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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help DS although my heart is breaking?

407 replies

121feelinglost · 11/10/2019 18:29

Bit of background DS 19 started university this year, he initially decided that he’d stay home and commute the 17 mile journey by train, he gets dropped off and collected from the train station (home) so not much walking. He has now decided that the hour there and the hour back is too much for him to cope with and he’s decided to move out. I’m not going to lie I was gutted when he said he was leaving because I really wanted him to stay home and also he couldn’t cook toast without burning the kitchen down. I told him that if he made the decision to leave I was unable to help him out financially, DH is the sole earner as DD has a health condition I stay at home. DS knew that we would be unable to help and I tried to guide him to university services available to see if they can help him with short term loan as he’s now paid a deposit on a room and having to pay rent in advance. He went to uni today and he said that he hasn’t been able to get anywhere with help from uni and he needs me to lend him £300, also buy his essentials for his move and make some frozen meals or he’ll go hungry next week.
When he mentioned he wanted to move I started to teach him how to make a quick chilli and few other quick meals so burning down the house isn’t the issue but he hasn’t got money for the ingredients.
I’m so angry with him that he’s so unorganised and has decided to move without any planning. He’s looking for work and has said he’ll pay me back but his lack of urgency to get things done, his lack of planning and his immaturity that parents will always be there to help him out is really annoying me.
I could help him out but it will be through a loan and will be difficult for a while.
WIBU to say “I’m sorry I can’t help?” But the thought of saying that to him is killing me and I’m fully aware he needs to grow up, but why am I finding it so hard.
(Name changed)

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 16/10/2019 17:43

Asking for access to the bank account isn't controlling if a loan for £1700 has been made to someone with a habit of pissing money up a wall and who seems not to have any sense of personal responsibility.

mathanxiety · 16/10/2019 17:44

The access is to remind him that he has to make sure that there is money for repayments.

Original poster
121feelinglost · 16/10/2019 17:50

Again the cooking sessions on Friday were not forced, they were a suggestion.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 16/10/2019 17:53

They were very misguided.

But they were more doormat than controlling, though there can be a fine line.

FinallyHere · 16/10/2019 18:39

unless I actually .... help him he can’t be bothered.

I was in two minds when I first read this but honestly, if you give him the loan now, after telling him you could not help if he wanted to move out , what message are you sending.

VanCleefArpels · 16/10/2019 18:44

Every student bank account has at least £1000 overdraft facility that he can use for rent deposit etc until he gets a part time job

EarPhones · 16/10/2019 20:37

Initially I got the feeling from the thread that OP was not happy about her son moving out and then it was focused on how useless he is with managing money and does things without understanding consequences. Both are right and wrong in their own ways. I guess he needs to own his actions/decisions at some point, bear the consequences and learn life lessons as it goes. There is only so much parents can do. Worst case scenario, he blows it all up and comes back home and start where he left off.

1onelyranger · 16/10/2019 20:57

A lot of people here have said that I am a controlling mother but I believe there is a difference between being controlling and having a relationship, just because you get a twinge in your heart when your child is leaving home doesn’t make you controlling.

It's not the "twinge in your heart" that people judge as controlling. You realise that right?

Original poster
121feelinglost · 16/10/2019 21:20

So which bit is it 1onelyranger? The fact that he’s asking for money that I don’t really have and I’m seriously having to think about it because DS is not good with money? The fact that DH and I enjoyed picking and dropping him off at the train station everyday (and yes it was everyday) that we thought without it we will have too much free time. Surely people can see that this isn’t about control, this is about DS making a choice about leaving without any planning or thinking.

OP posts:
1onelyranger · 16/10/2019 22:16

Having access to his bank accounts is controlling (how are you even doing that?).

Very gently, your relationship is unhealthily symbiotic OP. Why shouldn’t he have the same opportunities as the rest of us to be independent of parents, to find his own way.

mathanxiety · 16/10/2019 22:21

He has those opportunities.

He seized them with no regard at all for how to finance them, what he would eat, how he could pay for commitments he already made.

He blithely assumed mum and dad would pay for the independence - the rent for his room, meals that he would pick up each weekend, accommodation when he goes abroad on his prearranged trip...

And oh the irony...

mathanxiety · 16/10/2019 22:26

Contrary to some assertions on this thread, most students who go off to university do so with some idea about how they will afford lodging and food. They make careful plans with their parents and because all parties are on the same page, and students know how much they will have per month to live on, they realise a request for even an extra £100 in any given month might not go down well.

Original poster
121feelinglost · 16/10/2019 22:47

Thank you mathanxiety you are right he does have those opportunities and I think I’ve explained the access to the bank accounts. I’ve never checked his accounts before because I’ve never had to, DS has left and I haven’t check his accounts yet, I will when he asks for money (which I know will be soon as rent is due at the end of the month) if I was so controlling I’d be checking his accounts to see what he’s up to and before anyone asks (hand on heart) I have not checked his accounts.

OP posts:
TequilaPilates · 16/10/2019 23:18

Contrary to some assertions on this thread, most students who go off to university do so with some idea about how they will afford lodging and food. They make careful plans with their parents and because all parties are on the same page, and students know how much they will have per month to live on, they realise a request for even an extra £100 in any given month might not go down well.

