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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not help DS although my heart is breaking?

407 replies

121feelinglost · 11/10/2019 18:29

Bit of background DS 19 started university this year, he initially decided that he’d stay home and commute the 17 mile journey by train, he gets dropped off and collected from the train station (home) so not much walking. He has now decided that the hour there and the hour back is too much for him to cope with and he’s decided to move out. I’m not going to lie I was gutted when he said he was leaving because I really wanted him to stay home and also he couldn’t cook toast without burning the kitchen down. I told him that if he made the decision to leave I was unable to help him out financially, DH is the sole earner as DD has a health condition I stay at home. DS knew that we would be unable to help and I tried to guide him to university services available to see if they can help him with short term loan as he’s now paid a deposit on a room and having to pay rent in advance. He went to uni today and he said that he hasn’t been able to get anywhere with help from uni and he needs me to lend him £300, also buy his essentials for his move and make some frozen meals or he’ll go hungry next week.
When he mentioned he wanted to move I started to teach him how to make a quick chilli and few other quick meals so burning down the house isn’t the issue but he hasn’t got money for the ingredients.
I’m so angry with him that he’s so unorganised and has decided to move without any planning. He’s looking for work and has said he’ll pay me back but his lack of urgency to get things done, his lack of planning and his immaturity that parents will always be there to help him out is really annoying me.
I could help him out but it will be through a loan and will be difficult for a while.
WIBU to say “I’m sorry I can’t help?” But the thought of saying that to him is killing me and I’m fully aware he needs to grow up, but why am I finding it so hard.
(Name changed)

OP posts:
Original poster
121feelinglost · 11/10/2019 18:48

The truth is I have researched all the bursaries and loans available to him but I feel that unless I actually go to the university myself and help him he can’t be bothered.
I can totally understand why people think I am the reason that he not self sufficient but after a certain age it is hard to stop them from spending their money. The loan would be more than the £300 as I would need to buy his essentials and he would need money for a few weeks for food, so maybe £1000? The loan is just another expense that we really could have done without and DH has had to spend quite a bit recently on his work car, so it’s really come at the worse time.

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 11/10/2019 18:48

Imo the fact he isn't self sufficient at 19 is partly down to you....

LOL! Some teens will simply NOT engage at all, you can't force them and they learn the hard way.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 11/10/2019 18:49

Well he’ll get a much bigger loan once it’s all sorted out. He could talk to his bank about an overdraft until it comes through.

Living away from home is a big part of the uni experience. You don’t sound very keen to cut the apron strings OP.

timshelthechoice · 11/10/2019 18:51

He can follow instructions on freezer stuff (battered fish, pizzas etc) but he won’t be able to afford this on his food budget.

I did this and so did many of my friends. Once. Then you learn to make pot noddles with tinned meat mixed in.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/10/2019 18:52

unless I actually go to the university myself and help him he can’t be bothered

If he can't be bothered that's his look out.

Let him get on with it. I can promise he won't starve to death, though he may be hungry occasionally - but it will teach him to get his finger out and get on with the essentials.

timshelthechoice · 11/10/2019 18:53

You can't afford to lend him money. He will learn.

SinglePringle · 11/10/2019 18:53

With kindness, you have created this situation. I get it - he’s your lovely child and you want day to day contact as much as possible. You admit this yourself in your OP.

But he’s a young adult, at University. It’s time for him to go. You / your husband should have taught him how to cook by now. I know you’ve started but it’s so late in the process that he feels he can still go ‘Muuuuuuuum’

Financially, well it’s tricky. He needs to reapply for the loan with his change of circumstances. If you can lend him the £300 as you say you can, do so. But make sure he a) gets a job and
b) sets up a direct debit. Doesn’t matter if it takes a few years to pay it back (if it doesn’t affect your finances) but he should learn to repay.

timshelthechoice · 11/10/2019 18:55

I had one who simply would NOT learn to cook. So she moved out and learned surprisingly quickly.

Bellringer · 11/10/2019 18:55

Eggs and beans, tin opener or stay home

Original poster
121feelinglost · 11/10/2019 18:55

I really want him to succeed and I really want the truth from all you so I’m not going to lie, I don’t want him to leave, I am going to miss him terribly. I have an amazing relationship with my son but I think it’s because of the things we have been through as a family (my DD getting ill and it was quite serious) but that has made me hold on to both my DC tighter. I want to help him succeed at this and I have already taken on board what a lot of you have said like making a plan and yes there were always going to be food parcels but I thought they’d be top ups.

