To be both sad and happy my DD is “unremarkable”

[GreyCloudsandSunshine]

Said by her teacher during parents evening. She’s 5, in Year 1. Last year she never got a celebration certificate in assembly from the head –each week the head chooses people from each class, there’s no set amount of children chosen but DD has never been chosen--, she never got to the very top of the behaviour chart to earn extra house points, she didn’t get to do the celebration trip last year as she had never had a celebration certificate, but she also never got to the very bottom of the behaviour chart either.

Her Reception teacher said she was quiet, polite and well behaved. Her Year 1 teacher said she is quiet, thoughtful but unremarkable.

I am so very proud that she gets on with things and doesn’t draw attention to herself for bad things, but I am also sad that she’s seen as a little too quiet. She works hard, gets it done, but the teacher has 25 others in her class, some of whom have significant SN (It’s obvious with some of them due to the way they walk/speak) and I know of at least 1 who has significant behaviour issues (talked about on the parents whatsapp, the parent of said child apologises).

This is not against her teacher, or her Reception teacher, both seem lovely and I liked both. The Year 1 teacher knew who she was, and the way she described DD is very like her so I’m not concerned for that. She answers questions in class, but is never so exceptional or naughty that she gets recognised for that.

She isn’t good at anything in particular, she’s bang on where she should be in Literacy, a little behind in Numeracy but nothing to be overly worried about (her teachers words), she enjoys the other topics offered by the school. She does extracurricular activities; swimming, judo and rainbows, she’s neither good or bad at those. She’s just average. Which I like, but also makes me wonder what she has to do to be recognised, why is average not good enough?

I would cut out my tongue before I told a parent their child was ‘unremarkable’. I’m normally the most feisty defender of teachers (ex-teacher) but that’s not an acceptable thing to say, and worse for being the sort of thing it’s difficult to challenge. Your DD is unique and special, not “average”. All children are. And she’s 5. She might have any number of talents and foibles up her sleeve that make her anything but “unremarkable”.

Oh this makes me so sad, your poor little girl!

She is remarkable, just not being given the opportunity to show it, which is always difficult in classes (so I'm not blaming the teacher).

Well you said it yourself 25 other kids, so she doesn’t stand out for either being good or naughty.
I think at that age the teacher should make sure they all get a certificate for something though.
Give her time she just has to find her niche.

Well there’s nothing wrong with being average ability. Nothing wrong with being quiet. Frankly being thoughtful and well behaved IS something to be celebrated. I wouldn’t be impressed if an infant school teacher described a child as unremarkable. It’s flippant and a little bit thoughtless and uncaring for a teacher to say this about a 5yr old and I would have challenged the comment. Sounds like the teacher could learn something from your DD!

I feel sad for your daughter that she's been called unremarkable by her teacher. She's 5! And quiet! She could have any number of talents and skills to develop.

I think that's more a reflection on her teachers than it is on her. I'm sure your DD is not "unremarkable". I've never met anyone who could justifiably be called "unremarkable" once you get to know them. Anyway, on the other hand, I'm just going to leave this here:

Born Yesterday
Philip Larkin

For Sally Amis

Tightly-folded bud,
I have wished you something
None of the others would:
Not the usual stuff
About being beautiful,
Or running off a spring
Of innocence and love —
They will all wish you that,
And should it prove possible,
Well, you’re a lucky girl.

But if it shouldn’t, then
May you be ordinary;
Have, like other women,
An average of talents:
Not ugly, not good-looking,
Nothing uncustomary
To pull you off your balance,
That, unworkable itself,
Stops all the rest from working.
In fact, may you be dull —
If that is what a skilled,
Vigilant, flexible,
Unemphasised, enthralled
Catching of happiness is called.

What a horrible thing to say. I'd have said something at the time

I would never describe a pupil as "unremarkable". I think that suggests the teacher doesn't really know your daughter very well and hasn't built up much of a rapport with her. I'm a teacher too and I would never use this word.

The teacher was wrong (and I’m another former teacher).

Your DD’s academic performance /contribution etc may indeed be unremarkable.

But I bet you could tell us something remarkable about her: her character; her personality; her habits?

OP your DD is not 'unremarkable', never let anyone tell you that!!

I'm not confrontational in at all, but no way would I sit silently and let someone say that about my child.

But I bet you could tell us something remarkable about her: her character; her personality; her habits?

