To be both sad and happy my DD is “unremarkable”

[GreyCloudsandSunshine]

Said by her teacher during parents evening. She’s 5, in Year 1. Last year she never got a celebration certificate in assembly from the head –each week the head chooses people from each class, there’s no set amount of children chosen but DD has never been chosen--, she never got to the very top of the behaviour chart to earn extra house points, she didn’t get to do the celebration trip last year as she had never had a celebration certificate, but she also never got to the very bottom of the behaviour chart either.

Her Reception teacher said she was quiet, polite and well behaved. Her Year 1 teacher said she is quiet, thoughtful but unremarkable.

I am so very proud that she gets on with things and doesn’t draw attention to herself for bad things, but I am also sad that she’s seen as a little too quiet. She works hard, gets it done, but the teacher has 25 others in her class, some of whom have significant SN (It’s obvious with some of them due to the way they walk/speak) and I know of at least 1 who has significant behaviour issues (talked about on the parents whatsapp, the parent of said child apologises).

This is not against her teacher, or her Reception teacher, both seem lovely and I liked both. The Year 1 teacher knew who she was, and the way she described DD is very like her so I’m not concerned for that. She answers questions in class, but is never so exceptional or naughty that she gets recognised for that.

She isn’t good at anything in particular, she’s bang on where she should be in Literacy, a little behind in Numeracy but nothing to be overly worried about (her teachers words), she enjoys the other topics offered by the school. She does extracurricular activities; swimming, judo and rainbows, she’s neither good or bad at those. She’s just average. Which I like, but also makes me wonder what she has to do to be recognised, why is average not good enough?

Terrible choice of word for your dd If she is thoughtful enough for it to be remarked on by the teacher, then surely that's remarkable in itself?!

She actually used the word 'unremarkable'?? That's awful. I'm a teacher, I would never describe a pupil in such a horribly dismissive and negative way, never mind to a parent!

Hopefully it was a slip of the tongue and she wouldn't say that on purpose, sometimes your brain gets fried during parents evenings. If you're feeling upset about it then a quick email or call to the head wouldn't be amiss to make sure the teacher communicates more appropriately in future.

Well giving the teacher the benefit of doubt she obviously chose her wording incorrectly.
Your dd will have remarkable things about her if only they looked.
Not that the teacher should be looking, they could come to the fore in other situations.

I would speak to the head about your concerns for the average child, and their system for praise, it does seem to be the norm in many schools and is totally wrong.

I think it’s quite remarkable in this day and age that your daughter at five, seems to be consistently polite, well behaved and interested in learning.

I’m married to a teacher and my daughter is in reception year. I don’t buy into all this “everyone deserves a prize” nonsense however, I’d have said something to the teacher. Unremarkable is such a shit word to use about anyone let alone a small kid.
That’s lousy teaching and I’d raise that as an issue with the head personally.

Your daughter will excel at something along the line. She’s just not got to it yet!!!! 💜

Having been a teacher, albeit at secondary where often I've only had an hour per week with a class, probably no more than 35 hours per year, it can be very difficult to get to know the quiet children who tick along nicely, especially if there is a significant core who take up a lot more attention. At primary school, the teacher has already spent more hours in their class' company than some KS3 teachers do in a year! Unremarkable is a crude and unflattering way to describe a child who meets expectations and does a decent job. Long term those children should have the skills to do well in the world, and at primary there are many years ahead to find your niche.

It is easy to overlook the quiet, average children, but they are the ones that make or break a class. When they are quietly conforming and working independently they make a class much easier to manage and it is well worth making the effort to acknowledge and celebrate the generally good eggs even if they don't excel at any particular thing.

My DC's school have two stars of the week so every child should get it twice. Occasionally there is a theme, but most weeks the criteria are quite open. Some reasons are very specific, some are just for the quietly doing the job well type of reasons.

One person's opinion about a five year old! A teacher at my dc's primary school said this about the child of a professionally successful and lovely, friendly, happy woman. I remember thinking the teacher must have been trying to take the wind out of the child's mother's sails. Due to her own emotional inadequacies. Bizarre to assess a child so young as "unremarkable". Ignore that nonsense OP

Just wait - remarkable achievements come largely from interest and determination, rather than natural talent. She will probably grow up to be the more remarkable than many of her classmates and you will be able to enjoy a satisfied smugness over how little this teacher knew or understood her.

That wouldnt bother me. There is no point teachers telling everyone there kids are special so I'd rather have honest assessment. I don't think it is an insulting word.

How many 5 year olds would you describe as "remarkable" anyway? She has plenty of time to achieve amazing things. More likely she won't and that is fine. If everyone was remarkable then it wouldnt be remarkable.

Your DD is in the best possible place. Being average means she is bang on where she should be. You should feel very proud.

The children who get celebrated and loads of stars and on the gold spot or whatever, are usually also the ones who are freuqently in trouble etc.. and the rewards are usually bribes. (Well done Oscar, gold star for not hitting anyone today...)

When DS comes home I always ask him if he got any stars/rewards etc today, or of he got his name on the cloud etc... When he says 'nothing' I always say well done!! And the more 'nothings' there are, the more it reassures me he's just getting on with it, which is good!!!

