Shitty message from 'best friend'

[HappyMondayKidz]

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

YABU she must be gutted you’re her best friend how can you not attend her wedding get a baby sitter

I went to a wedding with my first when she was 5 weeks old we are in scotland travelled to wales for it didn’t think it was big deal.
I think your bet friend is disappearing yes and I think you are being a bit unreasonable but it’s your choice so there you go

Out of interest - where is the holiday? If you’re frightened of travelling to Scotland will you be vacationing in Croydon or something f?

YANBU.

I am surprised at the number of people in here who are telling OP to, basically, suck it up and go.
Regardless of the mode of travel, the baby would be in a car seat longer than the recommended time. If the OP is travelling alone, it's a huge deal for her to have to carry everything in a plane or train. If she's driving, that's a long journey with a young baby, especially if she is having to keep stopping.
She's already said that money is short right now, so and will continue to be so for the foreeable future. Which makes public transport even less attractive for her.
If this thread was about thedevil MIL wanting to meet their new grandchild before it reaches adulthood, the responses would have been overwhelmingly of the ' MIL is unreasonable, doesn't she realise you are still establishing bf/recovering from the birth/bonding with your own little family type. But as it's a wedding, that apparently trumps your comfort and, more importantly, your baby's health.
Those who would be devastated, or who think you should be at the wedding 'no matter what' are, imo, the unreasonable ones. As is your friend who wanted final numbers for food this far ahead.
Your baby trumps a wedding, imo, and anyone who doesn't get that, or who thinks you are a bad friend, doesn't deserve your time anyway.

I guess she hasn’t had kids herself yet! You’ll be quite exhausted, not just with the logistics of getting upto Scotland! My hubby’s 40th was 3 months after I had my first and whilst pregnant I thought no problem, we can do this at-home-with-marquee event. But a few weeks after giving birth and just before I sent out the (professionally printed) invites, I realised I was so tired and just couldn’t hack having a party. Baby needed lots of milk and very frequently for one reason. So it didn’t happen and I think hubby was happy enough that it didn’t. Just stick to your guns and hopefully your friend will realise the impracticalities soon enough from your point of view.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to not want to travel across country with a newborn. I'm pretty sure babies aren't supposed to be in care seats for much longer than two hours. I think people take wedding too seriously TBH. Just do what feels right for you and accept that your friend is probably just really sad because she wants you there.

Sounds like it was you sending the shitty message. The wedding is obviously very important to her, as are you and your presence.

“...if it was possible” is a bit of a cop out. It is possible, you’re choosing not to go. If I was her I’d feel pretty let down, plenty of people travel with babies and go to weddings with babies. Can’t you take someone with you who could help?

You are being unreasonable. If you aren’t going to go just own it. But don’t call your friend shitty, you’re letting her down and she has every right to be p*ssed off. Especially if deep down you know she’d be there for you.

Well said, bananasandwiches.

Maudacious, I can just imagine the Friend agreeing to fly down from Scotland to babysit.

I'm torn on this one. To begin with I would have said yabu. She's asked you to be maid of honour and you agreed. Yes she may see you more of a friend then you see her but friends are friends.
It sounds like excuses constantly, if you dp wasn't going in the first place because of work. I think now I are pregnant u have found a reason not to go.
At my wedding my best friend brought her 10 day old baby! I went to a wedding but couldn't take my week old baby and had to keep travelling back to feed her 30 mins each way and I did that 3 times! My sister travelled from japan with my dn who was 2 month old for my wedding.

On the other hand a part of me says yanbu because if people choose to have their wedding abroad or far away then they have to expect people to say no!

I travelled to Dublin on a hen do when I was heavily pregnant. Did everything in the day and meal at night. Did go to a couple of bars on the first night and one friend was very protective of my bump. Didn't go out in the evening the second night as I was so tired but went in the day etc

It's up to you what u decide for your reasons but I don't think your friendship will be the same after

Most of the women on this thread are why I have so few female friends, they are f'ing mental and horrifically selfish! A new mum and babies well being, both physical and mental, trumps a bloody wedding day! If you love someone, friend or spouse of family, you understand this shit. I would never dream in a million years of cutting someone out of my life because they couldn't attend my wedding, but then I am not a self centred egocentric fool.

Ffs, to all the people who say if the bride was really a good friend she'd understand...well if OP was such a good friend (which is debatable by her own admission) she would also understand that her friend is bound to be upset that her moh can't (or won't) be at her wedding!