OP posts:
QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 11/10/2019 18:56

You told him you wouldn't be able to help and he still decided to be irresponsible and get himself into this mess. He can sort it out.

LadyAllegraImelda · 11/10/2019 18:57

How on earth did that just jump from 300 to 1000! ?

BreatheAndFocus · 11/10/2019 18:58

YANBU. He doesn’t seem to have planned much and it’s not up to you to cover for him. If you’re supporting him in accessing loans, etc, then that’s the support he needs.

He made a decision to live at home, he’s changed his mind - which is fine, but he needs to make sure he can finance his change of heart.

TeachesOPeaches · 11/10/2019 18:58

He’s 19. Time to be an adult. You probably should have helped him along the way in regards to being self sufficient...

bridgetreilly · 11/10/2019 19:00

It's fine for him to realise he would prefer to move out (and presumably this will save him some money from train fares) but you've been very clear with him that you can't support him financially to do so. Now is the time for him to understand that you mean it when you say that. If you give him the money now, he will assume that there is always money on tap when he needs it. He's 19, not a child. He needs to start budgeting properly, get a job, take some responsibility. You will be helping him most if you don't put your hand in your own pocket now.

Tippety · 11/10/2019 19:02

Can he not apply next year for student finance as living away, and live at home for the rest of this year, maybe getting a job. He decided to live at home this year, and as much as he might not like it, if you aren't able to lend him the money then you can't help him, and he should stick to his original plan.

bridgetreilly · 11/10/2019 19:03

I feel that unless I actually go to the university myself and help him he can’t be bothered.

Right. This is why you absolutely need to hold firm and not give him the money yourself. He needs to learn to be bothered about these things. If he doesn't go, he doesn't get the money, he stays living at home. He won't be out on the streets. But it is up to him to start taking responsibility for his own choices.

pikapikachu · 11/10/2019 19:04

Does he have a job? My Ds is at uni and works too. Lots of places are hiring Christmas temps right now (if his uni is in a town/city)
At my son's uni he had to show proof of his student loan before he could move in. Can you offer him any tins? Beans on toast type meals are much cheaper than frozen food.

Greenleaveslaughing · 11/10/2019 19:04

He has to get a job, my nieces both have jobs.
It’s difficult, but helps with the changeover from home and family to being alone at uni. They work and have busy lives, ultimately it’s good for them, and keeps them busy and depression at bay.

Mintjulia · 11/10/2019 19:05

“Cook him some meals”! Oh do sod off.
Tell him to eat baked beans on toast while he works out how to fry an egg. He’ll learn soon enough.
And he can get a weekend job to earn money himself. He needs to learn not to be a free loading brat. What was he doing all summer?

pikapikachu · 11/10/2019 19:05

I feel that unless I actually go to the university myself and help him he can’t be bothered.

This is the biggest problem imo. Don't do it - he's 19.

TequilaPilates · 11/10/2019 19:05

I don’t want him to leave, I am going to miss him terribly.

Isn't this the crux of it? You don't want him to go and so are hoping to sabotage his plans?

The thing is, it might work right now but you risk alienating him in the process and you'll lose the good relationship that you have.

You can't keep him with you forever op.

pictish · 11/10/2019 19:05

Fuck off anyone taking a swipe at the OP’s parenting.
None of you have a clue.
You’re just being mean.

Greenleaveslaughing · 11/10/2019 19:06

I also agree, cheap tins of beans and tomatoes, toast, marmite, yoghurt, fruit, veg, cheap chicken thighs roasted, baked potatoes etc. Are his way forward. Easy and cheap.
But a job is essential

Mummy1224 · 11/10/2019 19:06

Could you tell him that you can’t offer financial help, but can offer a bucketload of logistical help?
I would support his choice to move out - he might learn a lot of life lessons, and will also see how his peers are coping/cooking/sorting their shit out, which might teach him a lot!
You could offer for him to come home for a couple of weeks, and then show him all the info you’ve found, let him get his job and new place sorted, he can save up for the new things he needs, and then move safely and with your full support. Make it clear that it has to be this way, or he’s on his own - you just don’t have the finances to bail him out.

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