To be both sad and happy my DD is “unremarkable”

[GreyCloudsandSunshine]

Said by her teacher during parents evening. She’s 5, in Year 1. Last year she never got a celebration certificate in assembly from the head –each week the head chooses people from each class, there’s no set amount of children chosen but DD has never been chosen--, she never got to the very top of the behaviour chart to earn extra house points, she didn’t get to do the celebration trip last year as she had never had a celebration certificate, but she also never got to the very bottom of the behaviour chart either.

Her Reception teacher said she was quiet, polite and well behaved. Her Year 1 teacher said she is quiet, thoughtful but unremarkable.

I am so very proud that she gets on with things and doesn’t draw attention to herself for bad things, but I am also sad that she’s seen as a little too quiet. She works hard, gets it done, but the teacher has 25 others in her class, some of whom have significant SN (It’s obvious with some of them due to the way they walk/speak) and I know of at least 1 who has significant behaviour issues (talked about on the parents whatsapp, the parent of said child apologises).

This is not against her teacher, or her Reception teacher, both seem lovely and I liked both. The Year 1 teacher knew who she was, and the way she described DD is very like her so I’m not concerned for that. She answers questions in class, but is never so exceptional or naughty that she gets recognised for that.

She isn’t good at anything in particular, she’s bang on where she should be in Literacy, a little behind in Numeracy but nothing to be overly worried about (her teachers words), she enjoys the other topics offered by the school. She does extracurricular activities; swimming, judo and rainbows, she’s neither good or bad at those. She’s just average. Which I like, but also makes me wonder what she has to do to be recognised, why is average not good enough?

OP:

Your DD sounds lovely
and the whole world of opportunity is open before her

The teacher however, sounds a bit shit, unless she'd had a bad day at the office

Sometimes talents/interests don't come out until a bit older. I only found out last year that my 10yo is a talented long distance runner. She also recently started girl guides which isn't something I would have thought she enjoyed but she's loving it. She has also become really interested in climate change and carbon footprint. At 5 she was into my little pony and dressing up.

Havent RTFT yet but from the OP alone I just had to say this: OP, your DD sounds like an absolute little darling, and the teacher is either an idiot or made a bad word choice. Being quiet and getting on with things does not an unremarkable person make! In fact, it's a great quality to have and you should be so proud that shes demonstrating that so early. Huge difference between 'not requiring constant attention' and being 'unremarkable' (I'm actually almost irrationally annoyed )
Also just had to say, dont worry at all about her seemingly not having found her 'thing' yet, where she excels. There are years and years and years for that discovery to come!
Big hug to you and your DD!

What the teacher said was appalling but you really shouldn’t worry. At 4 my son’s nursery told me he was of below average intelligence - he’s now in grammar school. 5 is too young to tell anything but you must look for her strengths and remind her of these so she feels good about herself.

What an absolutely stupid, and quite frankly meaningless, thing to say. Don't let your daughter know this is what her teacher thinks of her, and don't worry yourself over the comment. At 5 kids should not even be in school, pre-school would be more appropriate developmentally, most European children don't start till 6 or 7. Ignore, and let your daughter be her unique, remarkable self.

I think it’s an awful thing to say of a very young child and fairly surprising that a parent might be pleased to hear that. No child is unremarkable- makes her sound invisible and unworthy of attention.
Sometimes slow and steady gets the prize.
Find the successes to give her praise and build on the good things she does.
Go back to teacher and ask her if she is really so unobservant or inarticulate that she cannot find something particularly special to your daughter.
Being damned by feint praise at five is shocking.

Op I live that no one noticed it was a zombie that you updated. I love that the teacher has got to know dd better now, and I’m glad that you are a bit reassured! Those first parent evenings are very early! May she thrive and be recognized for the rest of her schooling

My DD was unremarkable... her science teacher wasn't even sure she was in their class. She now has an offer at Oxford to study Fine Art and is expected to get 3 x A*. It just took until she was 14 to see that while they saw a shy quiet child, she was busy observing people and situations.

As previous posters have said it is difficult to know where people's talents and interests lie at such a young age. I didn't find mine until I was 40....

OP I haven't read the full thread. DD didn't shine at primary. At secondary in Y7 the head actually told me she was an unremarkable child. The choirmaster at our church said her voice was unremarkable.

At A'Level she dropped 7 UMS points taking 3A*s and got a distinction for grade 8 voice. At footlights she has had a standing ovation and has sung solos at her College.

Some peaked at 5, 7, 9, etc., others see all, hear all and build on raw material. Sadly there are some fucking unkind people in the education system.

