To be both sad and happy my DD is “unremarkable”

[GreyCloudsandSunshine]

Said by her teacher during parents evening. She’s 5, in Year 1. Last year she never got a celebration certificate in assembly from the head –each week the head chooses people from each class, there’s no set amount of children chosen but DD has never been chosen--, she never got to the very top of the behaviour chart to earn extra house points, she didn’t get to do the celebration trip last year as she had never had a celebration certificate, but she also never got to the very bottom of the behaviour chart either.

Her Reception teacher said she was quiet, polite and well behaved. Her Year 1 teacher said she is quiet, thoughtful but unremarkable.

I am so very proud that she gets on with things and doesn’t draw attention to herself for bad things, but I am also sad that she’s seen as a little too quiet. She works hard, gets it done, but the teacher has 25 others in her class, some of whom have significant SN (It’s obvious with some of them due to the way they walk/speak) and I know of at least 1 who has significant behaviour issues (talked about on the parents whatsapp, the parent of said child apologises).

This is not against her teacher, or her Reception teacher, both seem lovely and I liked both. The Year 1 teacher knew who she was, and the way she described DD is very like her so I’m not concerned for that. She answers questions in class, but is never so exceptional or naughty that she gets recognised for that.

She isn’t good at anything in particular, she’s bang on where she should be in Literacy, a little behind in Numeracy but nothing to be overly worried about (her teachers words), she enjoys the other topics offered by the school. She does extracurricular activities; swimming, judo and rainbows, she’s neither good or bad at those. She’s just average. Which I like, but also makes me wonder what she has to do to be recognised, why is average not good enough?

This is so annoying.
Whilst I was waiting at parents evening in year 1 or 2 I heard the teacher talking to the parent in front of me. She told her that her little girl 'was never going to set the world on fire'. I never said anything to the mum but it still annoys me 8 years later!

So, she's nice and she works hard and that's not enough for you?

I was told exactly this about my daughter and she was never naughty enough to earn behaviour points for sitting still. She slid through school unnoticed unappreciated and ignored until she did well in her gcses.The staff were baffled and begrudgingly gave her a place at sixth form. She went uni( not expected to get the grades) can you see a pattern here? And ended up with a first class degree and has a successful well paid job in the city. She was the child that no one took the time to get to know. It took a little while for her confidence to match her achievements but she's flying high now and greatly appreciated in her career.

What a stupid thing for the teacher to say.

Honestly, not everyone can come top at everything. Not everyone will stand out all the time. Some students are decidedly average in most ways, but that doesn't stop them being unique and loveable in their own ways, with their own quirks and likes and dislikes. Many average and non stand out children are a delight in their own way, thoughtful, quietly confident, polite, friendly, they look out for others and display such kindness.

I can understand the idea of a child being unremarkable academically or extra-curricularly, and I'd rather have an accurate reflection than some hyped up false view, but to be so blunt and not acknowledge a child's many other traits is poor communication at best and really mean at worst.

Unremarkable is a word I might use to describe an average day at work not a person! I think the choice of words says way more about the teacher than the child.

@Velveteenfruitbowl I teach in high school so have contact with over 200 kids a week - some for just an hour a week - I’ll know something about them all by end of year. Poor if someone can’t manage that with 25 kids they spend everyday with. Yes SN kids take up a lot of time and energy but you still need to work at knowing all others. I suspect/hope it was just a clumsy choice of word from teacher but pretty sad any way you look at it.

I don't think the teacher was being mean . I think it's just that your dd is introverted and needs to assert herself more
In saying that I'd be secretly heartbroken if my dc was described as 'unremarkable ' as when it's your own dc it all gets quite personal.

Hang on. Your child comes home and tells you what they've learnt. That's really remarkable. Most can't remember 😊

Just forget the silly remark and treasure your daughter for the wonder she is. As long as she's enjoying school and isn't feeling left out by the way teacher that's the most important thing at this age.

I don't think the teacher was being mean I think it's just that your dd is introverted and needs to assert herself more
Why should quieter children have to change their personality to be noticed and appreciated?

As a teacher I absolutely hate the idea that quiet children need to be louder, speak out more etc. Some of them at just quieter and that's valuable.

I am in a senior leadership role in a school and I’d be having serious words with any teacher who said a child was unremarkable. Quiet, unassuming, generous in how she allows others to take centre stage, kind, knowledgeable, hardworking, has a great memory, enjoys learning new things - all things I can pick up about your daughter just from what you’ve shared. She sounds lovely. Incidentally most of our teachers keep a class list and ensure EVERY child is recognised at some point in the year as they all have characteristics worth celebrating.