These 'unremarkable' kids of ours will grow up well rounded, polite, hard working and happy. I am sure of it

She sounds absolutely lovely.

Well adjusted, having no need to act out, contained and quietly sure of who she is.

We need many more of your amazing little girl. Well done OP for producing such a wonderful child x

she should get a certificate for being polite and well behaved . Being praised surely is about all aspects of school so personally I think those attributes at least should be recognised . If the school don't do it perhaps you should have a system at home and have your own special reward for being hard working well behaved and having good manners . After all a lot of children at that age don't achieve that.

We never get told the reason for the celebration certificate, the names without surnames are written in the newsletter and certificates sent home in bags, that's how I know DD has never had one. I will speak to the head about what DD has to do to get one, she'd love one.

I won't complain about the teacher as I said I think she just clumsily worded what she was trying to say about DD being hard working.

This makes me so mad. Your DD is 5! She shouldn't be reduced to KS1 targets ffs. She is remarkable - she's your daughter. I'd send an email to the school once you're feeling calm explaining that perhaps the teacher needs to consider the language he/she uses more!!

It reminds me when I was on mat leave and on a walk. I met an elderly lady and she said " oh I remember this age. You think they are the best thing ever. Then they grow up to be totally ordinary" I was so flabbergasted. I just thought your poor kids.

Anyway...

Mine too. She just gets on with it.
She even said to me the other day that she and her friend were thinking of being "naughty" so they could get a head teachers award

How very thoughtless of the teachers. If anyone is unremarkable it's them. You really need to mention that what they said was not the kindest or encouraging remark . "Not remarkable" could also be described as a good, solid, hardworking member of the class. I bet your daughter is wonderful.

That makes me so sad.
At my DCs Infant school everyone got to be Star of the week at least once a year (even if with some children it was a struggle to spot the good), and everyone got at least one "Kindness certificate" nominated by the TAs. And school was apologetic when I commented that there wasn't a single piece of work by my son, who had awful handwriting, on the wall. Those little things are important, and never being noticed must destroy self confidence.

My DD was quiet and well behaved too. One day when I was collecting her from reception class there were several children coming out with gold stickers and I asked her if she had, had any stickers. She said no but don't worry mummy the stickers are just for the naughty children. She has always been very perseptive, but it took until secondary school for her to be confident enough to share her views with others, sometimes to my horror.

My youngest is just about to leave school, so I've had two go through the education system. The only thing I can say is, it is a marathon and not a sprint! Your DD is ONLY 5, she has plenty of time to shine and she will, just as soon as she finds her "thing". Her teacher was absolutely in the wrong, ever child is remarkable in some way, and it was unconscionable of teacher to say what she did.

Posts like this make me want to home school my child when she's school age. Unremarkable by their standards? I'd be fuming not sad.

OP I have empathy.

My DD was an " unremarkable child".
She also had speech problems, speech therapy during the early years, average in school, awful at spelling.
Constantly overlooked at school, despite trying her best, she was painfully shy and still had speech difficulties.
She had a huge empathy for people, animals, was loving, giving, always knew how to make someone smile. Had a huge heart.
I took her to dance lessons when she was 5, I thought it may be a way to express herself without her word difficulties.
She loved dancing, took exams, never a distinction, never top of the class but solidly stuck at her hobby for years.
I always believed in her.
I could see her light.
She worked hard in secondary school, still danced, with the help of some amazing teachers ( and my support) she grew.
By 17 she was working part time at her dance school . A few months later she was voted head girl in her final year at school- and dance captain at her dance school.
Her final year grades were Bs and Cs , but because of a gruelling system of interview - she was accepted to study child nursing at University.
She is in her second year at Uni, loving and embracing the work. She has also taken dance teaching exams and works many hours part time for her dance school- and elsewhere earning a huge hourly rate.
I don't post this to boast OP, but simply show what can be done with being "average" or " unremarkable".
Have trust and faith that average is good enough.

With my username I couldn’t let this pass. Unremarkable doesn’t mean there’s not a million things wonderful about your DD. Just that the teacher can’t see them. Sometimes unremarkable is great though 😉

Unremarkable

You speak wise words.

That sounds like my DD. Quietist, hard working, keen to please, makes friends easily.

I think kids like that get overlooked in large classes. I bet she's smarter and more talented than her teachers give her credit for, don't write her off!

PS - my DD's 11 now and really beginning to shine in some subjects and sports, as well as being more outgoing.

She sounds lovely op. My son (4) is probably quite similar. He is quiet and well behaved and average developmentally for most things and probably unremarkable to his preschool teachers. But he is extremely special to me.

My niece was extremely gifted throughout her primary education and now, at 15, is suffering quite badly with mental illness so I am very aware of not comparing and valuing each child for their own gifts be they academic or otherwise.

Also I'm a teacher and would never dream of calling a child unremarkable. All children I have ever taught have been remarkable in some way.

It's not about shining, it's not about her "thing" or discovering a hidden talent or whatever.

The things she does and likes are her "thing". That might change or not, it's irrelevant.

Her good behaviour,her attitude to learning,her politeness should be good enough and should be praised and noticed. She should be noticed.

All these comments just reinforce that her time will come, because who she is now is not enough. It bloody well is. A good school and a good teacher should be able to recognise and praise that.