DS was referred to as “average” in year one. He’s continued to be an “invisible child” throughout primary school. He’s impeccably behaved but is always one of the last to get star of the week, even after the child who threatened to bring a knife on to stab DS with 🤨. He’s always on the second table but never makes the top tables (well until year 6)... In September he shocked everyone by passing his 11+ With no tutoring to be one of only 3 out of 8 children in his class to get into the grammar school. TBH, I’d always thought he was a bright boy but had listened to his teachers and thought maybe I just thought he was bright because I’m his mum.

So my advice is to ignore people who don’t see the good points about your child, quiet children are so often overlooked ☹️.

Ridiculous thing for a teacher to say. How thoughtless!

Celebration certificate is shit esp with a trip that just sucks. So shes basically a model pupil? That's not unremarkable. I'd be happy with that

Your daughter sounds just fine and I'm sure you've come home happy from school if the teacher hadn't made such an unnecessary comment.

I wasn’t familiar with that Philip Larkin poem but think it is beautiful. I don’t really see how it is inappropriate because Sally Amis didn’t achieve in life what Larkin wished for her. Sorry felt compelled comment on that!

Everyone has something special about them. But for many it's not spotted in their childhood. So she might come across as unremarkable at the moment... But she isn't. Just let her try out new experiences and discover herself on what she likes.

One of my children was 'unremarkable' during primary. And quiet/shy. He was pretty much invisible.

Dreaded secondary school cos I thought he'd totally disappear. Hated parents evening, one time the teacher waxed lyrical about another child.

But at secondary they spotted what he loved (something they don't do in primary school) and have encouraged him in the last few years.
Next week he's travelling from 'up North to London with one of the teachers as he's presenting his work to a panel of 3 CEO' s. I'm like 'OMG' and so proud. He's like 'get over yourself mother'.

Keep loving, encouraging and let your gorgeous girl discover what she loves and that will be her uniqueness.

And I say this and I'm still looking for what I'm good at.

Dreadful. It's rare I'd criticise a fellow teacher but that's bang out of order. Shocking lack of professionalism. You're daughter is, of course, remarkable in her own way. She sounds like a wonderful little girl 🥰

My DD got this in year 2 ‘she’s an average little girl’. I bristled at that at the time, it felt dismissive, but was well trained by my primary school teacher sisters not to say anything. I knew she wasn’t average. Nothing wrong with being average but she was bright, sporty, articulate. Both her parents in professional jobs. Deeply average in our cohort, nothing special but taken across society as a whole, definitely achieving above average.

And so did she. More than 20 years on she’s got a good degree, in a challenging job, got her own home and doing well. Also a beautiful, vibrant, interesting, caring young woman. What is average anyway?

I think there are better ways to put it. My DD is average academically at the moment, but the teacher says ‘she is right where she needs to be in terms of progress’. She is also a quiet, unconfident child but the teacher has told me that she has good ideas when she has the courage to share them. She has also commented on how kind and supportive she is to other children. So I come away from parents evening feeling proud and happy, despite the fact that she is saying she shines at anything particularly. That teacher should have taken more trouble to notice the small positives rather than implying that there weren’t any.

I'm glad that my rational rage here has been reflected in most other posts. This really pissed me off. The cheek of her...

4 children and 35 teachers later.... and not one of the teacher's I have come within a hundred miles of, would ever dream of being so offensive.

OP, I'm sure your daughter is a lovely child, who will be an asset wherever she goes.

She sounds so lovely. The teacher was very unreasonable for saying unremarkable, she should've finished on "quiet and polite". Your DD is so young, she may end up being exceptional at something. Or she may not, which is fine too!

That’s a terrible thing to say! When my son was 5, I felt sorry for him too- he was 2nd top of the class, so didn’t get any academic awards even though he was/is smart and was so quiet he was always overlooked for things- some children got “star of the week” 3 times and he’d never had it! At 11, he’s rated #7 in the country for his chosen sport, and is truly flourishing through it. At 5 there was no signs he would have that talent.
Your DD is still so little, her personality is still developing! It’s so exciting to watch them grow and find their interests and passions.

4 years ago Dd's Yr 1 teacher told me DD was 'average'.
Reception teacher had highlighted dd's literacy skills and teachers in Yrs 2-4 have all placed her in the 'working beyond' bracket.
What this woman thinks is really not important in the scheme of things. She sounds like she needs a lesson in what is appropriate to say about a child and what is downright rude.
There's plenty of time for your daughter to shine.
In my experience I've found ( particularly in the case of my DS) that children can start to excel and shine more in class if they are taught by a teacher they find interesting and who really engages them.
Perhaps your DD finds this teacher and the teaching style 'unremarkable'.

At our school, every child at that age gets a certificate/star of the week for something, so that each term no child is missed out. We can't all be a child progidy! I am sad too that the teacher said that. On our parents evenings we get a comments/feedback type form with the written report, I'd have definitely said something on that. It's still not too late for you to feedback on it. She sounds like a lovely little girl with lots of positive attributes!