To be both sad and happy my DD is “unremarkable”

[GreyCloudsandSunshine]

Said by her teacher during parents evening. She’s 5, in Year 1. Last year she never got a celebration certificate in assembly from the head –each week the head chooses people from each class, there’s no set amount of children chosen but DD has never been chosen--, she never got to the very top of the behaviour chart to earn extra house points, she didn’t get to do the celebration trip last year as she had never had a celebration certificate, but she also never got to the very bottom of the behaviour chart either.

Her Reception teacher said she was quiet, polite and well behaved. Her Year 1 teacher said she is quiet, thoughtful but unremarkable.

I am so very proud that she gets on with things and doesn’t draw attention to herself for bad things, but I am also sad that she’s seen as a little too quiet. She works hard, gets it done, but the teacher has 25 others in her class, some of whom have significant SN (It’s obvious with some of them due to the way they walk/speak) and I know of at least 1 who has significant behaviour issues (talked about on the parents whatsapp, the parent of said child apologises).

This is not against her teacher, or her Reception teacher, both seem lovely and I liked both. The Year 1 teacher knew who she was, and the way she described DD is very like her so I’m not concerned for that. She answers questions in class, but is never so exceptional or naughty that she gets recognised for that.

She isn’t good at anything in particular, she’s bang on where she should be in Literacy, a little behind in Numeracy but nothing to be overly worried about (her teachers words), she enjoys the other topics offered by the school. She does extracurricular activities; swimming, judo and rainbows, she’s neither good or bad at those. She’s just average. Which I like, but also makes me wonder what she has to do to be recognised, why is average not good enough?

She will be what we used to call 'the invisible children' in school. Nice, polite, well behaved. Average ability. Doesn't require support in school. Just gets on with what she's meant to do. Doesn't get discussed in the staff room but all the staff like them. They were my favourite children. She'll be a valuable member of society in the future and schools should celebrate them more.

I think that is a terrible comment by the teacher and also bad policy not to make sure every chold is celebrated. My GC is the same age and their school is very into rewards like star of the week and other similar awards but they make sure each child gets one at least once a year.sometimes it is for being helpful, kind trying very hard or not giving up even when they find something difficult. I can't believe that they can't find anything more positive to say. It sounds as though they don't really know her.

ooooohbetty

I am interested in your post.
These children don't get celebrated, and that is a bad thing.
The attention is poured on the badly behaved, the super bright and the "favourites".
My daughter used to be seated next to the worst behaved pupils in class- for years - because her head down gentle approach was supposed to ameliorate, subdue or negate the students who were being agrressive or had behaviour difficulties.
She hated this and in fact it was neglectful of her needs.
And it was because she was " unremarkable", kind. and caused no attention.
TBH It has left a bad taste in my mouth- especially with primary school teachers,
Look only at school plays- shows etc.
These perfectly behaved quiet children are overlooked.

A remarkable teacher would ensure all 25 dc would be noticed, seen, heard, celebrated and remarked upon for acheivments big or small, loud or quiet.

It sounds like you have a mediocre teacher at a lack lustre school.

I'd have had that teacher by three throat if she'd said that about my child, and I used to be a teacher.
She is obviously remarkable, it's hard work being so good all the time. That in itself it's worth remarking upon and praising.

Give your daughter a big hug and tell her how inordinately proud you are of her.

I wish my child was 'unremarkable'. He's top set for everything. Mainstream. With autism. No one understands and he is on the verge of expulsion. Severe behavioural issues and apparently none of these professional people have ever seen a child like it. So please accept your NT 'average' child and dont worry. They will find their niche and excel in the future.

