To be both sad and happy my DD is “unremarkable”

[GreyCloudsandSunshine]

Said by her teacher during parents evening. She’s 5, in Year 1. Last year she never got a celebration certificate in assembly from the head –each week the head chooses people from each class, there’s no set amount of children chosen but DD has never been chosen--, she never got to the very top of the behaviour chart to earn extra house points, she didn’t get to do the celebration trip last year as she had never had a celebration certificate, but she also never got to the very bottom of the behaviour chart either.

Her Reception teacher said she was quiet, polite and well behaved. Her Year 1 teacher said she is quiet, thoughtful but unremarkable.

I am so very proud that she gets on with things and doesn’t draw attention to herself for bad things, but I am also sad that she’s seen as a little too quiet. She works hard, gets it done, but the teacher has 25 others in her class, some of whom have significant SN (It’s obvious with some of them due to the way they walk/speak) and I know of at least 1 who has significant behaviour issues (talked about on the parents whatsapp, the parent of said child apologises).

This is not against her teacher, or her Reception teacher, both seem lovely and I liked both. The Year 1 teacher knew who she was, and the way she described DD is very like her so I’m not concerned for that. She answers questions in class, but is never so exceptional or naughty that she gets recognised for that.

She isn’t good at anything in particular, she’s bang on where she should be in Literacy, a little behind in Numeracy but nothing to be overly worried about (her teachers words), she enjoys the other topics offered by the school. She does extracurricular activities; swimming, judo and rainbows, she’s neither good or bad at those. She’s just average. Which I like, but also makes me wonder what she has to do to be recognised, why is average not good enough?

@Tableclothing that is beautiful, thank you so much for sharing.

I think it is a hideous thing to call a child "unremarkable" There is no such thing as an average child or person for that matter. Maybe her kindness shines out of her and touches others, maybe she has the most amazing imagination that will help her take people on journeys through writing or storytelling, maybe she will express herself in art or fencing or acting or origami. Maybe she is great at friendship or helping others, maybe she will conduct an orchestra or she will be a voice for animals, maybe she will swim the English Channel or drive a bus, maybe she will be am amazing mother and maybe she will be exceptional at crochet. Maybe she will travel the world or maybe she will make her corner of the world amazing for herself and the other people in it. No other child has her heart, her mind, her vision, her potential, her outlook, her abilities or her soul. Your child is incomparable to her peers, she is simply and wonderfully herself and that is anything but unremarkable....

I’m usually a staunch supporter of teachers on MN but nobody should call a wain unremarkable, nobody.

Surely if she doesn't stand out behaviour wise that makes her behaviour perfect?? Behaviour is exactly what it says. It shouldn't be the high achieving, louder, more visible kids. They get plenty of other rewards. I'm sad for her for never getting a behaviour award which she clearly deserves!!! A behaviour award is for doing everything expected not achievement.

I'd never call a child unremarkable (I'm a teacher) tell her how amazing she is, I bet most teachers would love a class full of quiet well behaved kids willing to listen and learn!

Your dd is not "unremarkable". Her teacher however, is a twat

Your daughter sounds perfect and lovely to me, and the unremarkable comment was badly chosen,cruel,and upsetting . You as a Mum knows your daughters ways,and accomplishments, so don't even think about some iffy teacher comments.. I think that all these celebration certificates and whatever, are rubbish,and totally unnecessary anyway.

Change schools!

I really dislike the way being 'quiet' is seen as a disadvantage at best and a flaw at worst. I say this as a (moderate) extrovert! Quiet's lovely!

'Unremarkable' is not meant badly, I think, but dreadfully worded. It's also not true, of anyone, really.

This has irrationally upset me on your DDs behalf!

My eldest DS was considered ‘unremarkable.’ He was Mr Average, polite, fairly quiet, plod along but get it done sort of chap. I distinctly remember his Y3 teacher telling me how good he was ‘you hardly know he’s here!’ When he started secondary school he said to me that he wished he was just really good at one thing, he didn’t want to be the best, didn’t want to be better than his friends, he just wanted a ‘thing.’ I promised him it’d come, we all find our place eventually.

So he’s spent his secondary school years trying every bloody club and activity going, working his socks off to make the football team, the cricket team, the arts club, the coding group, the eco council and others. He doesn’t particularly excel at any of them! His Y10 form tutor emailed me last year to say what a fantastic well rounded child I had, who could slot into any situation and effortlessly put a group at ease and motivate others with his ‘can do’ attitude. I think that’s a pretty remarkable trait!

I wonder how her teacher would think of being described as a "Quiet, thoughtful, but an unremarkable" teacher.

I wonder if s/he would feel hurt by that?

I'm in a similar situation (parents evening next week) but struggling with eldest DS's report which I just got (Yr3). No academic information, all focused on how "distracted" and "loud" he's becoming in the classroom, how he "only has 2 friends" and how he struggles when he makes a mistake and how hard on himself he is. There are SO many positive things that could be said - like for example his imagination, numeracy, and spelling skills. He aces it all except the odd wrong answer. His dad walked out on him when he was 6 and wants nothing more to do with him. I've had a breakdown and constantly struggle and cry, he suffers with anxiety. He's had to move schools. He's had so much to deal with. It' awful to just put him down like this, ONLY put downs?! and your DD... I mean surely it'll make kids think "Okay what's the point?" really upsets me too!

