To not help DS although my heart is breaking?

[121feelinglost]

Bit of background DS 19 started university this year, he initially decided that he’d stay home and commute the 17 mile journey by train, he gets dropped off and collected from the train station (home) so not much walking. He has now decided that the hour there and the hour back is too much for him to cope with and he’s decided to move out. I’m not going to lie I was gutted when he said he was leaving because I really wanted him to stay home and also he couldn’t cook toast without burning the kitchen down. I told him that if he made the decision to leave I was unable to help him out financially, DH is the sole earner as DD has a health condition I stay at home. DS knew that we would be unable to help and I tried to guide him to university services available to see if they can help him with short term loan as he’s now paid a deposit on a room and having to pay rent in advance. He went to uni today and he said that he hasn’t been able to get anywhere with help from uni and he needs me to lend him £300, also buy his essentials for his move and make some frozen meals or he’ll go hungry next week.
When he mentioned he wanted to move I started to teach him how to make a quick chilli and few other quick meals so burning down the house isn’t the issue but he hasn’t got money for the ingredients.
I’m so angry with him that he’s so unorganised and has decided to move without any planning. He’s looking for work and has said he’ll pay me back but his lack of urgency to get things done, his lack of planning and his immaturity that parents will always be there to help him out is really annoying me.
I could help him out but it will be through a loan and will be difficult for a while.
WIBU to say “I’m sorry I can’t help?” But the thought of saying that to him is killing me and I’m fully aware he needs to grow up, but why am I finding it so hard.
(Name changed)

I thought the rent was paid up til january and that’s why the initial cost was so great?
But you mention the rents due again next month?

@Elieza rent hasn’t been paid yet only the deposit and the rent isn’t due at the end of this month £1700 ish.

IS DUE!!! Damn autocorrect
Just to clarify the rent IS DUE at the end of this month

OP - do you have a clear list of the money your DC gets for their loan? Both the current ‘living with parents’ and the hopefully updated ‘living away from home’

That gives you the baseline money you have to play with. I think you can even easily find how much that is per term with a bit of googling. Eg 2k/2k/1k (last term always less)

If you know how much your Dc will have been paid for this first term you; be in a much better place to know how much of his rent he can pay and whether he has any spare to live on

None of this requires access to his bank account. Work the numbers yourself, then provide the to him so he knows you know.
Eg
‘You got a loan of £7500. First term would be £2250. That should be more than enough to pay the rent and have £x to live on. We can discuss helping with some additional living costs - we think £y per week is reasonable so after your loan if we give you £z per week/month that should be enough’

Then it’s up to him to explain why he doesn’t have enough - explicitly with examples where the money has gone. And how he intends to bridge any gap - eg overdraft, working during term/holidays etc

This is all stuff you should have sat down with him before the start of term honestly - but it’s still doable now and most of that info is easily found online

What a waste of rent - I used to travel 90 minutes each way - no time for partying though. Probably was a blessing!

MrKlaw
They could have done all of that if the DS had told them of his plans to move with enough time to sit down together and do things right, but he announced an arrangement wrt the room that he had already made without coming up with any way of covering the rent apart from getting mum and dad to find the money at short notice.

If you look at it from the DS's point of view:

Parents encouraged him to live at home because it would cost less (and they would miss him).

Once term starts, he notices how much social life he was missing out on, living at home instead of with other students.

Tells his parents he is going to move out. They say they can't afford to help him with the additional costs.

DS gets himself fixed up with a room. Asks parents to help him with the costs. They say they can't afford but hey, they help him after all.

From his point of view, it's all good. He can reasonably assume they will continue to tell him they can't afford to help but then help anyway.

He may already be used to tuning out the noise about them not being able to help. He only really notices their actions so what is not to like ?