Shitty message from 'best friend'

[HappyMondayKidz]

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

You don’t need to make anything up to her. Her wedding doesn’t trump what’s going on in everyone else’s lives?!

Hen do I wouldn't be going on personally but wedding I would. I would be devastated if my best friend missed my wedding.

She just disappointed. She shouldn’t have been cross but she wanted you to be there, you matter to her. I’m sure she’ll calm down and apologies when it’s sunk in.

She's allowed to be disappointed her best friend isn't going to be at her wedding. Maybe you mean more to her, than she does to you.

You're being a wee bit pfb - lots of babies travel just fine (and it's easier to travel with them at that age anyway) and they'll be at least 8 weeks right? If it was within a month of each other than I would get it, but otherwise I'd be making the effort

Why can't you fly? It's not that bad.

I wouldn’t miss my best friends wedding. You can make it work but you’re choosing not to, I can see why she’s annoyed. Just own it. You’ll have enough going on in your life to spend too much time dwelling on it anyway.

Have you considered going by train? Dh and I went from Essex to Aberdeen with toddler ds1 and ds2 who was on,y 5 weeks old, and it worked really well. It was much easier to deal with the baby than it would have been on a plane, and if you upgraded to first class, you’d get fed, and brought tea and coffee throughout the journey.

I would not go to the hen but would go to the wedding. Your baby will probably be about 8 weeks, I think, in which case I do think it would be possible. I live in the south with family in Scotland and we actually had to do similar (and indeed a cousin came down to our wedding with her six week old). If she really is your best friend, I think you can sort it so you go.

You don't know what state you will be in in early June. But I think your reasons sound like excuses, other than that - it isn't that hard or that expensive to fly to Scotland, for example. And you could sit in a club with a soft drink instead of dictating how the hen night should be. I'm not sure what the way back from this is.

The baby will be about 2 months old. Assuming no health problems with either of you, you'll be fine to fly.

Why can’t you go by train? Small babies are very portable - much easier to travel with than when they’re 1/2/3.
I know it’s your first baby but I don’t think it’s unreasonable of your friend to want you there.
You can get cheap train tickets 3 months ahead of travel date. Depending on where wedding is you could get reasonably priced air b n b if you don’t fancy hotel.
Baby can sleep in pram cot for a night or two.

There's no way I would have missed my best friend's wedding just because I had a 3 month old baby. Fly up for the day and night on your own.

I get you not attending the Hen Do (lucky escape!) but the wedding? I would either fly or get the train.

It's entirely up to you if you attend the wedding or not, but I can understand why she's upset. Perhaps she could have handled it better though..
FWIW small babies are very portable, and I wouldn't hesitate to hop on a flight with one, particularly such a short flight. Although I appreciate that isn't the only factor here!

She's allowed to be upset. She asked you to be her MOH for a reason.
You are allowed to say that you can't go.
Neither of you are being unreasonable, but both of you are putting yourselves first. Nothing wrong with that, but naturally yours never going to agree on the subject.

I didn't go to my best friends hen as I was very heavily pregnant with crippling SPD but I did go to her wedding, which involved a flight with a 3 week old baby (recovering from a crappy delivery) so I would have to say that YABU a bit. If you really wanted to go, you would.

I think yabu. I was bridesmaid for my friend 6 days after having a baby who I left with my mum for the day, can't you leave the baby with the dad for the weekend?

You're* argh!

Ditto what HeadintheiClouds said.

Went on a plane with my first, who was about 5 months old.

Then went again when I had a toddler and a 10 week old.

You're not the first to have a baby, you're not the last.

If you were my friend, I'd be really hurt. And think you were selfish and PFB.

Wow - unreasonable of you for sure.
You've admitted defeat before even seeing how the first few months go with the baby.
Think of how you'd feel if it was the other way round.
Not able to commit to being maid of honour, ok it's fair enough to give notice but not attend at all, seems extreme.

of course you can fly to Scotland with a young baby. It is such an easy flight. Of course, if either of you are unwell, then all bets are off. It is a choice though. Car not so much. I'd hope you'd make the effort, if you were my best friend.

I would be very disappointed that my hen do would have to change to accommodate my moh (since it’s supposed to be my wedding) and would be gutted to not have you attend either

Go to the wedding. Don't go on the hen do but help arrange it.

Although you'd have to speak to her now and see how she feels. I think she's a tad bridezilla but your PFB will be fine on a train/plane or with grandparents/DJ