Chiming in as well to say the teacher really was wrong and silly to say your lovely DD is "unremarkable". The teacher lacks imagination and empathy, and may actively be mean, to use that word. Her subjective opinion of your DD is being stated as though it is a fact. As someone who works in academia, this teacher's attitude is all too common, and is dangerous because it influences the teacher's expectations and the opportunities he/she offers students. Boils my blood. Stay vigilant, OP. See that she gets every opportunity she should and that expectations for your DD remain high.

She sounds like a very pleasant little human. Definitely something to be proud of

That's a horrible thing to say about a 5yo!! It doesn't matter how the teacher said it, is should never have been said at all.

No child is unremarkable.

Probably not the best choice of words as it makes her sound like she doesn't stand out. But they probably meant it in an honest way, meaning she is not top of the class, but she's doing ok and doesn't draw attention to herself for the wrong reasons.

My ds is 'remarkable'. For all the 'wrong' reasons. He struggles with his work, I have ongoing meetings because of incidents and behaviour. He finds it difficult to tow the line and be quiet. I remember being slightly depressed and all the remarks he got on his first report. I wished I had a more obedient and quiet child. I wouldn't change him now because he is what he is, but he's hard work. Be happy your dd is where she is.

Every single child is remarkable

I’ve 2 with autism op
I’d take your unremarkable any fucking day
My kids will NEVER live independently
Oh god what I’d give to just have to be worried about them being unremarkable

I think the teacher just didn't really know DD back in October.

I suspect the teacher used a word whose meaning they did not fully understand.

Philip Larkin was a miserable bastard.

I think you would know your child better than a teacher. A lot of good stuff will go unnoticed at school if she is quiet. She will probably catch up and find where she does excel soon enough. Perhaps she will be more into science or arts? Not all kids excel in english and maths.

One thing I've learnt through life is that if you are consistent, quiet and hard working you don't get far, but if you are loud and a bit shit initially and then manage to improve slightly, you get showered with compliments and opportunity! If only I knew this before! I'm kind of against teaching my sons that consistent hard work pays off because it absolutely doesn't! It is definitely how you play a situation too. Some of my peers from my senior school have done very well in life after being labelled 'unremarkable'.

And yes agree the teachers choice of words are terrible and the certificate trip thing is awful too. Each child will have a strength and they should reward and celebrate that, not link it to educational attainment.

@JoanieCash
Philip Larkin was a miserable bastard.

Yes, and Sally Amis was a chronically depressed, suicidal alcoholic who drank herself to death at the age of 46.

The fact that two separate posters have (apparently) decided that this would be a great poem to post with reference to the OP's 5-year-old daughter baffles me, tbh.

Wtf? As a teacher I generally feel it's unfortunate we can't be more brutally honest with parents of badly behaved, unkind or lazy kids. But I have never had any desire to tell a parent their child is unremarkable! Even if I thought that (which I never do), what a pointless, vague and unconstructive thing to say! Your child isn't unremarkable, OP.

My DD is average at everything BUT SHE IS 6 FFS! She is however the happiest smiliest friendliest politest little dot you'll ever meet and these qualities are often remarked upon. This means more to me than reading levels, swimming certificates or gifted and able titles ever could.

I take exception to the way you've judged the kids that walk and talk differently to be honest OP. My child does - however apart from the fact her brain won't move her muscles including in her mouth around properly - she's the most compliant, no-fuss made, academically getting on with it all - child you'd ever meet. No, she's not academically blazing a trail or struggling along - but she's holding her own without taking up additional adults time. The assumptions about children with SN needs being somehow teacher attention stealers are nasty.

I used to use the term "always children" - the ones who were always doing their work, always behaving well and being kind - puts it in a much more positive way.

But please wobble your head about the judgement over the children you view as being "different" and the assumptions they must be struggling academically and taking up tonnes of time - because that aspect is incorrect in a lot of cases.

Neither of mine have had anything more than the star of the week that everyone cycles through in their school careers - none of the special headteacher awards or the class heroes in the eldest's school - the eldest I can understand as her behaviour can need some directing at times (she can try to be a pain in the arse if she can get away with it) but the youngest is just compliant, well behaved, kind, sweet natured and plods along (walking and talking funnily) below the radar. Her time will come (and the eldest might stop talking at some point - she's a lovely kid really - just does not ever stop talking)

It is far, far, far too young to be making any kind of judgement about a person.

I thought that I knew my DCs very well when they were young - their strengths and weaknesses - but the adults that they eventually turned into were not even close to what I was expecting. Each child has a unique combination of characteristics that combines and interacts in a totally unpredictable way.

Believe me, your DD will surprise you.

Jesus, the poor thing is only 5! What a spiteful thing to say. I would definitely had said something at the time. She has lots of time to develop talents and find what she is good at. It baffles me that she has been written off as average because she isnt a loud mouth or an attention seeking brat.