One of my friends attended a wedding (admittedly close by - just over an hour by car) 2 days after giving birth to her first. It was just an afternoon thing (Indian wedding) but meant a lot to my friend who got married. I personally wouldn't have done that 2 days after birth as I had a tricky birth, but 2 months would have been totally fine.

Most of the women on this thread are why I have so few female friends, they are f'ing mental and horrifically selfish!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I have to say this is one post that I agree with.

I can't believe how some women are generalising birth and newborns. Everyone is different, just because one or 10 or 100 women were up and about travelling to Timbuktu 2 months after, some are not.

Give the OP a break, she has absolutely no idea what to expect, being a first time mother-to-be can be an extremely anxious time as you simply do not know what is going to happen.

You took the words right out of my mouth!!! 👏🏻 I can’t stand people like this who say I would never expect people to do this and that for me 🙄 bullshit! the fact she has already made her decision and she’s not going and the wedding is not until next year!

I wasn't one of these wonderful mothers that could get up and travel anywhere with my baby. Crippled by anxiety (a baby that would not sleep and cried relentlessly) and tiredness I struggled to get out of the house, let alone on a plane, despite having every intention of being a mum that could do anything with a baby in tow. Perhaps my experience wasn't normal, but wanted to say something before the poster has her baby and thinks she's doing something wrong because she can't do all the amazing things other people have listed here - not all babies are quiet and sleepy, and not all mothers feel able to cope. Appreciate she doesn't know yet how this will pan out, but if she feels that this is too much now, then fair play to her for saying sooner rather than later.

So very well said, @Rachyabbadabbadoo

Rachyabbadabbadoo is absolutely right! And yes, as some people have said, the OP could play it by ear instead of saying a definite No now; but then she might get blamed for letting the friend down at a later stage, without sufficient notice. There is no definitely right answer here. Also: I might have a little more sympathy with the friend if she lived in Scotland and wanted the OP to come to her wedding at her home (though even in that case, life sometimes gets in the way of plans) but, if someone plans a 'destination wedding', then I think they have to accept that not everyone will necessarily be able to attend. I hope that the OP can go in the end, but she should not be morally blackmailed into it. It's not as though the marriage would be null and void unless everyone attended!

It's lovely that so many people apparently managed to go to friends' weddings within days/weeks of giving birth but many women may not be able to manage that. Especially not to a destination the far end of the country. We were still in hospital until day 8, then barely coping for several weeks after because of feeding problems and adjusting to our new lives. And that's after a standard delivery not a CS. We did go out but only within our town!

This would not be a good enough reason for me to miss my best friends wedding full stop.

If you ever want to feel inadequate as a new mum who isn’t coping within a few weeks of a HUGE life changing event, keep checking in on this thread!

I posted earlier on in the thread about struggling with a baby with reflux during those first few months! NO FUCKING WAY, would I have been wedding ready never mind MAID OF FUCKING HONOR ready!

Great if you’ve had an easy time, wonderful, pleased for you, but please remember, not everyone has such a fabulous first few months and beyond!

@SweetMarmalade I totally agree . My first year with first dd was nothing short of horrific . Retching, vomiting, reflux, colic, hours of screaming . I wouldn't have wanted to go to anything as I was struggling so much to cope, but I do understand that we are in the minority and thankfully most babies don't suffer like this . I think I would wait until I had the baby and review the decision then .

@TargaryenBean
Have you actually been through the birth from Hell (intended to be a homebirth), with every intervention known to mankind, with rectal and vaginal surgery, blood transfusion, and intravenous antibiotics, followed by stint in intensive care, then HDU, then on the ward, then PND? And got over them all to attend a party fucking wedding?
Jolly good.

Cute, I’m sorry you went through this too.

Nimello, so sorry you went through such an awful time.

Most of the women on this thread are why I have so few female friends, they are f'ing mental and horrifically selfish!

I agree too. It's the nasty patronising way people are telling her that she is definitely being unreasonable that's hard to read. Even if you think the OP is unreasonable why be so smug and rude about it.
It's really really normal to be exhausted when you have a little baby and it's really really normal to have a difficult baby. The OP is not unreasonable to be worried about these things.

Also she would have to travel in her own. Most of the posters who travelled with little babies on this thread travelled with a partner which makes a massive difference.