To be both sad and happy my DD is “unremarkable”

[GreyCloudsandSunshine]

Said by her teacher during parents evening. She’s 5, in Year 1. Last year she never got a celebration certificate in assembly from the head –each week the head chooses people from each class, there’s no set amount of children chosen but DD has never been chosen--, she never got to the very top of the behaviour chart to earn extra house points, she didn’t get to do the celebration trip last year as she had never had a celebration certificate, but she also never got to the very bottom of the behaviour chart either.

Her Reception teacher said she was quiet, polite and well behaved. Her Year 1 teacher said she is quiet, thoughtful but unremarkable.

I am so very proud that she gets on with things and doesn’t draw attention to herself for bad things, but I am also sad that she’s seen as a little too quiet. She works hard, gets it done, but the teacher has 25 others in her class, some of whom have significant SN (It’s obvious with some of them due to the way they walk/speak) and I know of at least 1 who has significant behaviour issues (talked about on the parents whatsapp, the parent of said child apologises).

This is not against her teacher, or her Reception teacher, both seem lovely and I liked both. The Year 1 teacher knew who she was, and the way she described DD is very like her so I’m not concerned for that. She answers questions in class, but is never so exceptional or naughty that she gets recognised for that.

She isn’t good at anything in particular, she’s bang on where she should be in Literacy, a little behind in Numeracy but nothing to be overly worried about (her teachers words), she enjoys the other topics offered by the school. She does extracurricular activities; swimming, judo and rainbows, she’s neither good or bad at those. She’s just average. Which I like, but also makes me wonder what she has to do to be recognised, why is average not good enough?

I’m a teacher and I would never in a million years describe any child as unremarkable. What an awful thing to say!

Really shit wording from the teacher. Just as bad as the practice of not giving everyone some kind of certificate/recognition/treat etc.

I know it's easy to overlook the quiet kids that just get on with it (I've got 32 of them in the class I'm in) , but it doesn't mean that they aren't worth the effort. It doesn't mean that they don't need cheering on, praise etc.

She might be average, so what? It doesn't mean she should be overlooked. Quite the contrary it would be so easy to use her as an example of behaviour,manners etc.

If you can ,reward her at home randomly for any little achievements you get told about.

It's a shame but a sad fact that children who stay under the radar but keep up a good average, tend to be overlooked when it comes to awards of any kind. I've known that with children of friends of mine and they all feel pretty shit about it.

I have to tell you about my son (forty later this month!), he was not well behaved - not in a violent or disruptive way but skived off regularly, only did minimum of work and often couldn't be found! I often had phone calls from school. He was a nice chap, everyone said that but the school expected more of him because of being clever. However he had a couple of particular talents for which he won prizes and became something of a star! I can see how that would have appeared unfair to those who worked hard and were average, although I and his dad were pleased, we were also a bit embarrassed.

I'm afraid that is life.

I don't know what you can do about it, probably nothing. The teacher shouldn't have said your daughter was 'unremarkable' though I doubt she meant it in a derogatory way. She probably couldn't find the right words. I do wish there were prizes for children who are reliable and kind, those qualities are priceless, but generally, there aren't.

You make a big fuss of her for being such a good girl. This will pass and if your daughter goes on the same way as she is at the moment, she is likely to do quite well in later life. She is only five for goodness sake! Bless her heart.

for you.

She shouldn’t have said that, but this - She works hard, gets it done, but the teacher has 25 others in her class, some of whom have significant SN is out of order. What point are you making here? That these kids are the reason yours isn’t at the top of the class?

Surprised you can diagnose them just by looking.

Rubbish slip up from the teacher. I’m glad you’re not too upset with her. I’ve yet to meet a child, who is unremarkable.

@MintyMabel she was trying to excuse the teacher as being busy, having her attention split 25 ways and having quite a few children that need extra attention,praise,support etc.

I think OP was being quite charitable.

Born Yesterday by Philip Larkin

unremarkable

That teacher needs re-education.

Your child is definitely remarkable. Start putting in her planner/notes to the teacher 'X is remarkably happy in school'. 'X did remarkably well in her hobby class this weekend'. 'X sang remarkably well at a family party'.

she was trying to excuse the teacher as being busy, having her attention split 25 ways and having quite a few children that need extra attention,praise,support etc.

No different to any other teacher.

*She shouldn’t have said that, but this - She works hard, gets it done, but the teacher has 25 others in her class, some of whom have significant SN is out of order. What point are you making here? That these kids are the reason yours isn’t at the top of the class?

