To not help DS although my heart is breaking?

[121feelinglost]

Bit of background DS 19 started university this year, he initially decided that he’d stay home and commute the 17 mile journey by train, he gets dropped off and collected from the train station (home) so not much walking. He has now decided that the hour there and the hour back is too much for him to cope with and he’s decided to move out. I’m not going to lie I was gutted when he said he was leaving because I really wanted him to stay home and also he couldn’t cook toast without burning the kitchen down. I told him that if he made the decision to leave I was unable to help him out financially, DH is the sole earner as DD has a health condition I stay at home. DS knew that we would be unable to help and I tried to guide him to university services available to see if they can help him with short term loan as he’s now paid a deposit on a room and having to pay rent in advance. He went to uni today and he said that he hasn’t been able to get anywhere with help from uni and he needs me to lend him £300, also buy his essentials for his move and make some frozen meals or he’ll go hungry next week.
When he mentioned he wanted to move I started to teach him how to make a quick chilli and few other quick meals so burning down the house isn’t the issue but he hasn’t got money for the ingredients.
I’m so angry with him that he’s so unorganised and has decided to move without any planning. He’s looking for work and has said he’ll pay me back but his lack of urgency to get things done, his lack of planning and his immaturity that parents will always be there to help him out is really annoying me.
I could help him out but it will be through a loan and will be difficult for a while.
WIBU to say “I’m sorry I can’t help?” But the thought of saying that to him is killing me and I’m fully aware he needs to grow up, but why am I finding it so hard.
(Name changed)

YABU - He's managed to be organised enough to sign up for and attend University and to get himself a room so he should be fine to get at least a temp xmas job and learn how to do for himself..

You've already identified the heart of the problem - you don't really want him to go - but he wants to go and it sounds as though it will be much better for him long-term

I’m so angry with him that he’s so unorganised and has decided to move without any planning.

Sounds like a difficult situation but I don't think you can justify being angry about his lack of foresight when you have left it until age 19 to teach him how to cook.

Firstly thank you all for your honest answers, harsh or not I understand that I am partially to blame for his lack of self sufficiency. A lot of people have asked about the student loan, he will get the maximum and is in the process of changing it over from living at home to living away but that takes 6-8 weeks. I have made him aware of the hardship fund available and where to go, the phone number and the email address but when I asked him what they said today his answer was “they’re more an enquires place they can’t help” my reply was “but did you ask about the hardship fund?” He replied “no because they’re an enquiry place” I told him to leave me alone at that point because I felt frustrated at the fact that I told him that if when he goes and they can’t help ask where he can get help and he didn’t bother, so to sum up, he is aware of the hardship fund. The reason the £300 has gone to £1000 is because £200 is for his deposit, he has a phone to pay for (£90 p/m which he got out on contract when he had a job before he had to leave due to the company downsizing). He also booked a trip to a place in Europe (a week for his course, had the option to go to London but he wanted to go abroad)and although he’s paid for the flight he has no accommodation sorted or money for food their either (might be hard to send food parcels with him there).

@Redwinestillfine
He is NOT a child, he’s 19!
I think the time for ‘gentle lessons’ is gone.
This babying is how we end up with useless entitled adults who end up with partners that want to strangle the uselessness out of them!!!

FFS, OP. You don't have the money! He needs to learn that when you don't have money to do something, you either earn it, borrow it (and have to pay it back) or you go without! This is not heart breaking this is fucking reality.

'I have NO money to lend you. If you want to do all this stuff you need to sort it out'.

Stop mollycoddling him.

1onelyranger I say my heart is breaking because I really want to help him but then I feel I’m continuing the cycle of me not wanting him to fly the nest and him not becoming independent although he wants to be. He need the independence but with that comes responsibility and he’s not accepting that responsibility.

I come from a low income family. The 1.5 hour journey to uni and back (so 3 hours in total) meant I could read up on my lecture notes in relative peace (plus nothing else to do) and do any coursework on the train so when I got home I could relax. I worked in retail in the summer holidays since age 17 so the 3k I earned would cover my travel and course materials. Many uni students from my area did the same. The retail store I worked at was full of uni students working as staff on the weekends.

