Shitty message from 'best friend'

[HappyMondayKidz]

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

@Nimello

Sorry you went though this situation but this is a rarity.

The OP isn’t dealing with this situation she isn’t dealing with your situation. . She is declining to attend her friends wedding by making excuses before any situation arises.

Any friend, even that of the OP, would not expect anyone to attend a wedding who had been through a similar ordeal as you have and if the situation arose I’m sure the friend of the OP would understand.

Unfortunately the OP is making excuses to avoid a wedding before she has even given birth. Fair enough she’s pregnant, but many people attend weddings with babies. Maybe she should just apologise to her friend and say she can’t be moh but plan to attend the wedding. The point here is that the OP is making excuses now (in OCTOBER) as to why she can’t attend a wedding waaaaay in advance of the wedding (5 months?!?!). The OP has plenty of time to plan for the event in terms of childcare and travel. Fair enough that things might not go according to plan with pregnancy [as much as everyone would like their beautiful birth plan it doesn’t always happen], it doesn’t mean that you get to be a shit friend.

Babies are important but do are weddings. If the OP is a real friend she should be honest and explain that

1. she can’t be moh because she doesn’t have the capacity at the moment.
2. she can’t attend the full hen (I.e. clubbing) but would come to a couple of bars and maybe a meal
3. she will come to the wedding as a guest and get some assistance to help with the baby

Pregnancy is difficult. Being a parent is difficult. But parents expect the support of friends and that works both ways. The OP is making excuses and using the thread to ask for support.

Currently feeding 15wo dc4 and astonished by the responses on here. Brutal, absolutely brutal. So many perfect fucking parents/people it's unreal, but alas, that seems to be the way of mumsnet these days. Did everyone lose their ability to empathise with the last hacking?

OP, I've taken babies to weddings before. One was a 7 hour drive when should have been 5. Baby was 5 months and in a right state by the end. As with the other weddings, I barely got to see my friend, or enjoy the wedding, because at that age you need them with you at all times. They need feeding, they poo and cry, and may not like loud noises. Even a teeny teeny one can be bloody hard work. My friend was extraordinarily grateful that we had come all that way with a 5mo and said she had never assumed we would attend.

Current baby is fairly chilled, and obviously I am now fairly experienced with babies, but I'm not sure I'd schlep across the country for a wedding with them. I am fucking tired, sorry!

Good luck with your baby OP, and I hope your friend realises she needs to respect your decision.

You don't want to go to the wedding. You should admit to that.

Wow @MauisLeftNipple you sound like one of those only parents in the world type

'you sound like one of those only parents in the world type'

Well, that's what all parents are to their own children.

'The point here is that the OP is making excuses now (in OCTOBER) as to why she can’t attend a wedding waaaaay in advance of the wedding (5 months?!?!).'

Actually, many people would consider that to be the more considerate thing to do, in comparison with letting someone down closer to the time. People differ. But personally if someone can't attend or assist at a big and complicated occasion, I would prefer if they did let me know months in advance, rather than suddenly pulling out at the last minute. Obviously, there's not always a choice about that either; but ideally I'd prefer to have as long as possible to make or change my plans for the occasion

And the point is that the friend is not just saying 'oh, are you sure you can't come; surely you could do X to be able to attend; I'd really like you to be there'; she is explicitly demanding that a true friend should be prepared to move heaven and earth to attend her wedding. That's different from just trying to persuade her to come; it's a really extreme form of demand . And if she's making this sort of demand now, is she likely to be more tolerant if the OP agrees now, and then pulls out later on?

A wedding (apart from the ceremony that just requires bride and groom) is a celebration. It is not a funeral, or a medical problem, or even a difficult examination, or some other occasion where someone might desperately need support. It is lovely if you can attend, and I hope the OP may find a way to do so; but attending what is basically a PARTY, if one marking a particularly special occasion' is not, IMO, a duty that I would expect others to 'move heaven and earth' to perform. And if it's that important to the friend, maybe she should have 'moved heaven and earth' to organize the wedding in a more accessible location.

