Shitty message from 'best friend'

[HappyMondayKidz]

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

I would probably train up. I’m not sure I would miss it

Erm DH. Not DJ. If you leave the baby with the DJ be sure to buy it ear protectors

We took DD camping at 8 weeks - babies are portable. I am surprised you are considering missing the actual wedding - considering you were close enough to be MOH.
I organised friends hen do when DS was 4 months - to be fair I was bottle feeding so he was fine with DH. But I went and had big weekend for her hen do & had fab time. Not suggesting you do that btw - but I really think you should consider going to the actual wedding.

Why on earth can’t you take your 2/3 month old on an hour long flight? If she’s truly your best friend you need to make more of an effort.

Babies are very portable!
I took my 5 month old to Valencia and just spent a month in South Africa with him at 7 months old.

It is actually quite easy to drive that far with a very young baby. I've done it and baby slept most of the way. And though I wouldn't enjoy clubbing if I couldn't drink I would go for my best friends sake. YABU.

I can understand why your friend is disappointed. You’re having a baby not a life threatening illness. Your baby will be two months old. You will (hopefully) be physically able to travel after giving birth by then. Very young babies are pretty easy to travel with since they sleep so much. You can’t keep them in car seats for more than 45 mins so driving isn’t really an option. Could you get the train? I’m not about to promote unnecessary flights for environmental reasons.

Having said all of that, you could be absolutely exhausted if you have a baby that doesn’t sleep. I went abroad for a wedding (Eurostar) when mine was 5 weeks old. I didn’t particularly enjoy it and wouldn’t do it again, mainly because I had a baby that liked to wake every 2 hours. However, that wasn’t the wedding of a good friend. If it was my best friend I would do it again.

I flew on a 3 hour flight from Europe to Ireland with a 2 month old on my own...it was absolutely fine!

I also went to a few clubs and parties when I was very pregnant. I went to a work do of my husband's, 2 weeks before my due date...I danced and just didn't drink.

I think you are being precious and making excuses. Your friend has every right to be upset...

i think you don't see her as much of a best friend as she does you - and from the sounds of things, your life is going to be drastically change once baby is here so i would let friendship fizzle out. FWIW - i would never miss my best friends wedding. Hen do, maybe, but not wedding. If you wanted to you could make the wedding - you just dont want to.

Well, you’ve pulled out of being her MOH. That’s a big deal and she is entitled to be very upset. Only you can decide whether or not to travel, but if you don’t, you might need to accept that the friendship will suffer.

I'd be gutted if my best friend couldn't be bothered coming to my wedding. If your due date was a couple of weeks before the wedding thatd be different but theres really no reason for not travelling with a baby who's a couple of months old. I dont see anything in the least bit 'shitty' about her message

I know yabu it’s your best friend and the baby would be absolutely fine they would be around 8 weeks- I think you will regret this decision as the friendship may not recover, she’s not a random friend you were her MOH. Definitely being PFB

YANBU - Hen do.

YABU - wedding.

HTH.

I think you'll regret not going to your best friends wedding.

I think you’ll be losing your best friend for a reason you’ll come to realise is pretty much a non-issue.

Go to the wedding but decline the hen. Be demoted. Don’t lose your best mate because of this.

I’d be going but if you’ve already told her you’re not there’s no point going as it won’t be the same.

I think YABU I’m afraid.

I'd be gutted too if my maid of honour said she couldn't come to the wedding because she didn't want to fly with a 3 month old baby. Considering your cancellation, I think she's been quite restrained.

Crazy that you wouldn’t go to the wedding

Get on the train to Scotland. Will be a much nicer journey.

I’d be disappointed if my MOH wouldn’t come to my wedding. I don’t understand why you’re being pissy about the hen do - if your mate likes clubbing then that’s what you do for the hen do. You won’t be the only one there who isn’t doing their ideal activity.

If you want to maintain a friendship with her I think you need to contact her again. Apologise for being selfish and ask her which she’d like you to be there for - the wedding or the hen do. Then find a way to attend and don’t complain to her about it. It sounds like you’re being very PFB which is understandable but life does go on and when you have a child you’ll miss your old friendships so much.

Not a chance I’d miss the wedding of my best friend. No way. Baby will be 8-10 weeks. Assuming no issues - that’s a totally fine age to travel.

I don’t think it’s surprising she’s disappointed - she may understand more/feel differently if she has a baby but of course she won’t quite get it and feel quite let down.

It’s not ideal but it could be doable. If you really want to go you can make it happen, on the proviso that obviously if you or the baby have health issues you might need to pull out. I would personally say you’ll still plan to come but might be best not to be MOH as you don’t quite know how things will be.

We drove from Bournemouth to the isle of sky when our Dd was 3mths old. She was fine. We did it again when she was 1 and it was far far easier the first time!x

I had to do a big event (not wedding but similar - and cross country trek) just under four weeks after first baby and I did it, but it was absolutely no fun at all. First babies are a whirlwind and can easily be up to two weeks late. By eight weeks, I’d got hang of it, and it would have been slightly more fun. So it’s def doable, but not massively fun. To PP saying just go for a night without the baby, that won’t work if OP is trying to breastfeed.

It would be no hassle at all to get to Scotland with a 2 month old . Not like you are travelling to a foreign country. I would make to my best friends wedding no matter what. It’s what friends do.

For what it's worth, my friends hen do was when another friend was massively pregnant. The hen do was at a theme park. The pregnant friend took it in her stride, enjoyed the tame pregnant lady friendly rides, and went off to the aquarium with another friend when the rest of us were on the big coasters.
Same friend went to the wedding when the baby was 3 weeks old. They're super portable at that age.
My youngest was 3 months when we went to my BILs wedding. I had a sling and he slept during the ceremony, and was gushed over by grandparents during dinner. My DB got married the following year, he was still easy (fell asleep in the sling on my husband during the reception), but he was easier at 3 months.