10/2019 18:42

Lots of university students get a student bank loan and a weekend job to cover their bills. Presumably he is also getting his student loan, which covers more than just fees. Other students manage and it is important to learn to become a self-sufficient adult, so if you can help him come up with a plan to make this work, then I think it would be a good experience for him. It sounds like you don't want him to leave, so you are unwilling to help him find out how to make it a success.

DeathStare · 11/10/2019 18:42

@DeathStare read the thread, she said she can but through a loan and things would be difficult

I did read the thread thanks Confused

I was asking whether she could really afford this. If she needs to take out a loan and that's going to make things difficult, then does she really have the money available, especially in circumstances where there her DS is going to need to pay the rent (and for food) again next month, whether he has found a job or not. Maybe I should have been more blunt.

OP I'd decline. He doesn't need to move out. He wants to but there's lots of things we all want to do that we can't afford to do. He has a roof over his head, bills paid, and food to eat. He wants a different lifestyle - which I completely understand but he can't afford it.And (being blunt this time) I don't think you can really afford it either.

Jollitwiglet · 11/10/2019 18:43

If he has spent money on going out, then quite frankly tough shit. He won't learn to fend for himself until he actually has to.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 11/10/2019 18:44

I don’t think it’s the case that he needs to grow up. He’s 19 and just started uni. Most young people rely on their parents during this phase. He needs support. But it might be that he needs it in the form of a food parcel, some second hand ‘essentials’ and a stern talking to about making rash decisions?

WhiteCat1704 · 11/10/2019 18:44

Well he needs a job then...I would not bail him out. He sounds very entitled and a men child in the making. At 19 he should ABSOLUTELY by capable of feeding himself without mums input!!!

covetingthepreciousthings · 11/10/2019 18:45

Does your DH have the money to lend him? Or maybe half? (Assuming he's your sons dad)

Wasn't sure from your OP if you meant just you personally couldn't afford it with being a SAHP.

I think I'd try lend him something if possible without getting yourself into debt. But tell him he needs to get a job sharpish as you can't bail him out again. Also take him round charity shops maybe, to look for essentials bits he might need)

TequilaPilates · 11/10/2019 18:45

Was his student loan based on him living at home? If so it's lower than if he lives away. Can he be re assessed for his loan? Will he get maximum loan? If not, the expectation is that parents top up the loan.

He's been a bit impetuous rushing this through before he's got finance in place but I wonder if having started at uni he's realised that he's missing out on a lot by living at home?

myolivetree · 11/10/2019 18:47

it's his own laziness that makes him want to move because he can't be bothered with the commute.

God you're all heart.
Do you actually know any 19 year olds at University?

There are LOTS of reasons why this 19 year old might want to move out. A 2hr daily commute doesn't seem that terrible a reason to me. I wouldn't want to do it. Maybe he might just want to, well, be at University. That's how it mostly happens.