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AIBU?

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Original poster

Shitty message from 'best friend'

695 replies

HappyMondayKidz · 10/10/2019 19:32

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

OP posts:
inwood · 10/10/2019 19:55

You could easily travel to Scotland YABU and sounds like you are making excuses.

billybagpuss · 10/10/2019 19:55

You will get very mixed responses here op.

In theory if all goes according to plan you would be absolutely fine to travel and attend the wedding, my dd was 6 weeks early and was still in SCBU at that point so it would not have been possible in your scenario.

Yanbu to be planning like you are, but your friend will not understand where you are coming from until she’s pregnant herself and understands what you’re going through.

I think you need to have a meet up with your friend, she’s clearly disappointed but maybe hold out the olive branch. Maybe meet up for a spa day or something.

I hope you’re able to resolve things 💐

Ocado100 · 10/10/2019 19:55

Oh just remembered! I actually left my first at 10 weeks to attend a very close friend’s! I had a blast!
And then got so excited to be reunited with my baby the following morning and felt like I’d had a much needed indulgence and good night sleep
Win win

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 10/10/2019 19:55

The baby will be 8 weeks at least by the wedding so I'm not sure what the issue is? It's a super short flight, but you might prefer the train for the reasons which people have said.

Your friend is sad because she feels like she doesn't mean as much to you as you do to her. It is understandable.

Wornoutalready · 10/10/2019 19:56

I can understand why she is gutted if she was a close enough friend to make you MOH.
Honestly can you train it?
I would not go to her when do but I would attempt her wedding unless you end up having a C Section or are unwell.

Canyousewcushions · 10/10/2019 19:56

I think YABU for a really close friend. Flying with a really tiny baby is fine- much easier than when they are bigger and need entertainment. I'm wary that these threads end up sounding like competitions... but with my first I flew when she was under 2 weeks old to take her to meet my ailing grandparents. It was really easy.

And as someone who was a bridesmaid with a 4 week old second baby, a 5 hour drive from home, the most stressful part of it was the issue over dress size as I obviously didn't really know how fast I would shrink into the dress. I bought a coordinating ring sling and pashmina for feeding and it was fine.

And you can have fun clubbing with no drinking. Or you could arrange something else that you could do together if you really don't want to go clubbing.

Personally I'd apologise profusely, blame pregnancy hormones and try to make her feel like you're not brushing off her once-in-a-lifetime event because you feel yours trumps it.

Ocado100 · 10/10/2019 19:56

@billybagpuss
It’s not all that mixed. Overwhelming majority is that posters would go

Bitofeverything · 10/10/2019 19:56

And def def def go by train. By car, you have to stop to feed etc. Plus I don’t think newborns are meant to be in carseats for long periods of time.

Bourbonbiccy · 10/10/2019 19:57

When its your first baby, you really don't how anything will pan out after so it's so difficult to say you will uphold such an important commitment. So yes, maybe best your best friend at least has a back up in case you simply can't be there, and better to discuss it now, then 2 months or 2 weeks before the wedding.

I would say yes, I wouldn't miss my best friends wedding for anything. But with only 2 months in it anything could happen.

I would attend the hen do, leave early if necessary and would have advised I will obviously try my best to attend the wedding, but she should organise a stand in, should it be needed. You may bounce back and be raring to get on the plane after a couple of weeks.

She is bound to be angry and sad, but surely it's only because she loves you and wants you there. She did however handle it really badly, I would giver her a week or 2, and if you have heard nothing, drop her a little call.

HauntedPinecone · 10/10/2019 19:57

YABU, ridiculously precious and making excuses! Your best friend must be really upset, and I don't blame her.

Babymamaroon · 10/10/2019 19:58

Why can't you fly with a wee one? They're very transportable.

I would be there without a doubt but everyone is different.

Have a think about what you might need to bring and write a list now so you're good to go.

Both you and baby will have recovered from birth and the very early weeks of feeding and bewilderment. You might like having something to look forward to.

babyrefusesfood · 10/10/2019 20:01

Barring any problems, you’d definitely be fine to fly.

OlderthenYoungerNow · 10/10/2019 20:01

That is the best time to travel with a baby basically. You can go.

