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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shitty message from 'best friend'

695 replies

HappyMondayKidz · 10/10/2019 19:32

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

OP posts:
Rachelover60 · 10/10/2019 20:33

I can understand your friend's disappointment and also see it from your pov. All I can say is she may understand when she is pregnant/has a baby.

I do wish you could go though, op. The flight wouldn't take long.

MyNewBearTotoro · 10/10/2019 20:33

Telling her you’d love to travel and be there if possible is completely meaningless considering travelling with an
8-week old baby is perfectly possible. If you really wanted to be there you would put in the effort, it’s fine that you don’t value her wedding as very important but also totally reasonable of her to be upset and not want to engage in your empty excuses.

giantwatermelon · 10/10/2019 20:34

YABU It's the best time to travel with a baby believe me. If she means a lot to you then I would consider apologizing, and saying you over reacted and explain why you can't go to the hen but will go to the wedding. You might actually want a night off from bubs at 8 weeks and decide to leave it with grandparents who knows!!

AcrobaticCardigan · 10/10/2019 20:35

I completely understand your anxiety about travelling, I felt same as you before our baby was born, but travelling isn't as big a deal as you might expect. At that age so long as they are fed, they are happy! I would go to the wedding by plane / train. You couldn’t have paid me to go clubbing while pregnant though! Is there another aspect, such as a meal or afternoon tea you could attend?

LagunaBubbles · 10/10/2019 20:36

It's only Scotland, not the other side of the world. If you don't want to go with a baby fine but I can understand why your best friend is disappointed.

MutedUser · 10/10/2019 20:36

Have you messaged her OP?

Gruzinkerbell1 · 10/10/2019 20:38

YABVU to miss the wedding. Yes to stepping back from being MOH if you’d rather, but don’t miss the wedding altogether.

ethelfleda · 10/10/2019 20:39

Babies are so easily portable at that age, I’d still go to the wedding and fly up tbh.

ethelfleda · 10/10/2019 20:40

I wish I had travelled more when DS was younger! Now he is nearly two, he is much more difficult to keep happy!

saywhatwhatnow · 10/10/2019 20:40

I kind of agree with passing on the hen do, although if it was with a 2 h drive I would still go. I would DEFINITELY be attending the wedding of my best friend though (unless there were any huge last minute issues)!! We drove from England to south central France when DS was 8 weeks and he flew to Spain before he was 13 weeks, he was a hideous reflux baby and it was honestly absolutely fine. Babies are fairly easy travel companions.

RoseViolet101 · 10/10/2019 20:41

My best friend was terminally ill but came to my wedding. She was one in a million.

zebrasdontwearbras · 10/10/2019 20:41

I would have asked her to find another MOH - because I really think that's too much when heavily preg, or with a newborn, but I would plan to attend the wedding as a guest, pick a forgiving outfit that I could bf in, and go to the wedding.

Going by train, or plane will be fine - even driving would be fine if you planned it well with loads of breaks. Babies that young are very portable.

It will be hard work though - I won't deny that. You'd be going to be there for your friend, rather than to enjoy yourself.

I went to a wedding with my few-months-old and I found it pretty nightmarish, I'll be honest. It was a bloody long, stressful day. By evening, I'd had enough. Everyone (including DH Hmm ) was getting drunk and having a good old knees up, and I was in a side room, staying sober, bf'ing baby, and trying to rock him off to sleep- when I just wanted to put PJs on and get to bed.

Having typed that - I've changed my mind. I'm going to say YANBU to miss this wedding.

zzzzzzzz12345 · 10/10/2019 20:42

I went to a wedding when my first was 4 weeks old. It was my plain sailing but was totally fine. Lots of helpful hands around for sure!

You have to go, it’s your best friend. Having a baby can impact your life but these major occasions can’t just be bypassed without any impact on friendships. You are being precious. Take your very portable baby and go.

adviceplease321 · 10/10/2019 20:43

I don't think you are BU at all.

Who would want to go clubbing while pregnant - knakered, sober and people urgh!

Also the wedding - while it isn't impossible to get there it's what you'd feel comfortable with. Your about to go through a massive life changing experience and if you'd prefer to be in the comfort of your own home rather than travelling the length of the country then that's fine. I also wouldn't want my baby to be stuck in a car seat for that long - and there are limits of how long they should be in car seats for at that age

whatdayisit7 · 10/10/2019 20:43

Unfortunately, many people seem to have a fog come over themselves when they are planning a wedding and forget that it's not the most important thing in everyone's life. I lost a friend of 10+ years because I was unable to go to their wedding on a week day (I work in a school, we are not allowed weddings off) and I wouldn't ring in sick instead. You have to prioritise your baby and if you feel that you don't want to travel, you are its mother and you know best.

