Shitty message from 'best friend'

[HappyMondayKidz]

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

BlueMoon there is a difference though between the day before your due date and this scenario which is a good 8 week gap (possibly more). In most circumstances mother and child are doing okay, baby is portable, transport can be via train so much more relaxed (can be booked way in advance to get decent deal) - to attend the wedding of her 'best friend'. If I were the bride to be I'd be pretty gutted that you were pulling out.

Starting to think and eventually having a conversation about any practical changes you may need to ask bride to make your life a bit easier on the day (especially if b/f) - absolutely sensible but in October to be saying 'flat no can do' is pretty U.

Before my DS was born, I simply could not see how on earth I could manage to do things - not with a baby and all! But once he arrived, it was a doddle. If you don't go to the wedding, you will regret it on the day because by then you will have realized that babies really are as portable as others have posted.

My advice is to tell your best friend that you here having a panic and of course you will be there. She will then let you off the hook for hen night stuff.

Why on earth aren't you going to the wedding? The baby will be a few months old. You're being precious.

Standing down as her MOH is totally understandable but not going to the wedding isn’t on . Unless of course things don’t go exactly to plan but that would be no different to any other wedding guest who might fall ill etc. It happens but not even trying you hardest to get there is shitty.

Yeah sorry OP I think yabu too

I understand where you are coming from. And I think you've done the right think. However, you could say to her that you know she can't 'hold a place' for you. But if you are able to could you please come to the ceremony and pop into the evening do instead. As others have suggested maybe you can book 2 really cheap train tickets and a premier Inn which wouldn't be too bad to lose if you can't go. There's no way I could have managed it after baby 1 due to birth, lateness of baby etc, but baby 2 was early, birth was easy etc etc You won't know till afterwards. Could you also arrange a hen afternoon tea? You might not be the only one who wants something other than clubbing.

I can completely understand not wanting to attend the hen do but I think you could travel to the wedding with a 2/3 month old baby. Some babies are being flown around the world at that age with no problems.

YABU and ridiculous.

On the day of her wedding you’re going to be sat at home with your 3 month old baby kicking yourself that you didn’t go and you threw away a friendship.

Scotland is huge. Is it an easy journey to Edinburgh, or a not so easy trip to Thurso?

"I'm really sorry, best friend. I think I panicked at the thought of taking a tiny baby so far. But my more experienced mother friends have reassured me that I'm worrying about nothing. I am so sorry to have hurt you, and of course I was devastated at the thought of missing your wedding.
If you can forgive me for my over-reaction (which was really just out of fear of the unknown) and are prepared to accept my apology, I would love to be at your wedding in whatever role you'd be happy with"

I read it as baby due end May not March, you are definitely being unreasonable OP sorry.

YABVU make the effort, go to the wedding, I don’t blame your friend for being unhappy with you. As pp said it’s Scotland, not Australia!

A close friend of mine travelled an hour to come to my wedding when her baby was only eight days old. She spent half the time in a side room breastfeeding and it was mental but she said she couldn’t miss it. To this day I love her for doing that.

Sounds like you don’t want to go because of the expense but if it was my best friend I’d make every effort to go.
You don’t know what your recovery will be like or how baby will be so it just seems like you’ve just assumed the worst and given up so early on.

I can't understand why you wouldn't attend the wedding. I flew with my first baby at that age to Southern Africa. It was a 24 hour journey. We were all fine. Much better than when we did the return flight a year later. I think you are being too quick to withdraw.

I dont think you are being precious, you dont know how the birth will go (hopefully all fine) or how baby will be ie feeding /sleeping you may be completely knackered or not but at least your letting her know now not with like 2 days notice

YABU! it seems totally OTT to say you’re going to miss your best friends wedding coz you had a baby 2 months before I can see why she’s upset. You’re not the first to go a bit bonkers about having a baby but you are being a bit precious

It's Scotland not Outer Mongolia. I'd be really pissed off with such a feeble excuse.

I would go to the wedding, OP.

Hen do: up to you. I went on the hen of a very dear friend when 7 months pregnant. Got a train home after the dinner and drinks- felt guilty but was told not to be daft, I was massively pregnant and tired. I’m glad I went.

YABU. Unless something out of the ordinary happened (in which case of course she would and should understand) I see no reason why you can't go. We travelled to Portugal for a week long wedding for our friends (not best friends) in the middle of nowhere with a 2 year old and a 6 week old. We often talk about it as one of the best weeks of ours lives. Baby was essentially in the wrap all the time. I bought one to colour coordinate with my dress. She stayed asleep in there through the meal and dancing to the disappointment of the grannies wanting to take her off me haha

I was a wreck during the newborn days, but managed to attend a wedding 6 hours drive away. It felt overwhelming during the planning and packing, but we had a lovely time and I'm so glad I didn't miss it. If the dresses are expensive, I would maybe pull out of any MOH duties to take the pressure off but I absolutely wouldn't miss it. Having a newborn is relentless; if nothing else, you might well be grateful of a change of scenery and break from it.

I cant see why you cant travel with a 8 week old. I live in southwest England and I'm planning on attending a wedding in Ireland with an 8 week old. I'm also going to a different hen 30 weeks pregnant but will just stick to lemonade on the night out. It sounds like you just dont want to go. I would be disappointed if you were my best friend.

Of course you are being unreasonable. Getting to Scotland is perfectly manageable with a baby. If I was the bride I would be pissed off with you, not just disappointed. Some 'best' friend.

YABVU about the wedding and I agree with pp that you’ll regret it. The baby will be at least 8 weeks and flying would probably be the best option. It would be harder in some ways if baby was older and mobile or a toddler!

You can totally make that wedding if there are no complications, YABU