If he’s intelligent enough to go to university he’s hardly going to let himself starve is he? He needs to see the consequences of his choices. Bung him some cash here and there if it makes you feel better, but don’t take out loans you can’t afford just to make life easier. Cut the apron strings.

You don't have to do anything OP. Tell him, "I don't have the money to give you" and repeat. His emergency is not your crisis.

Enquiry place, my arse! Then you tell him, 'You'll need to enquire how to get money then.'

When is his trip?
There is a student emergency loan he needs to ask, or he can't go.

Can he access the hardship fund? He's the one who changed plans. Will they consider any claims in that situation?

I really think he'll boomerang back again.

He will sort himself out if he has to. This is the time for him to start getting his act together.

I know it is hard when they launch out into the world and you have to watch them making mistakes; but we have to grit our teeth and let them stand on their own two feet.

You really should not have to think about going to the university to sort things out - he is an adult.

Of course he is still your son and our instinct is to protect and help - but once they reach adulthood that help has to be of a different kind that is peripheral to the central business of getting by in life. He has to do this himself.

I think that understandably you are getting the emotional and the practical tangled up. If you can try and separate these you might see the way forward more clearly.

He leaves first week of next month. I didn’t even know he’d booked it.

There is only £1500 difference in the maintenance loan between living at home or not. Just checked and actually that’s quite annoying because if you live at home you arguably have way too much money.

Anyway - if you aren’t high earners it should be £7500 living at home or £8900 living away. So around £500 difference per term difference. Paid in three chunks - one each term. Usually a bit less for final term so maybe something like £3k/£3k/£1500

Your son should have enough in his first term to at least pay a deposit and buy food ingredients. Term has only just started so if they really have no money left they have bigger worries than just getting through this week

He need the independence but with that comes responsibility and he’s not accepting that responsibility.

So leave him to it! 'I don't have any money to lend you. You'll have to sort it out.' And stop sorting out his food and housework and paying for his phone! £90 a month?! Are you for real? I know friends in their 40s with jobs earning decent whack who pay half that for top end phones on contract.

This isn't heart breaking, get a grip!

£90 a month for a phone. Dear god. Imagine how much he could have saved and had ready for this sort of change in circumstance if it had been £80 less.

OP, you’re a one wage family because you’re caring for your daughter and your young adult son isn’t living in the real world

No, Op it's not your fault that he can't cook.

He's had plenty of time to muck in, observe.

No, Op it's not your fault that he can't cook.

And even now, there's this thing called YouTube, which he can access on his platinum covered phone.

OMD I missed the post about the phone

£90 a month for a phone?!!

I would need to buy his essentials and he would need money for a few weeks for food, so maybe £1000?

I think we spent less than £100 on essentials - £20 Argos starter pack with pans/cutlery etc, £10 for a couple of plates/bowls, couple of spare mugs from the kitchen, spare bedding in the house already etc. They don’t need a ton of stuff for a furnished flat.

Then for living expenses we’re giving £75 a week and that includes for food, going out etc. And we get minimum loan so DS maintenance loan doesn’t even cover accommodation. In your case the loan should cover rent even at the lower amount before it gets adjusted.

Ask him how much he got from loan company - I’m sure it’d be £2750-3000 for the first term of a max loan

You tell him he had time to Get a job.
Student loans.
Money is £200 a week for 42 weeks.
Rent is £135 ish in rooms.
So £65 to live on a week....

I'd perhaps lend him the deposit (perhaps 80% of it) and buy him a bit of food to take, but tough shit for the phone and the trip, that's his problem to sort.

If his phone is 90 quid a month - which I struggle to believe - he's obviously got it so the top end iPhone is going to be paid off very quickly. He will have to adjust this, and he will probably not have to go to Europe.

This is not for you to sort out, and if you let him actually experience the pinch and the losses then he will learn from it and not do it again.

And he can get another job. It might not be his favourite job, but again, that is how he will learn to survive and progress.