She amazes me with the things she's learning at school, she seems to have amazing recall for information.

Only just read @Tableclothing’s post.

What a lovely, apossite post.

Absolutely awful choice of wording and I would say that she is remarkable for being a 5 year old who sounds studious and hardworking - whilst it may not set her ‘apart’ from her peers in a school environment they are two very important traits for life, in my opinion anyway.

I was the same in school at that age, I later discovered a love for drawing, so I obsessed over it and got pretty good, so then I was the “artistically gifted” child after that, no it wasn’t a gift, it was the result of a lot of single minded dedication.

Can't believe a teacher would say that about a 5 year old, bloody hell

Get her talking! Practise at home getting her to give an opinion, suggest an idea, speculate on a possibility.

Ask her at bedtime or after a meal to tell you what her best bit of the day was and why, and let her ask you.

Talk about her home reader, what she likes and dislikes, whether she'd like a character for a friend, what question she'd ask if she met them.

Explore new words together, calculate prices and change in the shops, notice mathematical shapes as you go for a walk.

Talking is the secret.

Every child is remarkable in their own way, what a stupid thing for the teacher to say! And at 5!! Your daughter sounds like she’s settled in really well to school which is no small feat in itself and she’s got plenty of time to develop her own interests and flourish.

You're DD is remarkable. She just hasn't had a chance to shine yet. She's only 5.

I saw a meme the other day but it actually resonated with me...

"Popcorn is prepared in the same pot, in the same heat, in the same oil and yet the kernels fo not all pop at the same time. Don't compare your child to others. Their time to pop is coming"

I don't think the teacher should have used the word unremarkable. It's a bit mean, and don't be true.

Your post really resonated with me - my ds2 was also "unremarkable" throughout the whole of primary school. Well behaved and polite, managed well enough academically (but not a stand-out), took part in several sports but, again, not a shining star in any. He did get some certificates to be fair, for things like 'helping' or 'kindness', which was totally fine.
I have to say that, since starting secondary school, he has absolutely grown into himself and is thriving in that environment. He knows how to work hard, and is so very well liked by all his teachers and peers. There's a place for everyone at his secondary school, and it's just suiting him a lot more than primary school did.
It's more than fine to be "average" - your DD will be developing skills all the time that you won't even know about yet

How lovely to have a child who is polite, well behaved and thoughtful. those are fantastic qualities and she's keeping up at school which is brilliant.

The teacher should give more encouragement and practical feedback. 'Unremarkable' what a strange thing to say about a 5yo.

This makes me want to cry. Your daughter is absolutely not "unremarkable". She is special and unique.

Also as a Rainbow leader I can say that no one is good or bad at Rainbows! We do sign up to care very much about the individual though so if your daughter needs a bit of a fuss (and we all do from time to time!) then it's definitely worth a quiet word with the leader who can pick her for a special job or honour.

as a parent of a child with severe autism/LDs and one with suspected HFA, anxiety and very challenging behaviours, I can assure you that you should thank your lucky starts. Not everyone can be top set and 'remarkable'. Having said that, both of mine are standing out - but for all the 'wrong' reasons if it makes sense.

and from what you wrote about her, she sounds lovely!!!!

How flipping rude! How dare she say that about your lovely, thoughtful and well behaved child.

Echoing the others. That would make my heart ache to hear. Your DD is not unremarkable (at 5!! FFS!). She is a unique person with her own abilities, talents and potential.

The teacher may have a limited understanding of who your DD really is, but I bet you have a much truer appreciation of her special qualities.

She has nearly all of her life to come, and anybody who thinks they have the measure of the person at 5 is, frankly, deluded.

I think the teacher should take her blinkers off. I don’t know if I might not, in your shoes, speak to her about your DD not getting any recognition, and ask her how the school can make sure they notice the good qualities of the quieter children.

It's a bit shit for a teacher to say a 5 year old is unremarkable

I think it's also really unfair to hold a celebration trip an exclude 4 year olds who haven't got a certificate. They are only little, at that age there should be ways for them all to get a certificate!

Your DD isn't unremarkable OP!

Thank you everyone, I'm not annoyed at the teacher it wasn't said in a snippy way or a critical way, I think it was a clumsy way of saying she's well behaved.

The celebration trip included everyone in the school who'd ever received a certificate, she didn't notice that it was happening because she wasn't invited so I didn't mention it, not sure if any of her friends went as I don't always do drop off and pick up.