I don't blame the friend for being disappointed; I do blame her for being so aggressively intolerant and self-righteous about it. Of course, there may be things we're not being told: maybe the OP has a habit of letting others down; maybe she encouraged the friend to arrange her wedding in a 'destination' and promised to be there and is now reneging on it; maybe there is reason to suspect that she dislikes the bridegroom and is being obstructive for that reason. But if there is no such thing involved, then I think the friend is being unfair and a 'bridezilla'. OK, maybe the OP is being a bit of a 'mumzilla', but that's better than being a bridezilla. IMO, babies are more important - not than marriages; but than big wedding celebrations.

She clearly isn't your best friend, maybe just be honest and say you can't afford it and you need the money for your family.

I would definitely agree that dropping out of the MOH role with plenty of notice is the considerate and sensible thing to do, @ddl1. And the response from the bride is nasty and bridezilla-ish.

However, as regards attending the wedding, if I were her, I wouldn’t drop out now - I’d wait and see how I felt when the baby is here, and travel up if I could manage it - but warn the bride that, if the birth is terrible or the baby’s early weeks are hard, I might not make it.

As I said early on, going up by train, especially if they splashed out on first class, ought to make the travelling fairly easy - I have done Southend on Sea to Aberdeen by train with a 2-year-old and a 5 week old baby, which took 7 hours, and it was really smooth and pretty easy. And once I was there, I found there were plenty of people at the wedding who wanted to cuddle the baby for me (and I promise I didn’t let him upstage the bride).

But we are all different, and if the OP feels more comfortable cancelling it all now, that is her right. I just wanted to offer some suggestions and the benefit of my experience, in case it helped.

I totally agree with the PP who made the point that if it was a long visit to see her MIL the responses would be totally different . Weddings are really not that important/interesting/exciting to anyone apart from the bride and groom (and you rarely hear of grooms being that interested TBH). There is nothing wrong with declining politely.
When I think back to the weddings I've attended over the years you barely have time to speak to the bride & groom, quite rightly they are busy 'hosting' and apart from a brief 'hello, thank you for joining us' there just isn't much time for anything else. Thankfully I've got to the age when I am rarely invited to weddings , I decline friends weddings if the are 2nd/3rd * time around and am relegated to the elderly aunt table at family weddings.

(*Not being a hypocrite, I have been married twice but made sure my 2nd wedding was a very small event with just three witnesses).

I think it’s fine not to go. The baby could easily be 4 weeks old not 8. Many women are still bleeding heavily at that stage. Most have stitches somewhere. Most are still establishing BF.

It’s great that some of you have hiked through the Andes, stopping for an hour to give birth on the way. But not everyone has an easy labour, birth and recovery and an easy baby.

However as a point of information , the train from London to Glasgow takes 4.5 hours. It’s not in the Artic Circle.

So what do people think of Meghan Markle leaving her five month old baby for a weekend in NY?

I have no opinion whatsoever @rosequartzglow

If you want to talk about that, why dont you start your own thread ?

So what do people think of Meghan Markle leaving her five month old baby for a weekend in NY?

I don’t really have an opinion. I assume she didn’t leave it to fend for itself.

Obviously she managed it though .

So because MM manages to do something we should all bow down and copy her because she is the holy grail of mothers. never mind the fact she probably has a team of people making her life easier.

She also has the luxury of flying private / first class and has drivers to take her to and from the airports etc. Not quite the same experience of travelling cattle class.

I’m sure I could have managed it too. Wouldn’t have wanted to though.
Plus 5 months is different to 8 weeks.

'Obviously she managed it though .'

I would imagine that Meghan has a nanny for her child; not everyone has the sort of help that a royal does! In any case, there is a difference between a 5-month-old and a 2-month-old!

Yes sorry I was being a bit flippant.

With regards to Megan Markle, I think good for her and I don’t see why it’s even being mentioned.

If you can’t travel with a 2/3 month old baby then I would prepare to not travel until your child is about 3 as travelling with a toddler is infinitely harder. Then try adding another baby. I’m glad I learnt how to do it and coping strategies. Wish I’d travelled more with one portable, non- moving baby!