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AIBU?

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Original poster

Shitty message from 'best friend'

695 replies

HappyMondayKidz · 10/10/2019 19:32

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 10/10/2019 20:18

I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue

This must be upsetting for her as it's gone from you organising it to telling her you might attend if the person who does organise it puts in sufficient effort to accommodate you.

I was pregnant for my own hen do and managed fine - obviously you're not going to be getting shitfaced but I don't think my immediate thought would have been to drop out of everything - it's pregnancy, not an illness!

I would be disappointed and upset if my best friend did this too - it might have been better to talk to her about it first before making a decision since, to her, it probably looks a bit like you were looking for an excuse to drop out.

YouJustDoYou · 10/10/2019 20:20

Having travelled similar distances with a "newborn" (the baby will be several months old by then, so it;s not like it;s a few weeks), and then a toddler and a newborn, and later, a child, a toddler, and a newborn - it;s perfectly doable. You just get on with it. It sucks a bit for a few days but then you get back to normal life, and you've been there for your friend.

Spied · 10/10/2019 20:20

It's understandable she's upset.
You were MOH and now you're not and she's going to look a bit of a twat asking someone else who will know they are second choice.
There's no real valid reason you can't carry on as you were. Maybe decline the hen-do but you can still go to the wedding and carry out your MOH duties. Your best friend will understand you have baby in tow.

loobyloo1234 · 10/10/2019 20:20

YABU. How can you not see that? I would also move heaven and earth to be at my best friends wedding. The baby will be 2 months old. Flying or train would have been fine but I guess the damage is done anyway

Pardonwhat · 10/10/2019 20:20

In the nicest way possible - people have had babies since the dawn of time.

I think YABU and quite ridiculous to be honest.

rollNsausage · 10/10/2019 20:21

OPs not coming back to the thread....

LondonJax · 10/10/2019 20:21

I seriously wouldn't worry about the baby flying. Our DS was 6 weeks old, four weeks post a heart procedure when we flew to Scotland to introduce him to his gran. He slept the whole time. It was the easiest journey we ever did with him as a baby/toddler! The next time he was wide awake, then teething (that was fun), the rest is a blur of toys, snacks, books etc!

Feed baby before the flight if you can, he or she will nap then and before you know it you'll be there.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 10/10/2019 20:24

We took our 8 week old to Italy by plane... in hindsight it was a bit of a faff but Scotland will be fine !

DonKeyshot · 10/10/2019 20:24

It will most probably be cheaper, and a hell of a lot quicker, to get a return flight to Scotland than go by train.

As for the hen-do, what will harm will it do you to sit in a nightclub for a few hours watching others making fools of themselves getting inebriated? You can always plead tiredness and leave after a decent interval.

Do you realise that you've made your best friend's wedding all about you? You owe her a mahoosive apology and I suggest you send her a grovelling email blaming hormones for your self-absorption.

Tell her you'll move heaven & earth to attend one of the hen-dos and the wedding and that you'll be booking your flight as soon as tickets are on sale.

I suspect your babe-in-arms will sleep during what is a very quick flight - no sooner are you up than you're down - or be vastly entertained by all that's going on around him/her,

circleorsquare · 10/10/2019 20:25

Sorry I'm going to add another yabu! In your position I'd go to both! I had 2 pregnant friends on my hen do, they just got on with it!!

I'd be gutted if you were my friend and didn't come

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 10/10/2019 20:25

I agree with most others. Absolutely miss the hen do. But so long as there are no complications there is no reason why you and baby cannot attend the wedding. I can understand why she is hurt. And no-one really wants long emails from someone explaining their emotions in this sort of situation.

PinkiOcelot · 10/10/2019 20:25

Where’s the OP gone?! Thread obviously didn’t go as planned.

category12 · 10/10/2019 20:25

"I'm really sorry, best friend. I think I panicked at the thought of taking a tiny baby so far. But my more experienced mother friends have reassured me that I'm worrying about nothing. I am so sorry to have hurt you, and of course I was devastated at the thought of missing your wedding.
If you can forgive me for my over-reaction (which was really just out of fear of the unknown) and are prepared to accept my apology, I would love to be at your wedding in whatever role you'd be happy with"

This ^

saraclara · 10/10/2019 20:27

And no-one really wants long emails from someone explaining their emotions in this sort of situation.

Yep. That was horribly self-indulgent. You need to apologise for that at the very least.

Reallybadidea · 10/10/2019 20:27

I'd be pretty gutted if my best friend declined an invitation on these grounds. You've had loads of notice so plenty of time to save up for it and flights should be cheap this far in advance. I agree that driving might be difficult, but saying that you're worried about flying is a bit pathetic to be honest. And I think you will regret it forever if you don't go.

EmeraldShamrock · 10/10/2019 20:28

I would apologise for not doing maid of honour, I would still attend with the baby.

Letthemysterybe · 10/10/2019 20:28

I think that you will regret not going to the wedding. She’s your best mate. I think you can bale out of the hen do, but not the wedding. This is your best mates wedding! You really should try to carry on with life as normally as possible once the child is here, you’ll regret it if you don’t. You don’t want to lose your friends, or your ‘self’ just because ‘you’re a mum now’.

Pandaintheporridge · 10/10/2019 20:28

She wasn't planning a child free wedding was she?

TheTrollFairy · 10/10/2019 20:28

Your baby is the most portable at the age he or she will be.
A wedding is a big thing, I would be really upset if my best friend wasn’t at mine

saraclara · 10/10/2019 20:29

A shorter version of my example message would be:

"Jeeze. I have no idea what my hormones were doing to my brain the other day. I've been an ass. Please forgive me. Your my best mate and I love you and want to be there"

rubyroot · 10/10/2019 20:29

Where's op gone?

Another vote for flying

neverornow · 10/10/2019 20:29

I can see why she's upset.
Traveling with a 8-10 week old is very do able. I'd get the train and book decent seats with plenty of room for buggy etc. that or fly up alone and come back the next day.
2 close friends of mine made it to my wedding when their baby's were 5 and 6 weeks old. They really enjoyed the time away

Rainatnight · 10/10/2019 20:30

YABU. I’d be so gutted if I was your friend.

My DB, SIL and DNiece moved to Nigeria when DNiece was about the same age as your DC will be at the wedding. Anything is possible (pretty much).

BlingLoving · 10/10/2019 20:30

You are definitely being a bit precious. Hen do, I can u understand although you could go for the first part. Wedding is crazy. I flew 12 hors with a 7 week old after a c section. And I am not special- I have loads of friends who did similar. Yoh should apologise profusely to your friend.

InfiniteSheldon · 10/10/2019 20:30

We had our 8 week old dgd and her 3 Yr old db overnight so our son and wife could go to a wedding, nearly killed us off tbf If mum had been breastfeeding we'd have probably gone with them and looked after dgc for the day/evening so they could have gone to her best friends wedding is that an option?

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