I beg to differ. My dc didn't plan with me first about going to uni. Nor did any of us know how much money they would have until they'd applied for their student loans and they didn't know how much their accommodation would cost until it was allocated, only about 4 weeks before they moved in.

What we did do was save as much as we could in the couple of years before they went once they had told us they wanted to go.

We've also lent money to their housemates who couldn't afford deposits for the following year's house because their parents had insisted they do it all on their own. So, ime, it is very normal for parents to contribute financially unless the child is on maximum loan. Check out Martin Lewis website - he makes it clear what the expectation of parents is.

EarPhones · 16/10/2019 23:35

He is asking you for rent money, which is your decision to give or not. You don't need access to his account to decide whether you have the funds or not. He should have refused help offered, if it means this level of intrusion from mummy but his call.

Anyways after so much signalling that you don't have funds, just let him sort it by other means, overdraft or borrow from friends etc. If you give him money now, your actions don't match your words.

mathanxiety · 17/10/2019 00:53

So there is saving ahead of time, and applications for loans in timely fashion, as well as applications for accommodation.

I can't believe you wouldn't even have had a ballpark figure you could work with when it comes to budgeting.
www.thecompleteuniversityguide.co.uk/university-tuition-fees/university-tuition-fees-and-financial-support/if-you-come-from-england/

university.which.co.uk/advice/student-finance/whats-the-average-cost-of-living-at-university

It's not really a case of a giant stab in the dark.

mathanxiety · 17/10/2019 00:55

And once again, you are conflating normal support for one's student with an outrageous demand for £1700 out of the blue, that has to be paid this week.

TequilaPilates · 17/10/2019 01:14

Where's the £1700 suddenly coming from though?

Thought op said he had £1500 in savings?

And we helped them.do.all of the things that you said - apply for the loan, apply for accommodation and we, the parents, saved the.money not the children.

We've also been there, when asked, to.support in whichever way they needed because that's what parents do surely?

And no, we didn't have a great idea as to how much rent would be. Certainly not for my eldest who didn't get into his 1st choice so we had barely anytime to try and find accommodation at the insurance university.

There's clearly more to this though - what on earth did the op mean by her and her husband enjoying dropping him off and picking him up from the station and having too much spare time if this stops? Was that really a reason to stop him moving out or have I missed something?

IdiotInDisguise · 17/10/2019 01:19

@TequilaPilates

Did it occur to you that those families were not insisting in the kids paying for everything on their own but unable to provide for them?

You say you saved as much as possible, sadly, the bog standard family may find it impossible to save at all as they are just barely keeping their head above the water.

I worked for years in student support, what you get to see is heartbreaking, from the student who keeps up with university while sleeping rough, the kid that is starving after not being able to find a job, the one that is sending half of the loan home to help with the upkeep of the siblings. And from time to time you have the kid with affluent parents coming to the door to tell you that they can’t make ends meet because their parents never taught them how, all while wearing a cologne that could feed them for a month and after frittering their loan in clothes and M&S ready meals.

So good on you for lending money to those kids whose parents wouldn’t help. I bet most of those parents wanted to help but couldn’t afford it.

TequilaPilates · 17/10/2019 01:33

So good on you for lending money to those kids whose parents wouldn’t help. I bet most of those parents wanted to help but couldn’t afford it.

And nor could we. We financed it by me working, my husband working 60 hours a week, no holidays for 4 years now, driving an old car.

Strangely enough, the 2 that we lent money to had parents who went on at least 2 holidays in the year that we paid the deposit and drove newer cars than we had.

No doubt there are people that genuinely cannot afford it but then there are people who have different priorities. I will always prioritise helping my children. Even if I can't afford much I'll give my time and my emotional support.

My children don't belong to me. My job has been to raise them to not need me anymore not to try to hang onto them by employing emotional blackmail. That's a sure fire way of making them leave never to return.

Original poster
121feelinglost · 17/10/2019 01:34

@TequilaPilatesThere's clearly more to this though - what on earth did the op mean by her and her husband enjoying dropping him off and picking him up from the station and having too much spare time if this stops?Was that really a reason to stop him moving out or have I missed something?

SMH 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
TequilaPilates · 17/10/2019 01:37

The fact that DH and I enjoyed picking and dropping him off at the train station everyday (and yes it was everyday) that we thought without it we will have too much free time.

Op this is what you said. Why shake your head? Did you not mean it then?

timeisnotaline · 17/10/2019 07:43

Personally I wouldn’t give him a penny towards the os trip. He can please hardship and the professors would let him switch to the local version. Or he can go and starve for a week.
It’s important your financial support is minimal op. Here’s £15- 20 for food for the week.

Original poster
121feelinglost · 17/10/2019 11:07

TequilaPilates you should have read the previous post by 1onelyranger and would have realised I was being sarcastic. The fact you didn’t understand my sarcasm was the reason I was shaking my head.

OP posts:
1onelyranger · 17/10/2019 11:39

He is asking you for rent money, which is your decision to give or not. You don't need access to his account to decide whether you have the funds or not. He should have refused help offered, if it means this level of intrusion from mummy but his call.

This. You’ve told him you don’t have the money, so the problem of how to live within his means is his to solve, like every other adult on the planet.

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