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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help DS although my heart is breaking?

407 replies

121feelinglost · 11/10/2019 18:29

Bit of background DS 19 started university this year, he initially decided that he’d stay home and commute the 17 mile journey by train, he gets dropped off and collected from the train station (home) so not much walking. He has now decided that the hour there and the hour back is too much for him to cope with and he’s decided to move out. I’m not going to lie I was gutted when he said he was leaving because I really wanted him to stay home and also he couldn’t cook toast without burning the kitchen down. I told him that if he made the decision to leave I was unable to help him out financially, DH is the sole earner as DD has a health condition I stay at home. DS knew that we would be unable to help and I tried to guide him to university services available to see if they can help him with short term loan as he’s now paid a deposit on a room and having to pay rent in advance. He went to uni today and he said that he hasn’t been able to get anywhere with help from uni and he needs me to lend him £300, also buy his essentials for his move and make some frozen meals or he’ll go hungry next week.
When he mentioned he wanted to move I started to teach him how to make a quick chilli and few other quick meals so burning down the house isn’t the issue but he hasn’t got money for the ingredients.
I’m so angry with him that he’s so unorganised and has decided to move without any planning. He’s looking for work and has said he’ll pay me back but his lack of urgency to get things done, his lack of planning and his immaturity that parents will always be there to help him out is really annoying me.
I could help him out but it will be through a loan and will be difficult for a while.
WIBU to say “I’m sorry I can’t help?” But the thought of saying that to him is killing me and I’m fully aware he needs to grow up, but why am I finding it so hard.
(Name changed)

OP posts:
Greenleaveslaughing · 11/10/2019 19:07

He’ll manage if he wants to succeed

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 11/10/2019 19:08

It's natural for him to want to move out - you might have seen this coming!

Why can't he cook?

WickedLemon · 11/10/2019 19:08

You’ve raised a giant baby, that’s not his fault, it’s yours, but it’s time to step back and let him flounder for a while.

CardsforKittens · 11/10/2019 19:11

My eldest is also 19 and it’s a time of transition from childhood to adulthood. I think it’s fair enough if you can’t afford to help with money but sometimes at that age they need help with other things - and you’re doing that by helping him learn to cook. He won’t become an adult overnight but moving out and living independently will help a lot.

OMGshefoundmeout · 11/10/2019 19:11

I’d give him £20 for bread and milk and beans but I wouldn’t loan him £1000. You were very clear that you couldn’t support him financially. If you go back on it now he has no incentive to sort out his finances or budget or stop spending money YOU can’t afford on going out.

Greywalls12 · 11/10/2019 19:11

Not sure how 300 jumped to 1000?
I'd help if you could, but tell him it's the only time you can and he needs a job asap

Perunatop · 11/10/2019 19:12

Has he applied for the bigger student loan for those who live away from home? If so you could lend him money until that comes through.

Nomorepies · 11/10/2019 19:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

minesagin37 · 11/10/2019 19:12

His maintenance loan will enable him to manage. It is a system that works for most students- stop babying him!

mummmy2017 · 11/10/2019 19:13

You can add his card to your bank account, only give him £10 at a time, or he will be pubbing it.
Tesco do meals £6 for 3. If he buys cereals and milk, he can live on that till he gets a job.

Lazypuppy · 11/10/2019 19:13

I wouldn't give him money, but i'd batch cook some food for his freezer, and maybe some toast/cereal/beans, he'll survive till he gets it sorted then

MyDcAreMarvel · 11/10/2019 19:14

Will he qualify for the maximum student loan? If not you have to make up the difference as it’s based on your income.

SunnySideDownBriefly · 11/10/2019 19:14

It sounds as though he needs to wait until next term. Then he can apply for the loan that will include accommodation. Can you get him to slow down or will he lose money over it?

My daughter just went to Uni and I helped her with everything. She's really independent but it's so easy for them to make expensive mistakes early on. And don't be too sad - he won't be far away and you can visit him and have lovely meet-ups.

minesagin37 · 11/10/2019 19:14

Also university will have a hardship fun he can apply for.

Crawley65 · 11/10/2019 19:15

I wouldn’t help him financially in your position but I would help him sort this financial mess out.

I’d take some things from home that he may needs to see him through, plus some basic food rations/home cooked portions from your weekly meal.

I’d then sit down with him and look at how he can now apply for funding for living away from home. I would ensure he did this there and then and sent it off.

This may seem molly coddling but you want him to enjoy uni. I would make sure he knows he needs a job and you cannot help him financially but can offer guidance.

Zebraaa · 11/10/2019 19:20

I feel people are being unnecessarily harsh to OP here. So many times I’ve read about adults being treated as children still, maybe you’d be different if this was a DD rather than a son Hmm

Sit him down, tell him you can’t afford to help him move out. His choice is he stays for now, sorts his loan and then moves when financially ready. Or he moves out now and struggles on his own.

lookingfortreasure · 11/10/2019 19:21

I'd help him with applying for everything and go to the uni with him if you can. I'd then give him some basic food. If he's got his own fridge or freezer some microwave meals budget ones or stuff like beans/ cereal he can keep in his room. You can give him a can opener and cheap pan, bowl plate etc. The rest of essentials I'm not sure what you mean. He can take his stuff from home. I wouldn't give him any money and I'd give him a budgeting lesson.

woblob · 11/10/2019 19:22

I was a child which my Mother did way too much for. Wouldn't cut the apron strings, bailed me out financially on many an occasion and it really hindered me. In my late twenties I really felt years behind my peers in terms of what I knew how to do in terms of 'life stuff' (bills etc) and to this day I am useless at managing personal admin as I never really had to learn how to do it.

