To be both sad and happy my DD is “unremarkable”

[GreyCloudsandSunshine]

Said by her teacher during parents evening. She’s 5, in Year 1. Last year she never got a celebration certificate in assembly from the head –each week the head chooses people from each class, there’s no set amount of children chosen but DD has never been chosen--, she never got to the very top of the behaviour chart to earn extra house points, she didn’t get to do the celebration trip last year as she had never had a celebration certificate, but she also never got to the very bottom of the behaviour chart either.

Her Reception teacher said she was quiet, polite and well behaved. Her Year 1 teacher said she is quiet, thoughtful but unremarkable.

I am so very proud that she gets on with things and doesn’t draw attention to herself for bad things, but I am also sad that she’s seen as a little too quiet. She works hard, gets it done, but the teacher has 25 others in her class, some of whom have significant SN (It’s obvious with some of them due to the way they walk/speak) and I know of at least 1 who has significant behaviour issues (talked about on the parents whatsapp, the parent of said child apologises).

This is not against her teacher, or her Reception teacher, both seem lovely and I liked both. The Year 1 teacher knew who she was, and the way she described DD is very like her so I’m not concerned for that. She answers questions in class, but is never so exceptional or naughty that she gets recognised for that.

She isn’t good at anything in particular, she’s bang on where she should be in Literacy, a little behind in Numeracy but nothing to be overly worried about (her teachers words), she enjoys the other topics offered by the school. She does extracurricular activities; swimming, judo and rainbows, she’s neither good or bad at those. She’s just average. Which I like, but also makes me wonder what she has to do to be recognised, why is average not good enough?

Teacher is a fool to use that word, it says more about their powers of observation than it does a out your child. No child is the extra in the story of the bright stars of the class. They are all the stars of their own stories, and the teacher should be impartial enough to spend an equal amount of time learning them all, not just focusing on he ones that catch her eye.

If your child is happy and settled that is worth more than any certificate. She also has a mum who loves her and isn't hyper competitive - she's off to a brilliant start. Don't let one careless comment make you feel any sadness for her, she's just grand.

I think that’s out of order and a pointless thing to say. She’s only 5! That’s very young to be showing any unique or special talent. Besides, why should children need to be ‘remarkable’?

Perfectly put furminator

I was thinking this exact same thing about my daughter. Same age. Same year. Her elder sister has a lot of trouble going to school. She gets tons of attention. Because of the fuss she makes.

My youngest. Just gets on with it. She excels at maths. So she’s recognised for that. As she’s top of the class. But I thought the same

She gets on with it. Because she does. No one sees her....

At our school, the certificates are a fix really.
However minor the achievement, we make sure that each child gets one at least once.
Two are awarded each week, one for a 'value' (kindness, patience etc) and another for achievement (great phonics blah blah blah).
Sometimes a fairly wishy washy reason is given "tarquin waited patiently in the lunch line". But its not always about being the best at something or the highest acheiver, but giving a boost and keeping motivation for those that aren't always at the top of the pile.

Please be reassured that your daughter IS remarkable, she is truly amazing her own way and she is not in competition with anyone else, I have always instilled in my boys that they just need to be the best they can be. FYI... at primary school they had 8 remarkable kids who sat on the top table, always getting sent to the head, always star of the week, out of those children only 1 is now attending university, out of the rest of the unremarkable children including my own there are 15 children who have continued into further education 6 are at red brick universities.
Please believe me, I don't measure success on academic achievement but primary schools do and this shows how little they know.
My son went over 18 months without star of the week, was never sent to see the head or achieve any prizes, he's the nicest most thoughtful son and a great friend to his brother. He's now at university, made friends and seems happy, not bad for someone who was told by his year 5 teacher that too wasn't remarkable.
With encouragement your daughter will be a star on her terms.

In most schools unless your child is borderline genius, has learning disabilities or is just not very bright, they are lumped together as just "average" & in most cases are forgotten when it comes to awards. My ds was always well behaved, didn't create or expect a fuss, worked hard & did well. He may as well have been invisible as far as his teachers were concerned.

Terrible choice of words from the teacher. I’m surprised.

However, there’s nothing wrong with being quiet, getting on with things and not drawing attention. And nothing wrong with being of average ability either. She’s only little, lots of time for her to find the thing she shines at.

The Larkin poem quoted above made me well up, a lot of truth in that.