Whatevskev · 10/10/2019 20:01

Oh dear she isn’t right to just ignore you

But I do think you were unfair to accept the MOH position if you were trying for a baby and knew you wouldn’t travel if you had one

Tbh if you plan it and say get the train it will be fine so long as you have a DP or close mate there to help out

The baby will mainly still sleep at that age and you can still do the majority of the MOH stuff.
Would definitely need to ask if she would consider an extra bridesmaid or whatever so there is someone else to run about for her in case you are feeding but I think she’s upset as you have said an absolute no to even attending let alone being her MOH.

It means she has to ask someone else who will know they were second choice which will make her feel really awkward.

Perhaps you would have been better to phone her and explain and say you still want to be there but we’re worried you might not fulfil your duties as well and what could you do to plan for that. An email was very cold a the best of times let alone with news like that.

As it is you have not even attempted to make it work- it’s one day in your babies life they will cope with a busy one or a bit of travel.

Sorry OP, I know first babies feel like the whole world should change but I can see why your mate is upset

Whoops75 · 10/10/2019 20:01

I agree, ignore the e-mail for now and think about what’s stopping you.

If it’s fear of the unknown why not let her know and tell her you’ll get there if you can.

You’re meeting your problems half way.

QueenEnid · 10/10/2019 20:02

I think YABU too. Not about the hen do so much. No heavily pregnant woman wants to be out clubbing, sober, and knackered. That's just shit. And I think your friend should understand that.

But re the wedding... I do think you should go and that you'll regret it if you don't. We went on holiday when my DD was 3 weeks old. All of the anxiety I had before hand melted away. Honestly, it really is just a car journey. You get in, drive a couple of hours. Stop at the services for half an hour. Carry on. Etc. With a long journey id probably be inclined to go on the train instead. It really is easy with a tiny one.

BlueMoon1103 · 10/10/2019 20:03

I don’t think YABU, I missed my best friend’s wedding because it was the day before my DS was due. I was in hospital all weekend on and off with problems and my DS was born the day after his due date. My best friend wasn’t annoyed at all and understood completely. I wouldn’t have wanted to travel all that way with a young baby either, you don’t know how you’ll be feeling, if baby sleeps well, feeds well and everything else at the same time as being a FTM.

DarlingNikita · 10/10/2019 20:03

I think she could have been nicer, but YABU to carry on like you can’t possibly travel with a baby.

I’d be pissed off about her attitude to the hen do though; why on earth would you want to go clubbing?!

catandadogandababy · 10/10/2019 20:04

I totally get you. If I was in your position with a first baby I wouldn't want to go to the wedding either.

But now I've had a baby, I could see how easy it would be to travel with a baby. Particularly as, I'm assuming, your DH/DP would be going with you.

Right now it's probably feeling alien to you, but as many people have said on this thread it's totally doable - and this is coming from many who have had babies and travelled with them.

I think for a distant cousin you never see then give it a miss. But for a friend close enough to ask you to be a maid of honour I really think you should go.

As for the hen do, can you not dip in and out as you please? For my hen do we had day activities then went onto a club, two of my friends were pregnant and one dipped out before the club and the other came for a bit until it got too rowdy.

GinasGirl · 10/10/2019 20:05

We travelled to Scotland for my Bil's wedding with a 2 month old and it was easy honestly. Baby slept lots and at the wedding had a lot of lovely cuddles from all family aunties.

brummiesue · 10/10/2019 20:06

Why cant you participate in the hen do but just head off home when they go clubbing? You can still do the day stuff/meals etc without suffering crowded bars and clubs.
As for the wedding, you are being ridiculous, as said by nearly everyone!

Evilspiritgin · 10/10/2019 20:06

I think you can probably say goodbye to your friend, most people would try anything to be at their best friends wedding

Stairsinthenight · 10/10/2019 20:06

I was four weeks over with my first. Complications meant I had only just started to recover 4 weeks later. I don't think op is being unreasonable. 8 weeks after your due date is a difficult time to be making plans. I wouldn't, and I bet op is sorry not to see her friend marry. It's a shame but shit happens. It's a shame but I would be just the same. Has she had children yet, op? I didn't realise quite what a massive deal it was till I had my son, before that I though I'd breeze though it all... If it was your second I do think you'd be in a better position to say ok!

SoyDora · 10/10/2019 20:06

I can see her point to be honest. It’s Scotland, not Australia.

Jimdandy · 10/10/2019 20:06

I do think it’s selfish when people make a commitment then then change it

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