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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not help DS although my heart is breaking?

407 replies

121feelinglost · 11/10/2019 18:29

Bit of background DS 19 started university this year, he initially decided that he’d stay home and commute the 17 mile journey by train, he gets dropped off and collected from the train station (home) so not much walking. He has now decided that the hour there and the hour back is too much for him to cope with and he’s decided to move out. I’m not going to lie I was gutted when he said he was leaving because I really wanted him to stay home and also he couldn’t cook toast without burning the kitchen down. I told him that if he made the decision to leave I was unable to help him out financially, DH is the sole earner as DD has a health condition I stay at home. DS knew that we would be unable to help and I tried to guide him to university services available to see if they can help him with short term loan as he’s now paid a deposit on a room and having to pay rent in advance. He went to uni today and he said that he hasn’t been able to get anywhere with help from uni and he needs me to lend him £300, also buy his essentials for his move and make some frozen meals or he’ll go hungry next week.
When he mentioned he wanted to move I started to teach him how to make a quick chilli and few other quick meals so burning down the house isn’t the issue but he hasn’t got money for the ingredients.
I’m so angry with him that he’s so unorganised and has decided to move without any planning. He’s looking for work and has said he’ll pay me back but his lack of urgency to get things done, his lack of planning and his immaturity that parents will always be there to help him out is really annoying me.
I could help him out but it will be through a loan and will be difficult for a while.
WIBU to say “I’m sorry I can’t help?” But the thought of saying that to him is killing me and I’m fully aware he needs to grow up, but why am I finding it so hard.
(Name changed)

OP posts:
justasking111 · 11/10/2019 20:20

He can find a job in a uni. town, bar work. Unsocial hours but DS started in Weatherspoons and found they were happy to work around his lectures. Casual work can be found because students like to eat and drink.

JenniferM1989 · 11/10/2019 20:21

If you have the £300, give him it but not as a loan then send an asda/tesco delivery shop to him worth about £30 each week for 3/4 weeks.

Tell him this is what you can do and you can't do anything else so he will have to get a part time job and/or sort his student loan out to cover his living expenses.

Make it clear that this is the final hand hold now that he has chosen to move out but he is always welcome home of course but you'd be proud when he makes this work

Original poster
121feelinglost · 11/10/2019 20:23

Just to clarify I don’t pay for his phone, he got the phone when he had a job he’s in a 24 month contract and into 12 months of it. When he lost his job he had some money leftover from the job and paid for his phone and now it comes out of student loan. I tried so hard to tell him that £90 for a phone is too much but he went ahead and did it anyways.

OP posts:
BeesKnees4 · 11/10/2019 20:24

£90 phone needs to go! I’ve a brand new iPhone and it’s £50pm, what on earth?!

SugarNyx · 11/10/2019 20:24

If he’s immature and unable to take care of himself that’s on you. You should have taught him. You can’t abandon him now! Yea he needs to stand on his own two feet but you can’t expect him to know how if you haven’t taught him basics like making toast and doing his own washing

Original poster
121feelinglost · 11/10/2019 20:25

leomama81 He got the iPhone XS when it first came out on contract hence the high cost

OP posts:
XingMing · 11/10/2019 20:26

The cookbook he needs is A Girl called Jack. Fairly healthy food on a minimum income.

I don't want to judge here; I have a 20 yo son, who lives at home, but who needs to leave. He simply doesn't have a direction to follow yet. When he does, he'll be gone. In the meantime, we are as helpful as we can can be. Boys are slower to mature, but there's a fine balance between installing permanent helplessness and denying support. We seem to see a fair number of his school friends who visit on Sunday at lunchtime. TBF to him, he's worked very hard in his gap year doing 70 hours a week cheffing in a five star boutique hotel, so feeding himself is unlikely to be a problem. Ingredients are another story...

timshelthechoice · 11/10/2019 20:27

Then he can do the rest of this anyways. He thinks he'll be able to hit you up whenever he CBA'd to do any growing up. C'mon. You don't have the money. That's it. 'Son, we don't have the money for any of this. You will have to find a way to extend your loan.'

BeesKnees4 · 11/10/2019 20:27

@121
I think you’re son has no intention of stepping up, he knows Mum will bail him out. He’s doing nothing to help himself; you’ve went from no to maybe £1000!!
He is living a life way beyond his means and unfortunately unless you want to spend the next 4 years paying for him then it’s time for tough love; no holiday, no ££ from you.

lovelyjubilly · 11/10/2019 20:29

although he’s paid for the flight he has no accommodation sorted or money for food their either

He needs to go to London for his trip instead of Europe then doesn't he?

Durgasarrow · 11/10/2019 20:29

It doesn't seem as if he can afford NOT commuting. Maybe next semester. An hour each way isn't that bad. It's just one semester.

mumstaxi2 · 11/10/2019 20:29

I understand your frustration and feelings around your son leaving - both my boys moved away to uni last year (neither great cooks but one year on are doing ok). I know it's hard to adjust but at least he is only an hour away. He may say the commute is the reason but I'm sure there are many more (totally understandable) around missing out on the student experience.
With regards to the money be needs for the trip etc perhaps you could lend it to him on the understanding that he repays when his loan comes through. It's annoying he has booked without the funds in place but he may well have been under pressure from his tutor & fellow students & want to feel part of it all.
As for the food maybe buy him some real basics & leave him to it. You'll be amazed how quickly they pick it up - I know I have Smile.
My final suggestion is to try not to let this sour relationship with your son, enjoy the fact that you have given your son the confidence to move away - if not quite the common sense to do deal with all the practicalities quite yet! Hopefully by doing this your son will not be far away and will happily call home for the odd Sunday lunch or meet up with you between lectures if you can call over & see him. I particularly enjoy doing this with my son who is only 1.5 hrs away. Good luck!