At 5, I think it's pretty meaningless. At that age my DD's teacher told me she wouldn't expect a child like that to learn the list of words they're supposed to learn in Reception. I had to teach her to read myself. She later got music and academic scholarships to private school, and is applying to Oxbridge. Be prepared to encourage her to do stuff out of school.

I don't think the teacher was being mean . I think it's just that your dd is introverted and needs to assert herself more

Why should she? It's who she is. Why should she change? For whose benefit?

Your daughter sounds lovely, and a little like my daughter was (and I was a generation before her!). Still waters ran deep with both of us. I’d have wanted my DD to be friends with your DD. I hope she does have friends, OP.
The teacher was very unprofessional to use language like ‘unremarkable’. And I think it’s dreadful your DD didn’t get recognition for basically just getting on with things and being ‘no trouble’ rather than ‘unremarkable’,because that’s what it sounds like; she’s no trouble. Grrrrr on your behalf!

I think that with mainstream schools dealing with increasingly high levels of complex need....the quiet kids who don't struggle academically, but don't necessarily excell either, often get overlooked.

If it any consolation, ime, many children with complex needs get overlooked and royally fucked over by a mainstream education system that can never support them...so, yay.

Let your dad be the judge of that!

She's 5 fffs! Sounds as if she is a lovely and well behaved child. It often seems in this day and age that unless you're adept at attention seeking that you're a write off! Well behaved children are the minority and are beginning to be treated as such.

Dreadful choice of words about your dd. What a ridiculous thing to say about a child. Why does everything have to be about being the ‘best’ these days?! Sounds to me like your dd is doing exactly what she should be. She needs encouragement from her teacher, not badly thought out throw away comments , that ultimately could be quite damaging to her.

My dd had an issue with one of the girls in her class a couple of years ago, and her teacher said all the other girls in the class have ‘strong characters’ ...well what does my dd have then? A weak character?? adults need to choose their words very carefully when talking about children.

Lolasmiles ...... As a teacher I absolutely hate the idea that quiet children need to be louder, speak out more etc. Some of them at just quieter and that's valuable.

That’s lovely

It's true cherry.
Sometimes we do need to help them develop ways to express themselves if they find themselves becoming wallflowers who cant discuss or share ideas, but that's totally different to that horribly generic feedback of "should put their hand up more in class / should talk more with peers".

As another poster said, there are ways to communicate that it's fine to be quiet and average in a way that is positive and values the child rather than defaulting to a norm of loud and chatty for reference.

That's a dreadful (& in my school, completely unacceptable!) word to use when describing a 5yr old child to their parents!!! Makes me so mad that quiet, well behaved, 'get on with it & always do the right thing' children just get overlooked because they're not extreme enough at either end of the scale to be fully noticed. SO unfair. Why should they have to change who they are, to be 'seen'?

I think that she's probably not remarkable. The vast vast majority of the world population are unremarkable. Unremarkable, although not the best choice of word, indicates someone who just doesn't stand out or isn't demanding. Someone who is normal and fairly atypical. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that whatsoever!! I agree that we should teach kids this.

As a friend recently said to me:
"Cor, look, am I the best looking person in the world? Clearly not! But, do I have an amazing personality and am I a great person? No! But do I get up each day and try to be the very best version of myself that I can be? .... Also No!"

My daughter’s year 2 teacher said that about her too, ‘very average’ they said. I rebelled internally but, as a non teacher in a family of teachers, I didn’t want to be ‘that parent’ so I didn’t challenge. But i knew that she wasn't ‘average’.

She’s fully grown now, hardworking, sporty, got a good degree, job, home, friends, relationship. She is a fabulous young woman, not necessarily remarkable but achieving way above the National average in multiple ways.

@StockTakeFucks

Her own benefit as she gets older and has to face the world on her own as an adult of course.

Because no introvert or quiet adults face the world on their own?

I don’t like the use of “unremarkable”. I also don’t like the sound of the celebration thing - it’s weird to only reward children who’ve stood out.

I think it’s easy to feel as though loads of other children are super talented or stand out in some way because those children tend to be the ones you notice first. However, most children (and people) are average. There isn’t anything wrong with that.

This is a nice girl who works hard and is meeting expectations. Good for her. She sounds terrific.

Op it’s your child’s teacher not your child that’s the problem. I am a teacher and my jaw dropped at the word unremarkable. I would never say that to a parent. Sometimes children slip through the net because a child is quiet, well behaved and doesn’t stand out in a class of 30 but it is the teachers job to be aware of every child in their class and seek out the remarkable. She is 5, what a horrible way to write her off.