I also think it’s mean to have a reward like that that perfectly well behaved children aren’t invited too. Sends out entirely the wrong message.

What a stupid and unnecessary thing to say, she’s clearly lacking in imagination. I could probably say this about my DS age 20, just cracks on, has to work hard but gets there in the end. But his unassuming nature and sensitivity to others means he’s very popular and has tons of friends and girls love him too, as a friend, he’s immensely respectful and kind. I bet your daughter is lovely.

One of my DDs was like that. Always well behaved and quiet and hard working. Probably in the top 10 for every subject but not outstanding at anything. She was always overlooked because other people were either exceptionally good in a particular subject or were a nuisance and needed extra attention. It didn’t help that her older sister was a very, very talented athlete (so lots of kudos and celebrity at school) and also had mental health problems so even at home the older one got more attention and my steady, average, lovely little girl got less of our time.

She is an adult now and still a truly wonderful, reliable, kind woman but being overlooked so much has affected her confidence and self esteem a lot.

The teacher needs to work harder to know your child and find what is remarkable about her. It sounds like she is resilient, focussed, responsible, resourceful - good at doing the right thing.
The only unremarkable person is the teacher. Yes there will always be ‘average’ kids in terms of ability but they’re all unique. It’s the job of the teacher to spot her talents and shine a light on them.

My dad has never got over me being described by my reception teacher as a "good average".

He even threatened to send "that average cow" my degree results when I graduated - so I'm sure he'd sympathise with you here!

There’s no such thing as an unremarkable child (no matter how average) just understaffed schools.

DS2 was described as "very average" by one of his teachers in primary school. He's recently graduated with a First in Law, he's a qualified TEFL and he's been in a band that has played professionally at festivals around the country - gave that up to concentrate on his studies. He's lived independently since leaving school and has worked part time since 16, supporting himself all through Uni (because he wanted to, not because we are stingey).

Your daughter is not unremarkable, she has her talents and these will become more pronounced as she grows up. Her teacher on the other hand...

....and we scratch our heads wondering why kids in this day and age struggle with mental health! Please ignore the teachers comments. Love your daughter for all the great things she does do. She's very very young OP and needs nurturing. Her own special talents WILL be there for sure. Don't give those twatty ill thought comments your sadness, they are simply not worth it.
My own DD was academically brilliant but paled into insignificance within an environment of even stronger academic brilliance. She's an A star pupil studying at uni to be a doctor. Never got a single achievement award over 8 years and has terrible low self esteem. Please don't let it get to her.

I'm a key worker for a child like this and I am worried about when he goes to school. He's a lovely child, but he's reserved and not confident. He behaves well so he goes under the radar and I have to make a special effort to ask him questions, prompt him, listen to him (he talks quietly), but I am not dealing with that many children. I'm worried when he goes to school that he won't draw enough attention to himself, but he's a real little diamond.

No such thing as unremarkable kids, just unremarkable parents. It’s possible the teacher told you this to get you more involved.

Is the teacher insane?! Who says that about a 4 year old?

@Crabbitstick that might be a bit much to ask in a class of 25 five year olds with several children with additional needs. Would you noticed a quiet, easy child of average abilities in that circumstance? Teachers are still human, I don’t think that it’s fair to blame them where the system is at fault.

I think she sounds fab! She's still very young and her talents and interests won't have been discovered. Does she go to any extra curricular clubs. Perhaps this would give her a chance to shine.

I would never dream of describing any child I work with as "unremarkable"... especially not to that child's parent! It's a very strange choice of words. I think that with mainstream schools dealing with increasingly high levels of complex need (not just learning needs but also emotional issues, behaviour and child protection concerns) the quiet kids who don't struggle academically, but don't necessarily excell either, often get overlooked.

No such thing as unremarkable kids, just unremarkable parents. It’s possible the teacher told you this to get you more involved.

Wtaf? What the hells wrong with you. The OP is obviously very engaged with her child.

Nasty thing to say. Also; the kids with the “Celebration” certificates get to go on a special trip? That’s really shite . Especially when there’s no defined criteria for being worthy of celebration...
Bloody awful.

Also, I was like that as a child. Quiet and well behaved and generally ignored. I’m fine now but teachers always thought there was something wrong with me. There really wasn’t.

Teddybear45

No such thing as unremarkable anyone. What a ‘remarkable’ thing to say!