SinglePringle · 11/10/2019 20:30

Let - and help - him go OP.

It’s the basics of being a Good Parent (and make him pay you back the money you’ll have to borrow. No discussion on that).

reefedsail · 11/10/2019 20:30

You haven't taught him how to make toast or run a basic budget by 19 and yet you are berating him for being disorganised and unable to sort himself out? You were gutted about him moving out because you wanted him home.

Too right this is on you. You've infantilised him.

You need to accept he's an adult, catch up for lost time and help him get on his feet now.

Mammajay · 11/10/2019 20:31

He is being a typical 19 year old. I would give him what I could manage.

3dogs2cats · 11/10/2019 20:31

I think he may need to live at University. You didn’t seem to want him to move out and don’t think he’s mature enough to do so, but in that case, moving out is what he needs, and in the circumstances he won’t have the money. It is normal to help our young fledge, be generous if you can. I remember having a similar dilemma with my oldest son, and then realising that helping children to independence is kind of the point.

MyRaGaiaStarFishPieA · 11/10/2019 20:31

Honestly I don't see what he could have spent his money on already that he needs a loan. My son got £2500 for the term . Why does he need £300 from you ? He can't have spent it all surely?! And you say he has spent on aDEPOSIT amd not paid his lodging for the term? That's worrying.

I would buy him a cheap set of pans , plate/mug/bowl and cutlery etc and give him his duvet and existing bedding. Then spend £30 in Aldi on a few boxes of cereal, uht milk, cordial, 12x beans and sausages, a loaf, streaky bacon, cheese, noodles etc and wave him on his way. He can get a job.

timshelthechoice · 11/10/2019 20:31

If he’s immature and unable to take care of himself that’s on you. You should have taught him. You can’t abandon him now! Yea he needs to stand on his own two feet but you can’t expect him to know how if you haven’t taught him basics like making toast and doing his own washing

I grew up with no one training me up like a dog. Plenty of us did. Amazingly enough, things like making toast and using a washing machine don't actually require other people showing you how to use them unless you have some kind of impairment. And in fact, you can get other people showing you how to use them with YouTube.

People learn to take care of themselves by doing so, same as anything else.

And some are not 'mature' no matter what the parent does.

Not handing a 19-year-old £1000 to go on a trip, pay a £90 phone and move out when they don't absolutely need to is not supporting him/her to become an independent adult, it's enabling.

We're not talking about chucking a sick or ill person in the rain with no coat but a trip abroad, cooked meals and the accommodation they desire.

He can get a job for this stuff.

diddl · 11/10/2019 20:33

"If he’s immature and unable to take care of himself that’s on you."

No it's not-he's 19 & needs to take some responsibility.

He's decided to move out with no money & after being told that his parents can't help.

He's paying 90GBP per month for a phone & seemingly booking stuff left, right & centre with no money to do it on.

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 11/10/2019 20:33

If you have the money I’d definitely lend it to him - he’s very young still that is a bit harsh

slipperywhensparticus · 11/10/2019 20:37

My daughter is 19 she has been at university since she was 18 she does very little at home she survived

mummmy2017 · 11/10/2019 20:40

Anyone else thing DS paid £65 return for his plane trip, so he can guilt mum into paying?

CampingItUp · 11/10/2019 20:41

“LOL! Some teens will simply NOT engage at all, you can't force them and they learn the hard way.”

Well, they will, we hope, learn the hard way. But as for the rest, yes, that’s why they take part in the household from 10.

My 18 yo isn’t a great cook but he has had a problem solving spirit that had been expected of him since he was about 9. He has been contributing to cooking, car maintenance, cleaning etc for years before teendom set in. So what if teendom strikes, he knows how to do it.

Sorry OP, but you need to have a grown up talk with your lad.

Tell him that you should have encouraged him to live at Uni from the off.

Show him why you can’t just rustle up £300. Let him understand your adult household budget.

Together make a plan.

Original poster
121feelinglost · 11/10/2019 20:44

I asked him how much money he has left and yesterday he said to me I’ll need £200 to cover the advance on my rent and I’ll need you to buy all the essentials and food for the next few weeks. Then later in the evening he came to me and said actually I didn’t take into account the deposit of the £200 so I’ll need more. What he’s spent his money on, I have no idea bar £215 he gave me in September for “rent” living here. So £300 is not the issue but add on the £700ish that’s the issue. The only way I would know where his money has gone is by asking to see his bank statements and I don’t want to have to really do that, I feel that it would definitely be an invasion of his privacy.

OP posts:
BeesKnees4 · 11/10/2019 20:47

Do you know how much his loan was?
I’m speechless he’s arranged this room expecting you to pay the deposit, rent and essentials!!
Invade his bloody privacy and sit him down and find out where he’s wasted ££!!
Jesus he’s some CF!!