So, from the other side, please don't do this to your son. It would actually not be for his benefit at all.

Witchend · 11/10/2019 19:22

Why don't you say you'll pay for a one off delivery of food to his flat, but you can't do more?

Bag of potatoes, bag of rice/pasta, carrots, onions, slab of cheese, tins of economy beans, loaf of bread, butter and milk will go a long way.

Then talk him through what the essentials are that he "needs" for the flat. if you're talking about a pan so he can cook the food then add that to the delivery order. If he means a bottle of champagne to celebrate moving in, say not until he's paying for that himself.

Be proud that he's gained the confidence to move out and live on his own. It isn't the easy/lazy option at all, and he'll know that.

BlancoNita · 11/10/2019 19:27

Hi Op,

He does sound like he jumped the gun and went ahead with this, with the opinon you wouldn't say no to him , he could have waited another few weeks getting the train whilst he sorted out his finances, I wouldn't give it to him, purely because you probably wont get it back and you really are not helping him in the long run.

If he has spent his student loan on going out that's his problem, and in fairness prob the majority of Uni students are at this but he did choose to move out and didn't wait to see if he could pull it off.

I'd call his bluff and tell him sorry I can't loan you the money. He sounds very ommature still and it will stand to him in the long run, easier said than done as I would prob be heart broken doing it to my dc.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/10/2019 19:27

OP he doesn't need to be able to cook a chilli from scratch to be able to eat cheaply at uni.

12 eggs, a loaf, a hand ful of pot noddles, a bag of potatoes and a few tins of tuna. Job done. What's that? 8 quid? He can learn.

You and dh might have better prepared him for adulthood with regards simple cooking and absolutely with the getting of a job. But it's done and what you could give him - bed and board and lifts to and from the station - is what he chose to go to uni with. He is the one who has changed the parameters and he needs to do the work needed to fund his change.

Branster · 11/10/2019 19:29

Well he is your baby still and why shouldn’t you help him as much as you can. Give him the fishing rod so he can learn to fish on his own, don’t give him the fish.

My first choice would be that he needs to stick it out until January so he has plenty of time to sort out his increase in student loan for living away from home and save up money with a job. He absolutely must get a job. You can help him with finding a job.
I wouldn’t be too worried about his cooking skills, he won’t starve, he can call you for advice and YouTube is very useful for that. But you could engage him a bit more until he leaves homes he picks up a few tips.
However, you can share your own money saving tips, go to the supermarket with a strict budget as if it was his weekly food whilst away and see what comes off it. Direct him to the moneysavingexpert website - plenty of useful advice there. I would say learning about budgeting is much more important than learning how to cook.
Maybe you can let him take some of the things he needs from your own home and accept he might loose them or get them damaged (tea towels, spare cutlery and crockery and so on)and pick up a few bits together every now and then from Wilko,, Tesco or charity shops.

The other option is to plough through with the current situation. On the one hand he got off his arse and started the process of moving away and that’s quite an achievement. On the other hand he’s useless at dealing with the practical planning and financial aspects. Nothing to be ashamed off because he hasn’t had to do this before and maybe he’s not a practical kind of chap. He will have to learn step by step and you can help him navigate the process but he must see you doing it so that he can learn. He might get an interest free student overdraft from the bank to tie him over but I would really worry that he’d just not be careful enough with the extra money. So perhaps here you simply have to guide him and make it clear that money needs to be paid back ASAP. He needs to understand very clearly that he can’t afford to waste money on entertainment. Do not get yourself into a situation by borrowing the money yourself. He really must learn that you simply do not have the spare cash to help him out however much you’d want to. Tough lesson but for him it will be very valuable to learn to support himself financially whilst you help him with more practical things.

Rachelover60 · 11/10/2019 19:30

I'm not impressed that your son cannot even cook toast at his age, that's bad. However people soon learn how to put together a meal.

Buy him a copy of 'Get Stuffed' by Andrew Morrow; it won't break the bank and is invaluable for students everywhere.

www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Stuffed-Andrew-Murrow/dp/1852834048/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&keywords=get+stuffed&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1570818194&sr=1-1

It's quite normal for someone of your son's age to want to leave home and, to him, the commute distance and time is bad. I don't quite get why you're so gutted, frankly.

I do, however, get that your son wants £300 and you don't have it. Is there no way you can scrape it together or ask people, such as grandparents, to help? I've been hard up myself years ago and understand not having enough money but I feel £300 is a sum that could be achieved if you try.

As 'housewarming' you could buy him some groceries: potatoes that he can put in microwave for jacketing, cheese, tinned fish (tuna, pilchards), pasta and tinned tomatoes, a few ready meals - Iceland do good ones quite cheaply, even for a pound. He'll soon learn to put food together, generally students like doing that. Also toilet and kitchen rolls.

Presumably, student loan will go up if son moves.

Good luck.

Wakeuplachy · 11/10/2019 19:31

If he has a student bank account he could use the interest-free overdraft to tide him over. personal.natwest.com/personal/current-accounts/existing-customers/student-account.html

Honeyroar · 11/10/2019 19:33

What the heck are you putting in the "essentials and a few weeks shopping" that are £700?? Surely he just needs a frying pan, saucepan, couple of plates and mugs and his bedding from home? Then a box with cereal, rice, pasta, a few pasta sauces and a few tins of beans, soups and chopped toms, a block of cheese, milk, bag of onions, and loaf of bread. That lot should be way under £100 even if you buy the pans and plates new from a supermarket. Then he'll just have to work it out for himself.

I'd probably give him £150 and the food box as a gesture, then let him find the rest. He will have some left, he probably wants to spend it on going out. It's good for them to live away and learn to cope on their own (and cook).