I think you need to take this further and change the school’s policy. Firstly, a teacher admitting to a parent that there child is unremarkable is a teacher who shouldn’t teach. That’s code for “I am determined to not see the potential in your child” and it’s only bloody October. Additionally, your dd (who just gets on with it) will prove to be a bloody godsend to the school when they need as many children as possible to just “get on with it and deliver” to keep their data scores up. This needs to be made clear to the ht. Your steady, kind, polite, diligent daughter and others like her make the school run smoothly and the school would be up shit creek without a paddle without them. Make an appt with the head and chair of govs, talk to them about how damaging this laissez faire attitude towards the strong and steady ones is becoming. Be a policy changer! The school needs you and it definitely needs your dd, I assure you that if you moved her to another school they would shit themselves. Although based on her current teacher, I’d be sorely tempted to move her anyway. This isn’t just coming from a shocked mumsnetter, this is coming from a shocked teacher of 11 years who thinks your dd’s teacher needs an almighty bollocking from the powers that be.

The teacher is remarkable: remarkably offensive. I would actually write and suggest that actually that is a very rude thing to say to any parent.

Parent of another 'unremarkable' child here. Totally overlooked at primary school. Just started at a super-selective Grammar school. Oh, and recently registered blind after losing the majority of her sight, very suddenly and unexpectedly. EVERY child is remarkable, in their own way.

It's not your lovely child's job in life to impress people such as her teacher. It's her job to do what she loves doing and be happy. It is of no consequence whatsoever what they think, it also is most certainly not true.

A teacher once said something similar to my mil about her son - now my dh. She's a mild mannered person. She said "what's actually going on is the fact that he (her son) just doesn't like you"

@speakout I agree with you.

This was me at school, and i’m quite bitter about it. I was probably just slightly above average. Not a trouble causer, but I wasn’t setting the world alight either. I had my own little survival technique going on...to not draw attention (I went to quite a rough school). But I did what I had to do, and ended up with ok grades, went into uni and did ok for myself. I often wonder how much better my grades could have been of I’d of had the attention others got.

Anyway, I’m my 40’s now, still not setting the world alight, but we are doing very nicely, currently living the exact life I wanted to live (team effort though with me and DH). But, I can see my son going the same way (I haven’t decided yet whether my daughter will get attention for the right or wrong reasons yet...but she will definitely get attention!)

Even though it worked out for me, I feel for my son every time he doesn’t get rewarded or mentioned because I know he is working diligently, and I know not getting recognised hurts. I thought this sort of ‘treatment’ of the quiet children didn’t happen anymore and it does make me sad.

Our primary school had weekly "golden children", one picked from each class. They got a gold certificate and their group picture was put on the school Twitter site.
Mine never was one. They also had christmas plays, my child never had a part, always in the choir. They also had sports days, where children put their hands up for races, most got 4 or 5 races, mine got 1 race. One year I rang up and asked if he could be in the throw a beanbag competition, they said no. Stuff 'em. He's the most considerate child I know and has been a great help with a very disabled family member. That school didn't deserve him.

Silly teacher didn’t think about her words - probably didn’t mean it how you took it - in fact almost certainly - your daughter is special and almost certainly unique and remarkable in ways yet to be discovered

Head teacher described both my children as wallpaper - no one noticed them and they were not the most interesting thing in the room but they were needed to make the special ones look good....she said the world needed wallpaper!
She didn't last long in that job - was known to have said that she'd prefer to stack shelves than be a HT.

Unremarkable is a horrible word to use. I would never describe one of my pupils as unremarkable, and I would not take kindly to a teacher who described my son as such.

Jeez, there are ways for teachers to phrase things without making the kid out to be some kind of nonentity!! They could say “she is always well-behaved, so thank you to you for bringing her up with such good manners. Very observant and listens well to instructions and just gets on with what she’s asked without making a fuss, which is brilliant, makes my job much easier to have children in the class who will get straight on and do as asked. She’s exactly where she should be academically although slightly behind in X, but she is only 5 and I’ve found that at this age, the rate of development varies so much in that subject - I’m confident she will be gaining the skills she needs very soon. X subject may just not be her thing, she certainly seems to prefer Y, so maybe thatMs where her talents will lie? Who knows, it’s a bit early to say yet. I would say that I don’t often get to hear her thoughts, as she’s quite reserved, I’m sure she would have lots to offer if she had the confidence to speak out more, so that’s perhaps an area for development. She is doing well socially and enjoys being with her friends/one special friend, so alll good!”

