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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help DS although my heart is breaking?

407 replies

121feelinglost · 11/10/2019 18:29

Bit of background DS 19 started university this year, he initially decided that he’d stay home and commute the 17 mile journey by train, he gets dropped off and collected from the train station (home) so not much walking. He has now decided that the hour there and the hour back is too much for him to cope with and he’s decided to move out. I’m not going to lie I was gutted when he said he was leaving because I really wanted him to stay home and also he couldn’t cook toast without burning the kitchen down. I told him that if he made the decision to leave I was unable to help him out financially, DH is the sole earner as DD has a health condition I stay at home. DS knew that we would be unable to help and I tried to guide him to university services available to see if they can help him with short term loan as he’s now paid a deposit on a room and having to pay rent in advance. He went to uni today and he said that he hasn’t been able to get anywhere with help from uni and he needs me to lend him £300, also buy his essentials for his move and make some frozen meals or he’ll go hungry next week.
When he mentioned he wanted to move I started to teach him how to make a quick chilli and few other quick meals so burning down the house isn’t the issue but he hasn’t got money for the ingredients.
I’m so angry with him that he’s so unorganised and has decided to move without any planning. He’s looking for work and has said he’ll pay me back but his lack of urgency to get things done, his lack of planning and his immaturity that parents will always be there to help him out is really annoying me.
I could help him out but it will be through a loan and will be difficult for a while.
WIBU to say “I’m sorry I can’t help?” But the thought of saying that to him is killing me and I’m fully aware he needs to grow up, but why am I finding it so hard.
(Name changed)

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/10/2019 19:33

but I feel £300 is a sum that could be achieved if you try

This sentence sums up Mumsnet completely for me. Poor? It's just that you aren't trying enough sweetie.

YouMaySayImADreamer · 11/10/2019 19:33

I think YABU. It does come across a little as though you haven't been very encoaraging of him flying the nest...I understand it is hard but I don't get the impression that you have supported his independence yet are now frustrated at his lack of it.

It sounds as though he is deperate to fly the nest which is normal, and I don't think that he is asking for too much. If you genuinely can't afford the money then fine...but a few second hand bits and a bit of cheap food to get him going, surely? You'll save money on him not being at home at least food wise at first.

BrendasUmbrella · 11/10/2019 19:34

He’s so careless with money that he’s spent quite a bit of it already on things like going out etc.

Let him figure it out. If you give him a loan of several hundred in one go he will not make any changes. If you are worried about him going hungry, transfer £15 to his account a week for a couple of months. Then you know he won't starve. He'll have to acquire a taste for basic instant noodles like most other students.

OR presumably he could just come back home? He's not trapped. Let him try and work it out for himself. Send him a small amount per week if you want to be sure he's eating.

Tistheseason17 · 11/10/2019 19:37

He'll cope or he'll move back home.

Looks like he needs to learn a few life lessons!

diddl · 11/10/2019 19:38

I think a few basics if you can-bread, milk, cereal etc.

He shouldn't have moved out expecting help when he was told it wouldn't be available.

I also agree that it's hard to teach someone to cook when they won't engage much.

AJPTaylor · 11/10/2019 19:39

I think that once he started it was highly likely that he would want to live there. If the commute is an hour each way how much was his travel?

SpaceDinosaur · 11/10/2019 19:41

Responsibility with money, understanding the value of money are life lessons you should have taught him.

So is cooking.

Sorry OP but he sounds mollycoddled and that's down to you.

If he doesn't want to be at uni then why is he enrolled and accruing mountains of debt?!

OhDear2200 · 11/10/2019 19:41

Sorry not read the whole thread.

But my 9 year old can:
Bake a cake
Make pasta and a basic tomato sauce from scratch
Make eggy bread
Make pizza from starch
Make beans on toast from scratch
Make a whole host of sandwiches from scratch

How is it that at 19 he can’t cook? For this reason alone you are BU.

timshelthechoice · 11/10/2019 19:42

FFS, he 'can't cook' because he doesn't fucking want to! He is NINETEEN now! There's this thing called YouTube where you can even learn to boil water. He wants Mum to give him money and 'cook him frozen meals'.

Seriously, OP, set off and let him swim on his own! You don't have the money! So stop enabling.

'I don't have money to lend you. You need to learn how to sort your own food.'

Span1elsRock · 11/10/2019 19:44

It's not a loan, though, is it. He's not going to be able to afford to pay you back. Ever.

I'd let him sink or swim. He has a roof over his head, he's the one choosing to find another.

Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind, OP. We've all been there.

Alarae · 11/10/2019 19:47

I don't understand why you have to give him a loan? Tell him to go open a student bank account and get an overdraft like most students.

When I went to university a few years ago and had to pay my deposit before my loan came in I used my overdraft, then budgeted to pay it back once my loan came in.

Hes moving out and needs to stand on his own two feet. It's not like he will be destitute- it's his own fault but he can also get himself out of it.

chuck7 · 11/10/2019 19:50

Sorry OP but it sounds like his lack of adult life skills are partially your fault

EssentialHummus · 11/10/2019 19:50

NBU at all. He knew you couldn't afford to help. He fritters away money. He hasn't taken on board the stuff you've tried to teach him recently. He hasn't been proactive in seeking out other sources of funding etc. And he's moving out for no good reason than his whim to do so. I'd send him off with £20 of pasta, sauce and tuna from Aldi along with a pack of Berocca.

Derbee · 11/10/2019 19:50

I think it would be irresponsible to help him move out when he doesn’t have a viable plan to afford it, and to pay you back the loan. He needs to stay at home, find a job, and move out when he can afford it. That to me would imply that he will manage to keep paying his rent when he goes, rather than needing top ups from you, or losing his new accommodation.

He wants to move out, and he should be encouraged and helped, even if you feel sad about it. But he needs to do it with a better financial plan in place, or it will end up a disaster.

It would be helpful to teach him to cook, although it’s very late now.

Waveysnail · 11/10/2019 19:50

Do not lend him the money. He needs to learn now that you cant bail him out all the time. I wish my inlaws had done that for my husband

Bookworm4 · 11/10/2019 19:52

He sounds very impulsive, organised a room to move out with no thought as to how he will pay rent or feed himself, seems like he assumed mummy would pay his way.
Your choices are either keep banging him or tell him to get on with it.
One of my DD is a student and she is very budget conscious; meal plans and does a monthly shop; cupboard/freezer items mainly. If it’s a rented room he will probably be extra for power, then his phone, clothes etc. He’s 19 not 9 time to grow up.

Bookworm4 · 11/10/2019 19:53

Jesus ** babying not banging!!!!

Waveysnail · 11/10/2019 19:53

And dont transfer money for food. Either arrange a supermarket delivery and pay for it or send him supermarket gift card

AuntieStella · 11/10/2019 19:54

How much parental contribution is there on his current loan, and are you up to date with it? And how much will it be when he transfers to the living-away-from-home rate?

Your expenses will go down by the amount of his food at least, so even though you cannot cover accommodation expenses, or provide much equipment, you could get him some food staples. And it won't hurt him to be on lean rations for a couple of weeks whilst he sorts this out.

autumnboys · 11/10/2019 19:54

It sounds as though you’ve been quite busy with looking after your DD, given her illness & your not working to care for her. So, not surprising you haven’t had a chance to impart cooking & housekeeping skills.

Nothing in this situation is ideal, but I would try to scrape together what you can for him though, while making it clear this is it and he needs to find work before the next rent is due.

timshelthechoice · 11/10/2019 19:55

And this, my friends, is how the Useless Men of MN come to be. 'His mum did everything for him'. As if it's entirely his mum's fault to shape him for adulthood. Newsflash: you can learn things all your life! Yes. Even if Mum and Dad didn't train you up or you didn't want to listen and so started out making fuck ups. You can learn to cook all your life! You can learn to adult without any help. Incredible! It's far from 'too late' for a 19-year-old to become a functioning adult, but if he/she is a lazy git it's not as likely if the parents keep subbing him/her and making their food.

RolytheRhino · 11/10/2019 19:57

Then you learn to make pot noddles with tinned meat mixed in.

Pot noodles?! Someone's earning. What you want is the 15p packets of Tesco/Aldis own instant noodles, with some frozen mixed veg and frozen Quorn mince chucked in. Cook on the hob for ten minutes or so (add noodles last) and there you go.

Redwinestillfine · 11/10/2019 19:57

He's still a child and needs to learn the lesson but gently. Help him out but make it clear he needs to do better.

AutumnRose1 · 11/10/2019 19:57

Don't lend him money

Be prepared he might want to move back in again.

If he does live with you, FGS make him function as part of an adult household and that means chores, cooking, shopping etc.

1onelyranger · 11/10/2019 19:58

When you say that your heart is breaking, why is that exactly?

This kind of situation irritates me I'm afraid, it's so unhealthy, so predictable and so unnecessary.