Newbie1981 · 10/10/2019 20:44

Honestly, I don't think it's that hard to go with the baby. Fly! We went away when he was 3 months old and that's the same. It's your best friend. You will regret it!

Quirrelsotherface · 10/10/2019 20:46

YABU and very PFB..baby will be nearly 3 months old?! Mine went to a wedding in Italy at 3 months. BF and exhausted so l left the party early but travelling was easy at that age. Pretty soon you'll learn that you're not the first woman on the planet to give birth Hmm

Walkaround · 10/10/2019 20:49

HappyMondayKidz - you are being very unreasonable and totally over reacting to your pregnancy. I thought you said this was your best friend? You are treating her like an acquaintance. Saying months in advance at the start of an apparently perfectly normal pregnancy that you won't bother going to the wedding at all, let alone being a moh, is really shit!

RedWine123 · 10/10/2019 20:49

First of all congratulations on your pregnancy! I’ve not long has my first baby and the first time we went on a train I was very nervous. Turns out he slept most of the way when he wasn’t mesmerised by the windows. I would say make the journey either by train or car.

We only last week made the journey from Birmingham to Edinburgh by car, we made lots of stops every 2 hours. It took us most of the day but everything went really well. Make sure someone is in the back with baby to make sure everything’s ok. Go at your own pace.

I think lots of people forget the anxiety of having your first baby is one of the most intense times of your life. Make sure you’ve got a really good plan. I think you’re not being unreasonable but it’s possible your anxieties are talking you out of what could be an amazing time for you and your best friend.

Lazysundays18 · 10/10/2019 20:49

I honestly think YABU. You can surely still attend the hen but maybe bail out early. And as for the wedding, no way would I miss my best friend wedding. The baby will be fine.

GeePipe · 10/10/2019 20:50

She needs to bloody get over it. I never attended my best friends wedding 9 years ago and guess what? We are still best friends now. Circumstances at the time meant i couldnt go and she understood so i phoned her the morning of the wedding and she chatted to me on speakerphone the whole time she was getting ready so was like i was part of it anyway. I wouldnt want to travel that distance especially with a small baby when its your first.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 10/10/2019 20:50

Is she your best friend or your 'best friend'?

She asked you to be her MOH so she obviously values your friendship far above that of any of the other women in her life. You are already planning to not be able to go to the wedding which is 8 months away without waiting and seeing if it is actually feasible at the time. I completely understand her upset.

Stepping down from MOH is understandable. Backing out of the wedding altogether is a bit much. But maybe not if she's only a 'best friend' rather than an actual best friend.

Scarlett555 · 10/10/2019 20:50

I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can

YABU particularly for sending this email with 'your side'.

I'm not surprised she hasn't replied. You seem to want her to ease your conscience by saying it's all fine when it clearly isn't - you've really let her down so the decent thing to do would be apologise profusely and leave it at that rather than sending her an email all about what you want and expecting her to accept it.

This is her big day which she thought you would be part of and you're messing up all her plans.

As others have pointed out babies are very portable. Assuming all is well you could easily pop baby in a sling and get on that train / plane but it sounds like you just don't want to. If I was your friend I would be v hurt.

user1573334 · 10/10/2019 20:50

YABU. I'm really not big on weddings or being a bridesmaid but I've gone out my way to fake it all when I've been asked for the sake of my friend. To be asked to be maid of honour and then cancel attending because you don't want to travel with a baby. Bit OTT of you. Baby won't be a week old. Big difference between a week old and an 8 week old. If she was saying no babies allowed you would be completely reasonable. Why can't you do a road trip and have lots of smaller journeys? Or train? Baby will be absolutely fine to fly. It will just sleep.

CatteStreet · 10/10/2019 20:52

Going to go massovely against the grain... I think you're (largely) NBU. I don't see a wedding as a summons nor attendance at a wedding as an absolute test of friendship and I certainly wouldn't see it that way if I were the bride, but I also think weddings (in general, not necessarily this one) have got extremely self absorbed and narcissistic in recent years and have seen all sorts of ridiculous and dreadful behaviour on here excused in the name of 'her/their day'. I think the responses on this thread are partly a reflection of that. In almost any other context (e.g. behaviour towards MILs), a woman a handful of weeks post partum gets an MN free pass.

I do, though, OP, wonder about your language; saying it wouldn't be 'appropriate' to travel, and you'll go to the hen do if it's at a 'reasonable' venue does come across as a bit more precious than is typical. I'm wondering a bit if it's more the tone of your messages that has riled your friend than the actual pulling out.

Anyway, OP, were I the bride, I'd understand (the situation, perhaps not the way you handled it).

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