That’s how it should have gone! As for the celebration trip, I don’t believe in them. Someone who SHOULD have been invited on them always misses out and it’s does dent self-esteem, often for a long time.

I actually work in secondary, but one thing I’ve learned, after finding school a breeze all the way though myself, is that being the best academically isn’t the be all and end all. There are very academic kids but who maybe are selfish, or bad mannered, or unkind, or who need spoon feeding or who look down on the less academic ones, or who are lazy, or who are rude to the teachers, or just downright mean spirited in some other way. I work with all abilities and I have to say, the middle ability and bottom set kids are often my favourite to work with. They know they will never get top marks in their GCSEs and know that their other abilities and qualities are what will make them successful in life so will focus on those. They are often more interesting pupils to spend time with and a teacher who hasn’t discovered a pupil’s USP isn’t a good teacher in my opinion.

Of course she’s not unremarkable! She’s the only one of her that exists anywhere in the planet! And at 5, it is absolutely too young to pin any labels in her, good or bad. One of my sons was very much bumbling along “below average” at the beginning of year one. Now, age 12 he’s irritatingly good at everything, and a charming, pleasant boy too.

Don’t let anyone put her in a box, she’s wonderful!

Oh I was this child

I was made to feel unremarkable by my own parents and my school. The only people who have ever given me any confidence were my friends and husband.

I’m still unremarkable to this day. No known talents. Always quiet, always blend in, average looking, average job, average intelligence etc.

Really unacceptable of the teacher. Please make sure that you are your DD’s biggest cheer leader.

I should add I’m sure she is absolutely wonderful

Please don’t miss the poem posted by @Tableclothing at 16.35 and coincidentally by me some other time- I think it’s lovely.

Hi OP

Going against the grain here. I do think it's an odd choice of word, as sometimes people say it when they mean something a bit boring but it can mean not unusual.

Everyone is saying she will have some remarkable about her as every child does. But if every child is remarkable then no one is remarkable because a remarkable child is different to all the others and really unusual. I'm not saying your daughter isn't unique or special or have many good qualities or that she doesnt have a great future, because in most jobs you need to have a lot of different skills so being a good all rounder is better than say being great with numbers but shit with people unless you're in a very specific field.

I think about me and my friends and colleagues and I honestly wouldn't describe any as 'remarkable'. And that's ok! Would you describe yourself as remarkable? I would guess there would be one child in every year group that was remarkable in a positive sense (there may be some more in a negative sense).

I'd probably take it in a way that your daughter doesnt need any extra help (either because she is so far ahead she needs extra work or behind and needs extra support) and has no challenging behaviour, and in a world of large class sizes and no support for pupils with additional needs, this means the teacher doesnt have much chance to interact with her. Which is shit in itself I know, but not an insult to your daughter.

I am quite literal though and can take things differently to most people so feel free to ignore me!

I will also add to my post that my own ‘invisibility’ and not getting recognised has carried on through my working life (including other people claiming credit for my work)...BUT...when I have left a role to move on they have all missed me and tried to convince me to stay (which has given me great satisfaction).

Your daughter will do fine in life, her can do and get on with it attitude will serve her well.

One thing that my experience at school has taught me is to recognise injustice and give credit where credit is due. She will most likely be very empathetic.

I think unremarkable is a very unkind way to describe a child who sounds utterly delightful.

In an age with social media and everyone seemingly having amazing children experiences and lives being unremarkable stings.

I was an unremarkable child . I’m very much an unremarkable adult .

But honestly and without boasting I do know that I make friends everywhere I go . I always have a laugh, have a job I adore , have got into all kinds of scrapes and done some naughty things . Honestly I’m so lucky to have an amazing life. I think my Mum feels proud of me and happy that I have so much fun.

I just want you to know this from a girl teachers would never have remembered X