Surprised you can diagnose them just by looking.*

I'm not diagnosing by looking, some of them you can tell and the school is very inclusive which is what I love about it. I don't want DD to be the top of the class if she is unable to reach that, I did say I am proud of the way she is.

She sounds exactly like my dd.
I’m very happy with my lot.

In this crazy world I actually see being steady as a wonderful achievement which will stand to her more than ‘awards’.

Grey, I had a little girl just like yours - I still clearly remember the teacher's words at her Year 1 parents' evening, said in front of her:
'she is a little behind but we do have some very able children in this class'.
I remember smarting at what I felt was the easy dismissal of my lovely daughter but said nothing.

DD was happy, quiet and just got on with things throughout primary school. One of the 'forgotten middle' in large classes. In secondary school most of the parents' evenings elicited generic comments from teachers who couldn't really seem to remember anything noteworthy about her. It was only really from GCSEs that she started to blossom. She changed schools for 6th form and there was no stopping her!

That little girl is now 18 and has just finished her first week at Cambridge University.

Like your DD, my daughter grew up valued by us for who she was. Don't let your view of her, or worse, her view of herself, be affected by this teacher's comment. I wish I could go back to that teacher 12 years ago and show her how wrong she was!

Your DD is still so young- she will develop her own unique personality, interests and talents, whatever they may be - enjoy watching her grow :)

I knew of a child,* whose parents were told that she was "backward" (had a learning disability) who reading was far behind other children, who couldn't spell correctly from the board, who wondered round the class... because no one realized until she was in the top class that she couldn't see - the girl got her glasses within a couple of years she caught up & was in the top groups at high school - sometimes some teachers in primary school don't recognise the potential of the children they work with or the problems they have. Children (thank god) are all wonderfully different & develop at different speeds & the change of environment between primary & high school or between high school and vocational courses came allow them to shine. or life or just being themselves. A happy child who does their best who is a good person who goes onto live a happy productive life is a success & your princess is a success :)
Please note most teachers are hard working good people who do the best for their students & don't undermine them - even by saying something tactless.
The child I talked about later went back to university as a very mature student & did very OK * & remembers that teacher & wishes just once she could say something to them

Sad all around.
Far too much expectation and pressure on such a young child’s shoulders.

I’m not keen on only kids with celebration certificates getting to go on a trip. That’s unfair. The certificate should be it’s own reward.

It’s always the case that quiet, well behaved, conforming girls get ignored in class because the teacher has kids with ‘bigger personalities’ (hate that phrase) or behaviour issues to deal with.

I’m sure your dd is remarkable. Bloody stupid thing for the teacher to say. She’s 5, ffs.

Sorry Op, but this says a lot more about the teacher than it does about your DD! What a thoughtless person- they should be ashamed of themselves!

I would never say this about a child. In my experience it is the quiet, well behaved, compliant children that in the end achieve the most.

Former teacher here. I wouldn't want my child in that class. The teacher should be finding out what makes her tick, not dismissing her like this.
It is one thing to be realistic but another to be so uninspiring. Children tend to believe what adults say about them.
Can she change forms?

I'm gobsmacked that a teacher would describe a child as "unremarkable". I'm astounded that a parent would accept it and post that they are proud that their 5 year old has been described as "unremarkable" 😱

I have no words ....so I'll leave it there 🤦‍♀️

That’s a horrible thing to say!!!!!! She’s a dickkkkkk

She amazes me with the things she's learning at school, she seems to have amazing recall for information

I think that’s worth mentioning at the next parent’s evening.

Wish I had amazing recall

What a shitty thing for a teacher to say about a 5 year old child!

wow how awful to describe a child that way.

What a horrible word to use about your child. I would have been fuming!! Probably, like you, wouldn't have said anything at the time because I would have been very taken aback.

I would send an email to the head though to say that using a word like that about your child was quite upsetting.

That really is an astounding horrible way to describe a conscientious child who is obviously at age related expectations in all her lessons. I just hope it was a momentary lapse on the part of the teacher who chose her words poorly. As a teacher I’ve had to choose my words careful at parents evening about some children but unremarkable seems particularly cruel.

A truly bizarre way to describe a child.

I have welled up at the thought of someone using such a word to describe a little child.

She sounds great, as you well know OP.

I can definitely tell you that whilst you may have a sense of their nature and personality, my children have utterly surprised me as they have gone through the the years.

I'm sure that's the same for lots of parents.

The difference between a child at 5 and a young adult at 18 is truly extraordinary.

She sounds like a happy little thing. That's pretty remarkable in any child.
💐